


You and me from the night before

by Honeyvalentine



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ash Lynx Lives, Cuddling & Snuggling, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Parental Max Lobo, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Pining, Rape Recovery, Sharing a Bed, Suicide, Ugh, of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:01:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 45,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28445079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honeyvalentine/pseuds/Honeyvalentine
Summary: “I will never understand.” Eiji breathes, head on Ash’s shoulder. “How people could do wrong by you.”“I understand.” Ash swallows, keeping his eyes trained on the dark skyline in front of them. An image of the note tucked away in his drawer flashes in his mind.University AU in which Ash realizes his friends are fluent in love language, and experts at scraping by.(Pre-written)
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx & Shorter Wong, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Max Lobo & Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji & Shorter Wong
Comments: 310
Kudos: 274





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiii babyyyyy🥺 I hope you enjoy..... this is my super duper long college au that has been living in my stupid little brain for centuries. I wanted to wait a while to post this so I can put the first few chapters out. It is my New Years gift to you.(yes, you specifically) and I made it with extra kisses.  
> I may or may not have written this while listening to New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift and that may or may not be my banana fish anthem of the week.

——————

Three New Voice Messages

Message One

Eiji💞:

_Ah—hey Ash! Oh—shoot. Sorry. Your voicemail thing—it sounds like you are answering the phone! Oh—I wanted to say that oh—I am running out of time—one second! I am going to call back so I can send another one—_

_——————_

“I feel like I should be comforting you—“ Ash murmurs, stretching his arms over his head. 

“Because you _should_ —“

“But how do you manage to fail culinary, when you _own a fucking restaurant?!”_

“I don’t _own_ Chang Dai first of all—“

“You told Nadia you were the backbone, the glue that held that shithole together—“ Ash deadpans, making air quotes with his fingers. 

“I was mad! I didn’t mean it!” Shorter whines, flopping down on his back. Ash opens his mouth to reply, but is cut off by a soft knock on the door. 

“It’s probably Eiji.” Shorter hums, arm splayed over his eyes. Ash stands, brushing the back of Shorter’s hand comfortingly.

“You still have time to get it up. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Turning the handle, Ash opens the door, letting Eiji in. 

“Just use your key next time, _Onii-Chan_.” 

Eiji huffs, “I feel like I am intruding!” He mumbles, kicking his shoes off at the entrance. There’s a soft gust of winter breeze, and small flecks of snow shining in contrast to Eiji’s fluffy black mop of hair. He leans forward, covering Ash in an embrace. It’s warm despite the weather outside, and makes the blonde’s heart ache. 

“Oh Shorter, what is the matter?” Eiji whines, pulling away. Ash shivers at the missing contact. 

“I’d tell you, but _someone_ isn’t taking my problem seriously. So now I’m embarrassed.” Shorter whines, sitting up. Ash just rolls his eyes, swats the back of his head. 

“Yeah—his _problem_ is that he’s failing his _culinary_ class.” 

Eiji slaps a palm over his mouth, silent for a moment. 

“Ah-how—how unfortunate…” he mutters, forcing a sympathetic tone. It’s clear that he’s stifling laughter.

“Not you too!” Shorter cries. He gets up, goes straight to his room, shuts the door. 

“No—ah—it is not funny! I am sorry!” Eiji whines, racing after him. Ash let’s the two of them argue through the doorway for a while, before looking down at his phone. They’d better go. 

“Hey. Tell Shorter that all three of us are going to be late if he doesn’t get his ass up.”

Eiji yelps from the hall. “Shorter! We have to leave!” 

“Yeah Shorter. You don’t want to fail _two_ classes now, do you?” Ash grins, hand on the wall.

Shorter opens the door, mutters something about Ash being an English major, and leads the other two boys out of the apartment complex. 

———  
  
Shorter

hey blondie😍

dnt forget to send me  
your work schedule 

  
Off all week

?huh??

  
Ash shuts his phone off, sliding it into his pocket. Shorter says he asks for his schedule for the sake of making plans, but Ash knows it’s so he can force Ash’s uniform over his head, Ash’s body out the door and down the block on days he can’t seem to pull himself out of bed. 

Speaking of the bare minimum, Ash only goes to class to turn things in—his attendance is optional and his depression is bad. Usually he favors just sitting on the stairs or walking around the campus, waiting for Eiji to get out.

  
Coming out of the building, he feels his cell buzzing in his pocket. It’s Max. 

He scrunches his face, pained, heart clenching, and declines the call. Keeps walking. 

“Ash—Over here!” 

He whips his head around, watches Eiji bounce to his side, catching up. 

“What is it?” Ash smiles, tilting his head. 

“Are you busy now?”

“No.” 

“Let’s—let’s go get hot chocolate!” 

Ash raises an eyebrow. “Sure. Why?”

“Because—“ Eiji mutters, digging through his pocket. He whips out a crumpled piece of paper, and waves it in front of Ash’s face.

“My friend—she works at coffee shop, gave this to me just now! She said they have cold drinks and hot too.”

Ash tries to study the coupon, but Eiji is flailing it around excitedly. He catches his wrist, stopping to read the text.

“Eiji—it's buy one get one free. We still have to pay for one.” 

“Ah—we do not.” Eiji grins, mischievously.

“Yes. We literally do.” Ash deadpans. 

Eiji giggles, grabbing Ash’s arm. 

“You see—there is a trick I am not telling you!”

“Okay—but we don’t have _any_ money. So you better be serious.”

———

“Excuse me.” Eiji whispers, grabbing at the sleeve of the _stranger_ in front of them. She turns around, head tilted. “Yeah?”

“Can you use this? Order me a hot chocolate? Pretty please?”

She smiles awkwardly, grabs the paper slip. “Ah-sure. Haha”

Eiji turns, gives Ash a little peace sign. Moments like these serve as a reminder that you cannot choose your loved ones. Ash would never purposefully associate himself with the human embodiment of embarrassment.

He watches Eiji blow on his drink through the plastic lid like an idiot, and takes back his previous statement. There is nobody else he would rather spend ninety percent of his time thinking about. That's how you know he has it bad. 

Ash grabs the cup out of his hands, taking off the lid and blowing on it for him. Eiji lights up, clapping in excitement. 

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” Ash asks, running his finger around the paper rim of the cup.

“Ah—nervous but ready, yes! Are you coming?” 

“I thought about it.” Ash smiles to himself, a little teasing. “And I think I might just stop by.”

Eiji’s eyes light up, leaning forward on his palms. Ash immediately goes to steady the table for him. 

“Yes! Please come—I will jump higher when I see you!” 

_Oh_

Now he’s definitely going. 

Eiji puts the lid back on, taking a long drink. 

“Ahh! It’s so good! Your turn!” 

“Sure.” Ash replies, taking the cup. 

It’s warm in his hands, and Eiji brushes his shoulder.

 _It’ll be fine. It will. It has to be._ Is what he almost thinks.

_————_

They make their way back home, hugging goodbye in the hall. Eiji lives directly across the way, and waves at Ash until his door is clicked shut.

God. 

Locking the apartment deadbolt, he walks to his bedroom and curls up on top of his sheets. The calendar above his mattress is marked _December 1st._

Just a little longer. He can manage a few more weeks. 

Ash spends the majority of the evening staring at his ceiling in the dark. Because he likes to torture himself, and loves being miserable, and everything wrong in his life is his fault, just like everything bad that’s ever happened to him is also his fault—like how Max is going to stop calling eventually because he won’t pick up—

The sound of the door unlocking interrupts his train of thought. Ash sits up, rubs his eyes. Shorter stayed late again. 

Ash trudges down the hall to the living room, placing a hand on the doorway.

“Hey.”

Shorter, for the millionth time this week, throws himself dramatically onto the couch, groaning instead of giving a proper reply. 

Ash walks over to where he’s sitting, and tosses himself up and over the armrest, laying his head in Shorter’s lap. He looks up at his friend, pinches his nose. 

“You work too much.”

“Because these _motherfuckers_ call out too much!” He sighs, brushing Ash’s bangs back. 

“I'm sorry. I can send them anonymous death threats if you want. Destroy their property too.”

“I want to say yes but I think that you actually might.”

There’s a pause, and goddamnit. Shorter’s supposed to be the optimistic one! It’s actually super jarring seeing him like this, dull eyed, lethargic. It can’t be easy, Ash thinks, hell—he _knows_ it isn’t easy. And he hasn’t gone to work in three days. 

He sits up, favoring to rest his head on Shorter’s shoulder instead. He’s still wearing his uniform, today being his third double. Most of their employees call off on the holidays, so Shorter gets to spend his time off from school getting yelled at by customers. 

“Someone threw soup at me today.” Shorter muses, but his mouth upturns a little. He glances at Ash from the corner of his eye. “Don’t laugh.” 

“I’m not laughing.” Ash replies, pretty much laughing.

Shorter smiles, and it lifts a weight off of Ash’s chest.

“I cried in the bathroom while changing.”

“ _Dude_.” Ash whispers, palm over his mouth. 

“And this is Nadia’s uniform.”

“You’re making this very hard for me.” Ash groans.

“Give it like—two more hours and then it’ll be funny.” Shorter grins, wiping his eyes. 

Ash smiles and stands, swatting Shorter’s shoulder. 

“I’m going to bed.”

“Okay.”

Ash slips down the hall into his bedroom, changes into one of Max’s old shirts and brushes his hair back. He looks to his closet, considers picking something to wear for Eiji’s meet tomorrow but—

 _No._ He thinks, face heating up. _Remember what happened last time you did that?_

———

“Awww, are you laying out your little outfit on your bed?”

“Knock it off!” 

“No, keep going. Were you going to prop your shoes up there too?”

“Stay _out_ of here Shorter!”

“Eiji— come get a load of this.” 

“What is it?—ah! My little sister does that!”

“Your sister and Ash seem to have a lot in common—don’t you think?”

“Fuck both of you!”

“Haha!—Ash gets angry like little girl too, yes? Throw a fit?”

Yeah, better not. 

——

Ash started sleeping in Shorter’s room about a month ago, when he decided laying alone in the dark was needlessly painful. Shorter doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t make comments when Ash pats the covers in the dark, seeking him out. Doesn’t move when Ash presses his face between his shoulder blades in the middle of the night. He’s always been laid back, no questions asked, kind hearted, empathetic, easy. Ash will never, never in his entire life say it out loud, but meeting Shorter when he did was the universe's way of sending him an apology.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

“I can.” Ash mumbles, face buried in his pillow. 

“You keep tossing. But okay. Lie if it makes you feel better.” 

“Ugh—“ Ash groans, annoyed. He flips over to lay on his back. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“What’s wrong with you as in why you can’t sleep? Or why you’re such a bitch?”

Ash doesn’t laugh, just exhales heavily. “Both.”

“Hey—I’m kidding.” Shorter says, tone serious. “What’s going on?”

 _It’s been a bad 19 years._ He thinks to himself.

“It’s just been a bad month.” He says out loud. 

“Why?” 

Ash pauses, thinks about what to say.

“I just—stopped really talking to my parents. Haven’t had time to go to—you know—like—therapy. Kind of regret doing a double major. I feel bad about whining to _you_ about it, but working and having class makes me really tired.” Ash drawls, gaze fixed on the spin of the ceiling fan. “Sometimes—“ he pauses, words starting to wobble. 

“Keep going.”

“Sometimes— I just. Don’t know anymore. There’s a lot of stuff I haven’t dealt with—and parts of my life are affecting me way more than I thought they would. And I’ve been thinking about how nice it would be—for this to just _be over_ , and thinking about, y’know—“ Ash let’s himself trail for a bit, before freezing up, cutting himself off. 

“About what?” Shorter murmurs. Ash’s hair is splayed across his pillow, and he’s twirling a thin piece around his fingers. 

Ash just blinks up at the ceiling again. 

“About what, Ash?”

The air between them is too heavy, the suspense a little painful. Ash lets out a shaky breath 

“dropping out.” He lies.

Shorter sighs in relief, leans forward, and throws himself down onto Ash’s chest.

“Ow! Fuck! Get off of me.” Ash groans, wind knocking out of his lungs. Shorter just squeezes him, bone crushing, no reply.

“You’re such a fatass. I’m delicate, remember?” He whines, kicking his legs. His friend just lays limp, cheek pressed against Ash’s collarbone. 

“Sometimes I think you’re suicidal.” Shorter states, body pliant. 

Oh

Ash wonders if he can hear his heartbeat pickup. He swings a hand over Shorter’s back, rests it against his spine.

“I’m not.” He lies, guilty, for the third time tonight. 

“It wasn’t a question.”

“What was it then?”

“Just putting my observation out there.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“You’d say that either way, so there’s like, a fifty fifty chance you are.”

“Whatever.”

It’s quiet, Ash relaxing under the weight of his friend. Nothing but air conditioning and cars driving outside on the street below. He focuses on his soft ministrations, as each time he strokes a hand down Shorter’s back, he can feel him sink against his chest further. It makes him soften. 

Sometimes he forgets that Shorter feels safe with him too. 

“Call your dad tomorrow.” Shorter mumbles, voice heavy with sleep, breathing rhythmic. “And finish your paper before we go see Eiji. So you won’t be all stressed out when you guys hook up.”

Ash drops his hand down, and pinches Shorter’s side.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shdbjshssjjssb nothing to say but I love you

———

Message Two

Eiji💞:

_ Okay! Here I go! I wanted to say I am very worried about you. I think we should spend more time together—like—tomorrow for example—there’s this— thing.  I want to ask you to see the sunset with me for the semester ending. A lot of couples go—but friends go too! Haha. You say those things are stupid, but I think it’s very cool. I would also like a picture of you there—it would be very pretty— _

_————_

  
Eiji takes a deep breath, arms high over his head. He’s smiling, and there’s a thin layer of sweat over his upper lip. Ash subconsciously licks his, and Eiji wipes his face with the bottom of his shirt—showing off a sliver of skin between his waistband and chest—

“So invested—and they haven’t even started yet.” Shorter teases, swinging his legs back and forth on the stands. Ash smiles, teeth chattering against the cold. 

“Fuck dude—do you want my jacket?” Shorter fusses, looking Ash up and down. He’s wearing a white short sleeve and jeans, his usual hoodie or flannel nowhere to be seen. 

“No. I’m going to wear Eiji’s tonight.” Ash muses, suddenly full of passion and vigor. “No matter how cold I get—don’t you _dare_ give me yours. Even if I’m begging.” He explains, hand clenched over his heart. It’s Ash’s lifelong—scratch that—semester long dream, prancing around campus with the track team jacket, Okumura written in all caps across the back. Shorter nods at him, eyes gleaming similarly to Ash’s. 

“We will make that happen.”

The pole in Eiji’s hand is steady to match his gaze. Ash wonders how it must feel, tossing yourself into the air like that, wonders if it’s akin to how he feels when Eiji looks at him. 

The jump isn’t his best, he hasn’t been at the top of his game lately, but to Ash, flight is flight, even if half the crowd has to pretend that they aren’t disappointed. He still thinks Eiji is the coolest motherfucker ever—brave for doing something so scary in front of so many people. 

Eiji barely even winces when he lands, flopping onto his back. He gets up like it was nothing, throws a peace sign, and walks off the track. 

“I am starving—let’s go get dinner, yeah?” Eiji smiles, stopping to hug Ash and Shorter. 

“What do you want?” Shorter asks, ruffling his hair.

“Ah-probably ice cream.” Eiji smiles, rubbing his face. 

“That’s dessert, honey.” Shorter chides back. “Plus, it’s freezing.” 

“Natto then, please. Ibe paid me today, my treat.”

“We can split it. I got an ungodly amount of hours.” Shorter sighs, throwing an arm around Eiji’s shoulder. 

“I'll stay back.” Ash hums, mischievously, head tilted towards the sky. 

“What the fuck?” Shorter hums, pulling one of Ash’s cheeks. “Eiji eats hotdogs for you—return the fucking favor.”

Ash rolls his eyes. “S’ different.” 

Eiji pouts, grabs Ash’s arm. “You _need_ to come—“ he says, before practically gasping. 

“Oh gosh— you are freezing!” He yelps, pulling his jacket off. Ash can’t help but meet Shorter’s eyes, a moment of victory. He suddenly feels small though, at how Eiji wraps the coat around his shoulders, so tenderly. Rubs his arms up and down. His eyebrows are pinched together, expression dripping with worry. They’re stopped in the middle of the grass, Ash tiny tiny tiny between his friends. Eiji zips the jacket up for him, stands on his tip-toes to brush Ash’s hair out of the collar. They’re face to face, painfully close, and Eiji tucks a hand behind his neck, as to warm it up. 

“Oh—dress warm next time.” Eiji hums, before reaching down to take Ash’s hands in his. “Now let's go eat together. You are just cold and hungry. Eiji’s poor little cat. Is that what you are?” He smiles, clearly teasing, but Ash’s gut churns, face flaming despite the chill. _Eiji’s—Eiji’s little—shut up. Shut up. Shut up._ He thinks, eyes scrunched shut, letting the smaller boy drag him down the sidewalk. Shorter leans in to his ear, right above his shoulder, and drops his voice below a whisper. 

“ _Did you hear that? You’re—mhph—_ “ Ash cuts him off, reaching back and squeezing his nose. 

It’s not so bad. 

———

Ash leans out on the balcony of his apartment, a moment of privacy from Eiji and Shorter in the living room. His phone rings once, barely giving him time to think, before Max picks up.

“Ash!”

“Hey dad.”

“How have you been? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah—sorry. I’ve been really busy.”

“I figured. How’s school?”

“Ah-its okay.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Ash sighs, picking at the paint on the railing. “Yeah.”

“How are your friends?”

“Good.”

“And how are you?”

“I’m—“ Ash pauses, exhaling. It’s Max. 

“I’m not doing that good.” 

“Why’s that?” 

Ash rubs his cheek, leaning forward. 

“I don’t really know. I uh- feel a little hopeless lately.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like—like I’ll always feel like this. I mean I’m so far away from everything—and I _should_ be happy and I want to be happy but I’m just—still struggling. Like I have no reason to be.”

“I’m actually sure you have plenty of reason to be. This is something you _manage_ Ash. Not something that disappears.” 

“It’s uh-hard to accept that.” _That I have to live with these things forever._

“I know sweetheart.” Max hums. The pet name makes tears spring to Ash’s eyes.

“I miss you.” He replies, voice wavering. He misses Max, so much. Jess too, and Michael. Fuck. He almost constantly pushes away thoughts about his family because he _knows_ he’s homesick. 

“You’ll see us all soon. Even if it’s just for a bit—it’ll make you feel better to get a break too. Come back home for a couple of days.”

“Yeah.” Ash hums. It’s cold. Even with Eiji’s jacket on. “I’m gonna go now.”

“Okay. Thank you for calling.” Max says.

“Thank you for answering. Even though I’ve been ignoring you.” 

“Always Ash. Goodnight okay? I love you.”

“You too.” 

Ash sniffs, drops his cell down to his side, and goes back into the house. 

Eiji and Shorter are crashed out on the living room floor, clinging to each other so tight it looks uncomfortable. Eiji is wearing Ash’s clothes, face against Shorter’s stomach, and hogging the majority of their blanket. Of course he is. 

————

“Here—we can go through the back.” Ash hums, circling the side alley of Chang Dai. 

“They’re closing soon, yes?”

“Yeah.” Ash hums, swinging the back door open. “but he still won’t get out till later.” 

The kitchen is big, and Shorter is standing close to the back door with Sing under his arm. 

“Thank you so so much—“ he hums, grabbing his lanyard from Ash’s shoulder. It’s probably the fourth time he’s taken the keys home, and Ash thinks that dropping them off after hours is about to become a ritual of sorts. 

“Are you okay?!” Eiji yelps, clutching his chest. Sing’s face is red and puffy, and he flushes, burying himself further into Shorter’s side.

“He’s a soldier is what he is! Someone threatened his life today.” Shorter grins, rubbing his cousin's shoulder. “Baby boy didn’t even cry about it till afterwards.” 

Sing is in highschool, but Shorter is guilty of treating him like an infant. 

“I didn’t cry about it at _all,_ Shorter! I’m just—I’m just mad!” He yelps, stepping back to cross his arms. He shoots Shorter a look. 

“Right—I meant that he didn’t cry about it at _all_.” Shorter corrects, face apologetic. 

“I’m impressed.” Ash grins, head tilted back. He nods, walking back towards the door. “We’d stay and help—“ he starts, “but Eiji has a little errand to run.” 

“I’ll see you both later.” Shorter smiles, waving with his free hand. 

“Bye Sing!” Eiji chirps, waving goodbye. 

“Yeah, bye Sing.” Ash smiles. 

“Ah-“ Sing hums, staring down at his shoes. “B-bye Eiji.”

———

“Did you see that?!” Ash whines. “He didn’t even say bye to me! He made a _point_ out of it!”

”Yeah.” Eiji sighs. “I cannot explain that one. Maybe he really does not like you.”

”And to think I had Shorter’s entire family wrapped around my finger-“

”There is just him and Nadia, Ash.” Eiji giggles, laugh echoing through the parking lot.   
  


“Details details.” Ash hums, linking their arms. 

“Anyways—you ready to do this?”   
  


Eiji smiles, mischievous little glint in his eye.

“You know it!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eiji and ash on a liddle adventure tee hee...... what on earth will they do! Also every negative customer service moment I have is going to be planted into thsi fucking fic


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m posting this so fast because it’s prewritten I promise I am not going crazy...

————

Eiji💞:

_ Anyways—sorry again. We can bring blankets and everything—I have an extra thermos, so I can make us soup. I know you do not want to be cold, but I promise we can have fun. You have been so quiet lately, and it is so much harder to make you laugh. Like—the other day when—shit. I mean shoot. I am going to fill your inbox. Please do not keep these. Okay. Last one. Bye. Love Eiji.  _

—————  
  


“So Eiji,” Ash hums, crouching down against the brick wall. “Remind me—why are we breaking and entering again?”

Eiji does a little hop on his tip-toes, peeping over to the other side. “Because Arthur is a demon. And also I hate him.” 

Ash nods. “See, I agree with you, I just don’t know how you came to the conclusion that we should steal his—“

Eiji immediately shoots Ash a glare, hands on his hips. “You stay home then! I will do it myself!” 

“Eiji, I am more than willing to commit a felony. I’m more concerned about  _ you.  _ I mean don’t kids lose scholarships over shit like this?”

“Oh? Over doing the world favors? Doing the right thing?” 

Eiji’s moral compass is run by  _ nothing  _ but his heart, and his disregard for authority is a little jarring sometimes.

“I forget that you’re a bad boy.” Ash muses, teasingly. 

“At least I don’t steal from the gas station.” 

Ash flushes, looks down at his shoes. 

“Ah-I actually didn’t want you to know about that.” He mumbles, before glancing back up at Eiji.

“How did you find his address anyways?”

“Cain gave it to me.” Eiji grins. “He said to do my worst!”

Ash nods. “Glad we have supporters out there.”

Eiji peeks over the wall, one last time, before lifting himself—upper arms flexing his body weight. He takes himself up there easily, sits on the top, legs hanging over the other side.

“Do you need help up, Ash?”

No, of course not. Ash is just as—if not even more athletic than Eiji. Plus, he’s scaled more than his fair share of walls.

“Yeah, I do. Can you take my hand?”

“Here—“ Eiji huffs, pulls Ash up. Ash watches as he hops down, feet planted on the frigid ground. This is actually Ash’s ideal night, committing crimes with Eiji Okumura. 

Eiji gives him a soft smile from down below, looking up at him from the moonlight. Ash is going to die a happy man, because Eiji opens his arms to help him down. 

“Ah—you are very light.” Eiji whispers, arms around the small of Ash’s back. Their faces are inches apart, Ash’s own palms on Eiji’s shoulders. Romantic scenario alert! Ash thinks as Eiji puts him down. This is what life is all about!

Eiji creeps his way through the backyard in the dark, nothing but the city lights basking over him. 

“I think he keeps her outside.” Eiji whispers, shaking his head. “In the snow too…” 

They make their way to the side of the house, before stopping at the back gate. There’s a chain link wrapped around one of the wooden planks, and Ash’s gaze follows it down down down—

“Eiji…. here, don’t look.” He hums, turning his friend around gently by the shoulders. 

“Is she dead?!” He mumbles, sounding a bit frightened, arms wrapping around himself. He listens to Ash, facing the other side of the yard.

Ash cringes, because she might actually be. He kneels down on his knees, shakes the dog by the shoulder. 

It lets out a soft whine before yawning, looking up at him. She’s pressed fully against the wall, seeking out warmth from the light layer of snow on the ground. 

Eiji flips around at the noise, grin breaking over his face. 

“Ash! Break the chain!” Eiji directs, kneeling down directly behind him. His hands are on Ash’s shoulders, chin on top of his head.

“I’m flattered you think I’m capable of doing that.” Ash deadpans, before hooking his fingers down the dog’s neck. “I’m gonna rip her collar off instead.” 

“Yay! You got this!”

“Are you going to cheer for me?” Ash jokes, shooting a playful glance behind him. 

Eiji leans closer, breath ghosting his ear.

“That’s my Ash! So strong!” 

Ash’s eyes widen, and he rips through the collar like it’s nothing. 

Ash lifts the dog in his arms, and she immediately nuzzles in closer to his warmth. She’s tiny and pliant, and scarily quiet. Eiji pets her a few times, whispering a string of hushed Japanese into her fur. 

“We better get going.” Ash mumbles, bouncing her around a few times, a bit like a baby. Eiji nods, leads Ash back down where they came. 

They’re about to hop the wall again, puppy tucked into the collar of Ash’s shirt, when Eiji stops Ash in his tracks. 

“Wait—“

“What is it?” Ash quips.

He watches as Eiji takes the dog’s face in his hands, forcing eye contact, before leaning down, picking up a heavy rock. 

“Eiji—what the fuck are you doing?” 

“Teaching a life lesson Ash! So she knows she is cherished.” He hums, before turning on his heel, and flinging the rock speedball fast at Arthur’s window. 

————

“I texted Nadia what happened, and she said, ‘what if it’s microchipped?’” Shorter hums, squinting at his phone. “Anyone here have any idea what that means?”

Ash feels his gut drop, they’re sitting in a circle on the floor while the dog rolls around. “It means she could have like—a tracker.” He mumbles, hand over his mouth. 

Eiji pulls out his phone, scrolls for a bit, before reaching out and patting the back of the dog’s neck. 

“Nope. Don’t feel it. She’s good.”

“Eiji, that definitely wasn’t a proper assessment.” 

“I feel like she’d be magnetic or some shit if she was chipped.” Shorter drawls. 

“Wow.” Ash smiles, standing up. “Just wow. The world is so fucking lucky neither of you went to medical school!”

“Says the natural blonde.” Shorter quips, making Eiji break out into laughter. 

Ash just shakes his head, watches the puppy push her bowl (or rather, Ash’s bowl) around. Shorter gets up, grabs another jar of peanut butter. 

“I’ll get her something real to eat tomorrow. Is she staying here or your place Eiji?”

Eiji flushes, scratches his cheek. “Ah—mine.” 

“You sure?” Ash mutters. 

“Yes. My responsibility now!” Eiji smiles. 

“I’m sure Ibe is going to be thrilled.” Ash laughs, tilts his head back to rest on the couch. “Shorter—Eiji broke one of Arthur’s windows with a rock.”

“You’re lying.” Shorter grins, almost dropping the spoon. 

“It was to give her confidence!” Eiji huffs, rolling his eyes. “She will remember how we reacted to that  _ forever.” _

Ash can’t argue with that. Those things do sit with you. 

————

“Does it hurt?” 

Ash stares blankly at the ceiling, arms thrown above his head. 

“Yes.” He hears himself say, but he tunes in to find the scathing burn, the ache in his legs, and can’t feel  _ anything.  _

_ Why can’t I feel it? What did they do to me? _

There’s a string of murmurs that don’t make much sense, his breathing turned hyperventilating, laughter— _ am I dying right now? _

Ash goes limp under the awful weight, a mantra playing over and over in his head—please let this be it, let this be it, let this be it. 

He snaps awake, body flying upwards, soft string of cries pulled from his throat. It’s his first bad one in  _ months _ . God. 

“ _ Ashu _ ?” 

Ash whips his head around, and Eiji is leaned back, curled against the couch. Ash is cold on the ground, by himself. He must’ve knocked out down here—no wonder he— _ he— _

Eiji rubs his eyes, slowly waking up. 

Ash stares at him for a moment, gaze wide, hands a little shaky. He’s aching with a visceral need for warm touch, for soothing ministrations. 

“Uh—Eiji-“

“Oh.” Eiji blinks, waking up a bit. “Do you want to come up here?”

Ash nods, a little dumb. Eiji reaches towards him in the dark, takes him by the shoulders and gently pulls him up. Ash bites his lip when Eiji squeezes him, tucking the blanket around his body. 

“Are you okay?” Eiji whispers, brushing a tuft of Ash’s hair behind his ear. Ash feels his heart flutter, face warm. He nods. They’re facing each other, squeezed close despite having room on either side. Ash shudders, soft tears patting down to Eiji’s night shirt. Eiji has an arm hooked around him, moving to and from his waist and shoulder. His face is tucked safely against Eiji’s soft throat. 

“can you talk to me?” Ash murmurs, and Eiji squeezes him lightly. 

“Ah-“ Eiji starts, stroking Ash’s hair back rhythmically. “Thank you for coming with me today. You are such good company, you know? That is why everyone loves you so much.”

That’s not what Ash was expecting. His breath hitches at the whiplash—degrading words that make his body lurch—and now—now  _ this— _

“Shhh…. You can cry. I will take care of you.” Eiji murmurs. The tenderness in his voice, in his touch, it’s almost sickening. Eiji has to have it wrong, wasting warmth on someone like him. 

_ It’s proof that I’m worth so much less than you.  _ Ash thinks, soaking up compassion like he’s dying.  _ I’m a terrible person, taking, and taking, and taking.  _

He’s going to run Eiji dry, he thinks. Continue the cycle. Much like the long list of men who took more than he could give. 

He looks up, forcing himself to look Eiji in the eyes. 

“Are you mad at me?” 

“What?! No!” Eiji gasps, genuinely shocked. “Why would I be?”

“I woke you up. And I’m making you deal with this crazy shit.” He mumbles, rolling his eyes.

“I  _ want  _ to be close to you.” Eiji breathes, clearly hurt by Ash’s almost accusation. “Having bad dreams—that is not crazy.” Eiji explains, swiping a thumb under Ash’s eye. 

“When I first came here—I had so much anxiety, I would have a nightmare. Do you think I am a bother for that?” Eiji asks, eyebrows drawn up. Ash panics, latches onto Eiji tightly. 

“No—Im sorry. It’s—I’m different.”

“Don't be sorry.” He hums, hugging back. 

“How are you different?”

Ash breathes in. “I’m a really bad person.”

“You need to talk about yourself nicely. Like you would talk about a friend—or mom and dad.” Eiji whispers, scratching Ash’s head. “I talk to my sister about you on the phone. You know what I tell her? I say Ash is sweet—he has yellow hair, and he takes care of me. I told that to my sister. I do not say Ash is a bad person.” 

Ash freezes, guilt washing over him. He forgets that he doesn’t mean absolutely nothing to the people around him. “Sorry.”

“Say sorry to Ash. Not me.” 

“Okay.” Ash nods. 

“I am serious. Say it. Out loud so I know.” Eiji scolds.

“ _ Oh my god—“ _

“Say, Ash I am so sorry I am so mean to you.”

“Yeah, I’m not doing that.” Ash mumbles, turning over. Eiji pinches his side.

“I will not let you sleep until you apologize to my friend.” He huffs. 

“Your friend is an asshole.”

“Now you owe a bigger apology. You better say sorry before I make you type one up and mail it.”

Ash sighs, irritated.

“Sorry Ash.”

“Terrible apology. You do not mean it. Try again.”

“Eiji—“ 

“Say it.” 

“Ash, I’m sorry for being mean to you.” 

“Tell Ash he is not an asshole.”

“You aren’t an asshole.”

“Good. Now accept the apology and make up.”

Ash swats Eiji on the arm.

“Okay—now you’re just fucking with me.”

“Okay. No sleep for Ash then.”

“I accept the apology. There. Can you leave me alone now?”

Eiji taps his chin, looking at Ash thoughtfully. 

“Fine. But next time you will not be so lucky.”

Ash sighs, back against Eiji’s chest, and squeezes the arm curled around his stomach. To be held, and to be  _ safe _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually think this chapter is lowkey a little too weird 😳 sorry if that is true


	4. Chapter 4

Shorter

Ash

Your father is at our door?!??!??

I offered him coffee and then remembered I don’t know how to make it myself

He’s staring at the bowl of peanut butter on the ground

He asked if we had a pet and I said no😳

  
  
Oh my god 

Don’t let him in my room

  
  


Wait 

He’s so niceeeeee

He said I look cool lol 

I’m gonna tell him all ur secrets 

Why didn’t you tell me that you’re adopted?!

He told you that?!?!

  
I asked what you were like as a kid

I’m sorry 

It’s okay 

  
  


_Yeah._ Ash thinks. _It's definitely not okay._

Ash rushes up the stairs, because Shorter and Max spending any sort of alone time together is actually his worst nightmare, and swings the door open. 

“You really manage it yourself?” He hears Max’s voice float through the house. 

“Ah! Not really—my sister mostly…”

“That’s still really impressive.”

“Oh—thank you.” Shorter laughs, almost _bashful_. 

“Are you telling him about your 2.5 gpa? And how Nadia has almost fired you twice despite you being her brother?” Ash sasses, glaring at his friend. 

“Ash! Welcome home!” Shorter grins, disregarding everything Ash says. He’s laying his head down on the kitchen table, Max sitting next to him. 

“Max…” Ash huffs, crossing his arms. 

“Good to see you too, Ash.” 

“Why are you here?” Ash hisses, face dry.   
  
“To take you home.” Max replies, still smiling. “Because I had a feeling you weren’t planning on coming down.” 

The feeling would be right, Ash thinks.

“Well, you’re wrong. And stupid.” Ash huffs, tossing himself down across from Max. He’s about to say something else, but there’s a knock at the door, a small voice peeping through. 

“It’s me!”

“Ah-“ Shorter grins, brightening up. He turns to Max, grabs his hand. “That’s Eiji!” He muses, voice dropped down to a whisper. “ _He’s the one Ash likes.”_

“Seriously?” Max quips, surprise dripping down his expression. “Ash, why don’t you tell me anything?!”

“Shorter….” Ash flushes, he’s _seething._ He walks to the entrance, and yanks it open to meet with a shivering Eiji. Eiji smiles up at him, eyes wide and cute.  
“Go. Home.” Ash deadpans, and slams the door in his face. 

There’s a soft gasp behind the doorway.

“Awww! You’re going to make him cry!” Shorter whines.

“Come on Ash, I _really_ want to meet him.” Max complains, laughter evident in his tone.  
Ash stands, facing the door. It’s not often that he feels genuine murderous intent. He whips around. 

“Max.” He drawls, eyes boring into skin. “If we do not leave right now, I am _never_ going home again.”

————

Eiji💞

I’m sorry about earlier

You can come over whenever you want

It’s okay (*☻-☻*)

Have fun at home! Miss you already

｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

😼💝 

  
  
  


“Here—“ Shorter smiles, a little apologetic, handing Ash his bag. He’s holding the door to the passenger side open. “Have fun, okay?” 

Ash huffs. “Thanks.”

“I know you’re still mad at me.” Shorter complains, but he’s hiding a smile.

Ash just stares ahead. 

“Okay then. Bye. Miss you. Love you. See you in two days.” Shorter rushes out, reaching out a hand to ruffle Ash’s hair. 

Ash swats it away, brow still furrowed.  
“Yep.”

Shorter laughs, before shutting the door. 

It’s only a three hour drive, but it feels longer. Max is prying, prying, prying. 

“Your friend is really nice.” Max teases, “very enthusiastic.”

“Yeah. It’s horrible.” Ash mutters. _It’s all that keeps me going._

“You seem really close.” Max notes.

“Kind of.” _I even let him touch me._

There’s a beat of silence. 

“Tell me about the boy you like.” Max tries, smile obvious. He’s tapping his fingers against the wheel. It’s pissing Ash off.

Here we fucking go.

“No.” Ash replies, sharp.

“If you tell me about him I’ll stop talking.”

Ash rolls his eyes, sliding down his seat. Max taps the top of his head. “Sit right. It’s dangerous.” 

Ash pulls himself back up with a groan, glaring.  
“His name is Eiji. And he’s on the track team.”

“What’s he look like?” Max asks, interest piqued.

“I’m not answering that.”’ Ash vows, daggers in his expression. 

“Fine.” Max sighs, dropping the subject.  
“Is he as mean as you are?”

“He’s the nicest person I know.” Ash answers without thinking.

“Awwwww!”

“That’s it. I’m not talking about this anymore.”

———

“Jess!” Ash whines, flinging his arms around her shoulders. “Why didn’t _you_ come get me?!” 

“My poor baby. Was Max bothering you?”

“He’s so annoying…” Ash groans, head resting on Jessica’s shoulder. 

“I know. That’s why I stayed home. It’s your punishment for leaving me alone with him.” She hums, stroking his hair. Jessica always feels so strong underneath him—even if she’s a bit smaller than he is, he feels safest like this. 

He pulls away after a moment, feeling a bit clingy. 

“Ash!!” 

Oh, fuck yeah!

Ash doesn’t even try to hide his excitement, slips inside the house to take Michael in his arms.

“Michael!”

Michael wraps his legs around Ash’s waist and squeals in excitement. 

“I waited for you all night Ash!” He grins, “I told them to just go and get you, because you took so long!” 

Ouch. He wasn’t even planning on coming. 

“Sorry.” He mumbles. 

“It’s okay. Just don’t be late anymore.” Michael hums, wiggling out of Ash’s grasp.

He takes his hand instead, guides him to his room to play. 

————

“I’m glad to hear you like your roommate.” Jess smiles, she taps Ash’s ankle under the dinner table. 

“Are you making any other friends?”

“Yeah, actually.” Ash smiles sweetly. He glances over at Max. “There's this boy I like—Eiji Okumura. He’s a good friend of mine too.” 

“Oh really?” Jess smiles. “That’s so nice to hear.”

Max swats Ash on the shoulder. “So you’ll tell her about it—but not me?!”

“I’m sorry—was I talking to you?” Ash asks, tilting his head. He feigns innocence like a pro.

Jessica stifles a laugh. “Do you have a picture of him?”

“Tons.” Ash grins, tapping on his phone screen, passing it to Jess. 

“Oh, he looks so sweet!” She beams, swiping her finger. “He’s an athlete, I take it?”

“He does track—he’s here on a scholarship, from Japan.” 

“Wow!” 

“Can I see?” Max asks, pinching Ash on the cheek. Ash taps his chin. 

“Hmm… maybe later.”

“It’s fine. I’ll just ask your roommate to send me some.”

Ash’s heart skips a beat. 

“You’re lying. He did _not_ give you his number.”

“He did.”

——————

Shorter 

I hate you

Stay away from my family

This is why I like your dad more than you.

I’m gonna ask him to be my new best friend.

  
  
  


——————

Ash leans his head back, the television droning on in the background. Max has an arm around him, palm rubbing up and down on his shoulder. It’s nice being home, familiar. He curls his legs underneath his body. 

“I missed you.” Ash hums, voice hushed.

“I missed you too.”

There’s a beat of silence. 

“I’m sorry that I’ve been so…. distant.”

“You’re working through a lot right now. Just try and worry about yourself.” Max replies, pulling Ash closer. 

“We’re always going to be here when you get back.”

Ash swallows. “I was scared you were going to stop calling.”

“I’ll reach out until you answer, okay?”

“Okay.”

—————

Ash is sent back to his apartment with an extra backpack, one of them full of leftovers. Some new clothes. He was able to successfully steal Jessica’s favorite sweater—the one they always fight over. 

He makes his way back up the stairs, shivering. Stopped in front of his door, he starts to put one of his bags down to pull out his keys—

The door swings open first. 

“I missed you so much—it’s not even funny. I’m literally codependent.” Shorter whines, before wrapping himself tightly around Ash. 

Ash blinks, shuts his eyes, face warmly pressed against his best friend’s shoulder 

“I wish I could say the same.” He mumbles, voice tender.

Shorter laughs and pulls away. A little too early in Ash’s opinion. 

“It was terrible. Worst three days of my life.” Shorter hums, grabbing one of the bags and leading Ash back inside.

“Now imagine how I’d feel if you were dead.”

Ash pauses, taken aback. 

“Why would you say that shit to me?” He grimaces, face pinched. 

“Just something for you to think about.” Shorter smiles, as if it’s the most casual thing in the world.

“You’re not very subtle.” Ash murmurs, palm pressed against the kitchen table. 

Shorter just laughs before setting down one of Ash’s bags and opening it on the chair.

“And now you’re going through my stuff. Great.” He huffs, flinging himself down on a kitchen chair. 

“Oh—I forgot.” Shorter muses, rifling through Ash’s belongings shamelessly. “I didn’t know you were adopted.”

“Yeah. It doesn’t really come up in conversation.”

“Hmm. It does, but okay.” 

“When has it ever come up? Name one time.”

“When I asked you why you call your dad by his first name—and you said, ‘no reason.’” Shorter deadpans. 

Ash sucks in a breath. “Oh.” 

“Yeah. Is there a reason you didn’t want to tell me?” Shorter asks, but it’s not accusatory. Just genuinely curious. Maybe even worried.   
  


_Of course I wanted to tell you._ Ash thinks, palm against his chin. _There’s so much that I wish I could._

“It’s not—it’s not you.” Ash mumbles, bringing his arms down to cross against his chest. “It’s hard for me to—I don’t know. It’s hard to talk about.” He finishes, eyes trained on a piece of tile across the kitchen floor. 

Shorter glances up at him, down at the contents of the Tupperware he’s holding. “I can understand.” He hums. 

Ash just sighs, let’s his gaze drop again. “I don’t think that anyone does.”

Shorter pauses, giving Ash a dry look. 

“I was raised by a teenage girl Ash. I get it.”

Ash’s eyes widen, heart sinking. What is _wrong_ with him? _Shorter doesn’t have a family, you fucking dumbass!_

“I—I’m sorry! Shit, I know you do, I know.” Ash trembles, standing up. “I really didn’t mean that— I’m so sorry.” His words are tripping over themselves, frantic, apologetic. 

Shorter gives him a look of pure confusion. “What?! Sorry for what?” 

“I—I shouldn’t have said that—“ Ash gasps, he’s freaking out now. How could he be so insensitive? So cruel?

Shorter just sighs, tries to grab Ash by the shoulders and sit him back down. “I have no fucking clue why you’re apologizing.”

“Because I said you don’t understand—when I know you do.” Ash tries to explain between his chattering teeth. The palms on his shoulders are a grounding weight. _Don’t let go, don’t let go—_

“All you said was that you feel like—misunderstood.” Shorter murmurs, expression soft. “I don’t get why you’re so upset about it.”

“Because it was fucked up.” Ash whines, burying his face in his hands. Shorter pries at them, tries to fix Ash’s stature—his natural inclination to curl in on himself. He squeezes Ash’s face a bit between his palms.  
“Did you hear a single thing I just said?” 

Ash bites back the oncoming tears “Yes—sorry. Now I’m not listening to you. Fuck!” He cries out, pulse uncontrollable. He feels sick and hot and frightened and there is a fiery ball of guilt and apology stuck in the back of his throat.

Shorter just pulls him closer, tucks Ash’s head into his neck. “Stop apologizing. I still have no idea what you’re talking about.” He mumbles, holding Ash close. Holding him even though he should be forcing Ash out the door. Even though he’s more of a demon than a person. 

“I’m sorry.” Ash sniffs, pressing his face further into Shorter’s shirt. 

“Wait—are you crying?!” Shorter yelps, tries to pull away to get a proper look at Ash, but Ash is far beyond glued to the juncture between neck and shoulder. He squeezes his eyes shut, hiding his face. 

“I’m-I’m not—“ Ash practically _sobs_. 

Shorter freezes, before opting to just rock him back and forth a bit, pet his hair back. “Shhh….. it’s okay.”

“I say all this— shit to you—and-and you’re the one helping me—“ Ash mumbles, pulling back. He wipes his eyes—rubbing a little frantically. 

“Shit!” Shorter scolds, pulling Ash’s sleeve away from his face. “Be gentle—and for the last time, you didn’t say anything-“

There’s a soft knock, ricochets throughout the house. 

“Here—“ Shorter murmurs, tries to guide Ash to sit down.

“It’s fine. I've got it.” Ash snaps, bolting to the door.

“Goddamnit Ash—“

“It’s Eiji.” Ash mumbles, shooting Shorter a look. It’s close enough to pleading that Shorter drops it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR ALL THE COMMENTS IF YOU COMMENT I DEDICATE MY WORKS TO YOU!! I have not read them yet but I am going to right now and respond to each one :D muah


	5. Chapter 5

“There is something going on!” Eiji whines, kicking his legs out. They’re sitting in a circle on the carpet, Ash and Shorter opposite from each other, both boys deeply invested in a stare down. 

Eiji huffs when neither of them reply and crosses his arms together. “There was a fight!” 

Ash breaks eye contact with Shorter to whip his head around defensively. “We are  _ not  _ fighting.”

Shorter doesn’t reply, just keeps his eyes trained on Ash, burning holes in his head. Eiji scratches his cheek, lets out a huff of laughter.

“Ah—this is awkward.”

The tension skyrockets, making Eiji fluster even more. His face is red, eyes scanning the room frantically. 

“Will one of you please tell me what is going on?” He begs, attention darting between his two friends. Ash sighs, shooting for a casual tone. “There’s nothing going on, Eiji.”

Eiji just laughs in discomfort, the silence gnawing at his gut. Slowly but surely, his lip wobbles, face falling. 

“Have—have I done something wrong?” He whispers, eyebrows knit together. 

Shorter and Ash snap out of their silent argument simultaneously, attention shifting to Eiji. 

“No!”

“Of course not!”

Eiji just shakes his head, draws his knees up to his chest. 

“Ash just got home, I come to see him and—and—he does not like me anymore.” He mumbles to himself, his sentence followed by a hushed string of Japanese. “He did not say goodbye to me either…..”

Ash’s entire face pales, and he shoots his hands out defensively. “It’s not—it’s not like that at all Eiji!” 

Shorter sighs, puts a hand over Eiji’s upturned palm and squeezes. “Ash  _ loves  _ you, okay? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Eiji trembles, twines his and Shorter’s fingers together. 

“Alright then…” 

Ash once again cringes inwardly at the silence basking over them. It’s like white noise, the energy palpable, steam a degree away from boiling. 

Eiji suddenly pulls his arm away, rubbing his nose with his sleeve, and claps his hands together. 

“Let’s play a game or something!” He smiles.

“To make everyone feel better!” 

His expression is bright and cheerful, clearly trying to ease the discomfort. Ash is dripping with gratitude. 

“Hmm… let me think…” Eiji hums, finger on his chin. He lights up, gasping in excitement. “Let’s play twenty questions!” 

“Sure.” Ash mumbles. He watches as Eiji turns to face Shorter. 

“Shorter….what’s a good question....” Eiji tilts his head up thoughtfully. “Oh! Here is one. Who is your favorite actor?”

“Ash.” Shorter deadpans. 

“Oh—sorry—did I use the wrong word?” Eiji asks, voice muddled with confusion. Shorter just shakes his head. “Nope.” He smiles, pointing a finger at the blonde. 

“Since Ash loves  _ acting _ like he’s fine all the time.”

Ash feels a mixture of mortification and rage blend together inside his chest. He narrows his eyes, leans in towards Shorter. “Wow. Are you proud of yourself for that one?” 

“Ah-“ Eiji gasps, the situation dawning on him. “We can play another game!”

“No, I like this one, Eiji.” Shorter grins. “It’s my turn, and I choose Ash! Hey Ash, why did you stop doing all of your schoolwork?”

Ash rolls his eyes, looking down at his nails. “This is a really fucked up version of twenty questions.”

“Wait—Ash—“ Eiji mumbles, dripping with worry. “You are not doing homework either? You said you were just skipping class!” 

“He’s also not going to work.” Shorter adds, leaning towards Ash so their shoulders are pressed together. 

“Are you serious?!” Eiji gasps, bringing a hand up to his mouth. 

Ash feels sick, a little dizzy. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He mutters, but his voice sounds far away. He hears Eiji and Shorter speaking, catches his own name a few times, but can’t tune into what they’re saying. There’s a hot ball of panic rising up through his body, the lack of control freaking him out. He feels high, feels fucked in the head. Eyes wide, frightened, he turns to Shorter, feels like crying when their gazes meet.

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.” He mumbles, but all the heat in his voice is gone. There’s a waver in his tone and no support between the words and his throat.“I don’t want to fight.” He trembles, hugging his arms around himself. 

There’s a beat. Eiji and Shorter fall silent. Eiji suddenly stands up and pats Ash on the head. 

“Okay.” He hums. “Let‘s get out of here. Fresh air for Ash, yes?”

Shorter follows him, grabs Ash’s coat off the rack and drapes it around his shoulders. “Where to, Eiji?” 

Eiji smiles. “We are going to go to the store. Grocery shop with me.”

Ash wobbles on his feet, watches numbly as Shorter buttons up his coat. The proximity is intimate; and he feels shaky, helpless, when Eiji reaches up to fix his collar.

“I can stay here.” he mumbles, a little dizzy.

“No. It’s perfect. I need to go shopping—“ Eiji huffs, hands on his hips. “And  _ you  _ need to get out more.”

Ash just nods numbly, loses himself in the warm hand curled around his own. 

————

“Don’t you  _ dare _ start stealing!” Eiji huffs, whipping around to glare at his friends. 

“We weren’t!” Shorter whines, dropping the pack of gum he was holding back on the shelf. Ash rolls his eyes. Eiji gives a pointed look of disbelief and turns back around. 

“ _ Lean against it—yeah like that.”  _ Ash whispers, guiding Shorter to block the camera’s view—

“I can  _ hear _ you!” Eiji scolds, spinning around again. Ash just pouts, shoves his hands in his pockets.

“You stole a  _ dog  _ Eiji.” 

“I  _ rescued  _ a dog. You are just a— a—“ Eiji pauses, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Kleptomaniac?” Ash tries. 

“I did not know that was a word. But sure. That’s what you are.”

Eiji pushes his cart down the aisle, white knuckling the handle. He glares at his friends almost every chance he gets. The anger washes off of him quickly however, when Eiji stops in front of a rack of ice cream bars.

“Ah!” He smiles, hopping up and down. “I love these! You guys should get some too!”

“All you’ve gotten is snack food Eiji. Are you trying to be a fatass?” Ash quips.

“Hmph. You are just angry because I am stronger than you.” Eiji grins mischievously. “Hey Shorter, Ash couldn’t even climb a wall by himself the other day!”

Shorter’s eyes widen, a smile spreading over his face.

Ash immediately latches onto his arm.  _ “Don’t you dare—“ _

“Really Eiji?” Shorter interrupts. “That’s so weird, I've seen Ash jump the wall in front of our building like—at least ten times.”

Eiji giggles, turns to Shorter. “No way. Do you think he just wanted to hold my hand or something?”

“That’s what it looks like.” Shorter hums, “how sneaky.”

Eiji tilts his chin up, pushes the cart forward. “Ah—little boys and their crushes? Don’t you agree?”

All of the heat in Ash’s body rushes to his face.

“Shut up.” He mumbles, halfheartedly. 

Eiji laughs, looks to Shorter again. “Do you think he is going to ask me to his middle school dance? The prom I believe?”

“That’s highschool Eiji, still a couple years away for him.”

Part of Ash wants to leave the building and never come back, while another part of him wants to relish in Eiji’s soft laughter. 

Unfortunately, he stays. 

“Ash.” Eiji smiles, swinging his arms side to side. “Thank you for coming with us today.”

Ash rubs his nose, flushes. “Sure Eiji.”

Eiji doesn’t look away, holds his gaze steady.

“No, really.” He hums, blinking up at his friend. 

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) and happy New Year! Anyone have a good resolution? Any fun plans for 2021? I am turning 18 soon!! And it’s very exciting. I am going to buy a lottery ticket, and then I am going to show it off to everyone. Time moves forward! I need to post this more frequently! That’s my resolution for now.   
> Stay safe and healthy and happy :D remember you are treasured!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you trying to tell me something, Ash?” Eiji mumbles, in the dark.
> 
> Ash feels a soft shiver run down his spine. 
> 
> “I don’t know, maybe?” It depends on how you’ll take it.

Ash wakes up, and can’t see _anything_ . It’s dark, but so much deeper than the usual pitch black basking over the room. It’s a sickening dark, he can’t see his hand in front of his face, and the bedroom is about twenty degrees colder. He feels his heart pounding. _Where am I?!_

Ash pales and gasps, reaches over to flick the bedside lamp on, and it _doesn’t fucking work._ He’s shivering now, there’s no familiar buzz of the heater, the light that stays on outside their window might as well be dead—it’s—it’s so unfamiliar, _what—what’s happening to me?!_

“Ah-“ he breathes out audibly, _it feels like he’s back in that room—in that—_

“Oh my god! It’s freezing.” A voice whines from next to him, and Ash almost cries in relief, flinging himself on top of Shorter. _Thank god thank god thank god thank god_

“Ow!—Ash? Are you okay?” He mumbles, pulling himself to a sitting position and looking up his friend. It’s too dark to really see, but Ash is straddling his lap. 

“ _Shorter—_ “ He cries, softly as to not wake the entire complex, and flings his arms around his best friend’s shoulders. Shorter catches him, holds him tight and flush against his chest. 

“Oh—oh— it’s okay. Shh.” He soothes, running a hand through his hair. Ash lets out a string of sobs, crying even harder when Shorter starts rocking him back and forth. 

“What happened?” He asks, voice painfully soft. Ash buries his face into his neck, breath hitching. 

“I-I-don’t know—“ he hiccups, frightened and piteous. Shorter tightens his arms around Ash’s waist, squeezing him gently.

“It’s okay. I have you. I have you.” There’s a hand on the back of his head, on his back. Soft touch. Warm.

“I’m sorry—I just—“ Ash lets out another shuddering breath. “I don’t like—I don’t like the apartment— like this—“ Ash cries, the embrace is warm, unlike the pitch black surrounding him. Reminds him of waking up alone and cold. Reminds him of stepping down into his coach’s basement. He holds on tighter, and it gives him something tangible, secure, since he can’t make out his surroundings. “I’m sorry—I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh. It’s okay, sweetheart.” Shorter breathes out. He’s using the same type of tone that he uses for Eiji, the one full of adoration. It makes Ash feel bad, makes him swallow a sob.

“What do you need?” The arms around him pull Ash closer, hands on his back. Ash hiccups.

“Can you turn the light on? Please?” He asks.

Ash wishes he could make out Shorter’s face in the dark. See if he’s mad— _he didn’t sound mad, right?_

“I’ll see okay? But it looks like the building might be out.”

“Please—“ He begs. _Knock it off. What the hell is Shorter supposed to do?!_ Ash thinks to himself. _He’s not going to put up with your shit if you don’t calm down._

“Want me to go downstairs and talk to the front?”

Oh.

Ash pauses, it’s a really good idea, but that implies Shorter would get up and leave him here. Before he can reply, he feels his friend shift underneath him, making Ash panic, squeeze tighter, death grip.

“Ah—shit—you’re pretty strong, huh?” Shorter jokes, wincing. Ash flushes, realizes Shorter is tensing at how tightly Ash is holding him. He has to force himself to loosen up. 

“Here—that better?” Shorter murmurs, phone light in hand. It’s still dark, but Ash can actually make out shapes and movement. He nods, gratefully, almost sighing in relief. 

“Want to stand? We can go together.” 

Ash cringes at his own voice. “Can—can we wait a minute?”

“As long as you need, Ash. Baby boy. It’s okay.”

Ash sniffs, his bite is coming back. 

“You’re only a year older than me.” He mumbles. 

“And it makes all the difference, see?” Shorter laughs, gestures to Ash. Ash opens his mouth to reply, when there’s a soft _thump_ against the window.

“What was that?!” 

“Don’t worry. It’s probably just a pumpkin or something.”

The blonde actually stiffens. 

“Sorry. Not funny.” Shorter apologizes, shakes his head. Ash feels him shift to get up, and watches him walk to the window. He wraps his arms around himself at the newfound emptiness.

“Shine the light over here, Aslan.”

Ash scrambles to the phone, desperate to be any sort of help. Shines it at the window and—-

“Goddamnit!” 

“ _Shorter!_ “

“Sorry—sorry Ash. Didn’t mean to yell.”

The window is covered in snow. Like they’re buried. Shorter turns to him. 

“It’s probably just against the balcony. We’re too high up to have the door blocked. I’m gonna have to clean that off later though.” He groans, palm on his forehead.

Ash still feels trapped, worry rising in his chest. He watches numbly as Shorter changes into regular clothes, a jacket. “You can stay back while I go check okay?” 

Ash can’t hide the hitch in his breath. _I’ll be fine. Don’t make a big deal out of this_.

Shorter catches it, reaches over to brush Ash’s hair back. 

“Don’t worry. I’m calling Eiji over to hang out with you.”

Guilt scratches at Ash’s throat. 

“You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s no trouble, Ash.”

“You really don’t have to worry.”

Shorter grabs the phone from Ash’s hands, dials Eiji’s number, turning to smile down at him.

“Too late for that, sweetie.”

The cell buzzes, and it clicks when Eiji picks up. 

“Hey Eiji.” Shorter hums into the phone. “Yeah, it’s just an outage. I’m gonna go downstairs to the front desk, can you come sit with Ash for me? He’s scared of the dark—“

“I’m not!” 

“I know right Eiji? Our poor baby.” Shorter laughs into the receiver. Ash glares at him when he hangs up.

“Why did you tell him that?!”

“Was he not allowed to know?”

Ash flushes. Turns away. 

“You act like we’re going to use this shit against you. Nobody cares that you’re scared of the dark, Ash.” He sighs, walking out of the room to unlock the front door. Ash scrambles after him, latching on to Shorter’s arm.

“I can’t see anything….” he mumbles, rubbing his cheek against his friend's shoulder. 

“I’d be super freaked out if you could.”

Ash doesn’t reply, just exhales, annoyed.

“You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” Shorter laughs.

“I’m not.” He is

Shorter is fumbling with the latch, when the door swings open by itself.

“You finally used your key!” He cheers. Eiji just whines, shivering. He’s holding his own phone as a flashlight. 

“It is _miserable_ outside!”

His nose is red, pajamas mussed. He has a blanket draped gently over his shoulders, sniffles. 

Shorter ruffles Eiji’s hair, kicking his shoes on.

“I’ll be right back. Lock the door.”

“Bossy bossy!” Eiji huffs, pushing Shorter through the exit. Ash watches as he latches the lock behind them, turns around in the soft light. 

“Let’s go back to bed.” He orders, grabbing Ash by the elbow. Ash exhales, lets himself be led through the apartment. They turn the corner into Ash’s room, and Eiji practically _dives_ under the covers.   
“This is terrible. I am supposed to be awake at _seven_ Ash.”

Ash pauses, standing by the mattress. 

“Ashhh….” Eiji whines, swatting at the blonde in the dark. “Just come here.”

“Ah—sure.” Ash flushes. Puts a knee on the mattress and winces at the shift. He gets under the blanket with Eiji, and tentatively wraps an arm around him.

_Am I doing this right?!_

Eiji shifts back against his chest, squirming a little.

He’s really really soft, and is warming up already. He’s shorter than Ash, but a little less lithe. Usually Ash is the one being held, the one on the receiving end of affections, but this is really really nice. He should pull someone he cares about against his chest more often. 

“You hold me so tight.” Eiji exhales, a little strained.

So much for being cold, Ash’s face is hot hot hot against Eiji’s neck now. 

“Sorry!” He yelps, now hyper aware of his white knuckle grip. Can you blame him?! He wants to pull Eiji against himself so hard that he sinks inside of his chest. Eiji giggles. “It is okay. Give me a few more minutes and I will hold you next.”

Ash tries to be more gentle. Tries to fight the urge to squeeze the life out of Eiji given the chance. He reaches a hand up, and strokes it clumsily through Eiji’s hair. 

There are intimate touches he's practiced in. Familiar, like the back of his hand. 

Loving gestures are foreign territory.

Eiji sighs against his ministrations though, and it feels magical. Ash tries to think about the things he enjoys when being held, and nervously hooks a leg over Eiji’s. 

_I can have this._ He thinks, Eiji relaxing beneath his hands as if they still belong to him. As if Ash isn’t an object. He looks at Ash and sees a nice boy with pretty hair and a fear of the dark and doesn’t see the bruises littering his body shaped like the hands of each and every person who has had their way with him. 

There are some things that Eiji can never, ever know.

Ash tears up, sniffs a little. He’s already keyed up and emotional. Burying his face into Eiji’s sleep shirt, he sighs. Eiji immediately shifts to turn around and face him.   
“Are you okay, Ash? Oh! Why are you crying?”  
”No reason.” Ash mumbles. He hates Eiji seeing him like this, but he _always_ digs up this side of Ash. The one with his guard down. 

“Eiji.” He breathes, burying his cheek against their shared pillow. His voice comes out tiny, insecure. 

“Do you think I’m dirty?”

Eiji doesn’t respond right away. Instead he shuts his eyes, and wraps a gentle arm around Ash.   
“I’m not sure I understand.” He whispers, rubbing a thumb up and down Ash’s shoulder. “Did someone call you that?”

“Yes.” Ash breathes, looking down. _You have no idea—the things they called me_. 

“You are not.” Eiji replies, worried expression. “You are not. Who said that to you?”  
Ash pauses. They’re treading on thin ice here.

“It’s a secret.”

“A secret.” Eiji repeats. His eyes are still closed, and he’s clearly working the conversation over in his mind. “What kind?”

Ash doesn’t respond, and Eiji blinks up, meets his gaze almost carefully.

Eiji looks into his eyes, he’s scanning them, deep in thought. Ash would feel violated, if it wasn’t Eiji. 

“Are you trying to tell me something, Ash?”

Ash feels a soft shiver run down his spine. 

“I don’t know, maybe?” _It depends on how you’ll take it._

 _”_ Maybe something that happened?” Eiji pushes. “Maybe someone hurt you?”

Ash nods, numb.

“You know—you can tell me anything.” Eiji urges. “It will feel good to get it off of your chest.”

Ash doesn’t reply, his heart pounding. Eiji pushes a little further, taking Ash’s hand in his own. 

“If someone hurt you—I will not be angry. Did someone in your class—or your parents?”

“No.” Ash shakes his head. 

“There is nothing to be ashamed of. Do you know what I’m talking about, Ash? Am I correct?” Eiji is clearly treading around certain words, as to not scare Ash away. They both know what they’re talking about.

Ash looks away. Focuses on their joined hands.

”It’s-it’s really—like personal.”

“That is okay.”

 _You have no idea._ Ash thinks _. You have no idea how bad—how bad-_

“You are safe here, Ash. Anything you share will not leave this room. I will not judge.”

He feels sick. Not tonight, not tonight—

“Can—can we—I don’t want to talk about it anymore—sorry.” Ash rushes out. It’s too much, too much right now. 

“Yes. That’s okay. Can I ask one more thing?”

“What-what is it?”

“Did something happen recently?”

Ash exhales. 

“No.”

“Okay. Thank you for sharing, Ash.” Eiji mumbles, brushing a strand of hair behind Ash’s ear. “You are so strong. I do not look at you differently. I will drop it now.”

Ash melts. Melts melts melts. This is too good, Eiji is too good to him, too merciful. 

“Do you want to turn around, so I can hold you?”

Ash nods, and the mattress creaks as he shifts, his back to Eiji. He feels an arm around his waist, and soft circular motions against his side. The confession makes him feel uncomfortable, a little embarrassed. He sniffs, and Eiji squeezes him tighter. 

“You can cry. It is so safe to cry, I am honored you trust me with that conversation, and I hope we can have it again.”

Ash slips into a soft mess of tears. Silent and shaky. Eiji holds him, and holds him, and squeezes their legs together, and cradles Ash in his arms, and nuzzles his nose into Ash’s back, his shoulders. _He’s honored_ Ash thinks, curled in a ball. _I’m safe here_.

————

Ash blinks, bleary, but he’s warm. 

“That took so long—“ Eiji whines, sitting up. Ash is curled in his lap like a cat. Scowls at the movement.

Shorter quite _rudely_ flicks the light on. 

“Turn that shit off.” Ash groans, burying his head in Eiji’s lap.

“Oh, so _now_ you want the light off. I’m _dying_ Ash. I almost _died_.” Shorter cries, his body vibrating with shivers. 

Eiji looks down at Ash, smiles softly. “They made him stand outside with the flashlight. Poor thing.”

“I pay to live here—and for what?!” He whines, flinging Ash’s drawer open. “I’m wearing your clothes. I don’t even care.” 

“You’re going to stretch everything out with your fat fucking head.”

“Remember this morning? How nice you were to me? Remember when you cried for me Ash?”

“I seriously can’t recall. Hypothermia affects your memory…. maybe we should be worried.”

“Next time the power goes out, I’m putting a pumpkin in your room and shutting the door.”

Eiji tilts his head back and laughs. Ash flushes, swats Eiji on the head. “That wasn’t even clever!”

Shorter grins, shuts the light off before curling up against Eiji. 

“Go sleep in the other room.” Ash drawls. 

“Shorter brought us the heat again, and you complain!” Eiji giggles, squeezing Shorter in his arms. 

“I’m pretty sure it was the neighbors who fixed this shit.” Ash deadpans. “Shorter can barely use the washing machine.” 

“I was an asset.” Shorter mumbles into Eiji’s neck. “They all cheered for me. Offered me a job. I’m famous now.”

“You gonna quit Chang Dai?” Ash bites, laughing.

“I’m loyal to Nadia. You know this.”

Ash smiles and turns on his side. A hand curls in his hair. Not sure who it belongs to, but these are the only circumstances in which it doesn’t matter. 

———

Eiji shakes the bag of dog food into the bowl, smiles at the telltale pitter patter of buddy running to him.

“Good girl!” He grins, turning on his heel and laying down on the couch while she eats. 

💜Shorter💜 

I TTOUDNSJSJE

SJHSJSHEHJWJENE

  
I hate when you do that(*☻-☻*)

Sorry

What I meant to say was

I’m off and will see you tmorrw🥺

Yes!!! Can’t wait! 

(๑>◡<๑)

How do you get those 

On your keyboard

I want them so bad 

Eiji laughs to himself, heading out to class. Unfortunately, he sits next to Arthur in math. When he puts his bag down, he already hears laughter from the seat to his left.

He keeps his chin up. “Good morning.”

Arthur kicks his chair. “Can you repeat that? I can’t understand you.” Eiji just gives him a dry look. Sits quietly. They’re half way into the lesson when Eiji cringes, and leans over. 

“Did I write this correctly?” He whispers.

Arthur grabs his notebook from him, studies the page so much that Eiji flushes.

“Damn.” He mutters, putting it down. “You’re really stupid.”

Eiji leans back and sighs. _I walked into that one_. He thinks. 

Other than that, Arthur is oddly quiet today. He keeps side eyeing Eiji almost curiously, and Eiji doesn’t really know what to think. 

“Hey, Eiji.”

“Yes?” 

“Why were you asking around for my address?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t go 2 minutes w/o writing hurt comfort. Next up-Eiji gets his shit rocked. Also I feel like this fic is lowkey a whole lot of nothing so here is my new vow, something interesting will happen in most chapters. This is my love letter to the slice of life genre, and I realized that very few people are interested in the damn grocery store arc.   
> Anyways :) love ya! Happy Monday! I hope you had a great day at school or work or home!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violence and suicidal ideation warning! Eiji gets pummeled. Shorter’s knife makes an appearance. Why is this chapter so long? Because I love you. That’s why.

Eiji hurries up the stairs to his apartment, hands trembling. Oh god, this is bad. Eiji is an athlete, but fortunately enough, has no experience in violence. He will get his ass kicked. 

Arthur follows him almost slowly, having tailed him after class got out. Eiji knows he should’ve called someone—or  _ something _ . But he’s already a liability enough!

Eiji stops, turns around on the landing below his room. Arthur is right behind him now, face to face. 

“Ah—what is—the problem?” Eiji quips, almost innocently. He’s peering up at Arthur, eyes wide, when the blonde spins his arm around, catches Eiji’s hoodie in a death grip. 

Eiji gasps, feels his feet leave the ground. Arthur’s white fisting his collar, their noses almost touching. 

“Ah!” He yelps, trying to wiggle out of the grasp. 

“Why did you break my fucking window!?”

Eiji feels his heart drop, face paling. 

“It’s so weird…” Arthur starts, pulling Eiji closer. “The same day I give you shit, someone tries to break into my fucking house. And  _ then  _ I hear you asked around for my address.”

Eiji looks away, flushing a bit. He’s been caught.

“Are you going to hit me?” He mumbles, eyes darting back and forth. Arthur just laughs.

“Not if you apologize. Say you’re sorry.” 

Eiji visibly relaxes. This is easy! He’s great at apologizing! 

“I am sorry.” He breathes. “sorry for breaking your glass, sorry for taking your dog home.” Eiji finishes, and shuts his eyes.

“You—“ Arthur blinks. “ _ You stole my dog?” _

Ah—uh oh

“Did I?” Eiji peeps nervously, eyes shooting open.

“Jesus.” Arthur laughs, before tossing Eiji down onto the ground. Eiji winces at the impact, stairs digging into his back, he braces his palms on the concrete, trying to pick himself up. He pushes himself to sit, but Arthur lifts his leg, kicks him in the mouth,  _ hard. _

“Ah!” He yelps, blocking his face with his arms. “You said—you would not—“ 

“Did I?” Arthur hums, before stomping down on Eiji’s middle. He cries out, curls in on himself. Arthur picks him up, and pushes him down against the railing, holding him by his shirt, like he’s going to throw him down to the ground below. They’re on the eighth floor. 

Horror takes over and Eiji doesn’t care, kicks his legs desperately, crying out. His hand slips from the balcony, and he can feel his gut drop as his upper half almost tips back—he lunges himself forward in a panic, and knocks into Arthur’s nose,  _ hard. _

Arthur let’s go of his collar, lurches back, cupping his face. Eiji’s eyes widen at the blood dripping down Arthur’s chin.

“Ah!” He cries, cupping Arthur by the elbow. “I am so sorry! Did I hurt you?!” Small tears scoot down his cheeks. “I was just frightened! I did not do it on purpose!” 

“You’re sorry?!” Arthur grunts, bracing himself against the wall. “Is that all you know how to say?! You’re that fucking stupid?!” 

Eiji winces, stepping back. “You are angry because I hurt you. I am so sorry, I mean that.” He trembles, clutching his chest, he opens his mouth to say more,  but Arthur pushes him against the wall, swings his fist against Eiji’s cheekbone.   
There’s a crack and a whine, his knees giving out. But it’s okay, he’s okay. Except he’s doing a really bad job of breathing, and he’s started to cry really loud, and he’s panicking because he’s never felt this little before in his life, and even if he wanted to defend himself he would have no idea  _ how. _ Eiji hears his own voice from far away, Arthur’s laughter. His body cold against the snow. 

—————

“He’s not my father.” Ash rolls his eyes. “He’s just some random guy who felt guilty about my brother dying.”

“Michael died?!” Shorter pales, heart dropping. 

“No! You fucking idiot! My  _ other  _ brother!” Ash groans and flings himself down. Back against the couch, leg hanging over the side.   
Shorter  _ knows  _ about Griffin, but it’s easy to forget when Ash won’t even say his name out loud.

“Ash—calm down.” Shorter soothes, reaching down to brush his bangs back, the gesture that Ash never fails to lean into. 

“I’m calm—I’m sorry. I’m sorry-just—I didn’t mean to call you that.”

“Ash, your parents wouldn’t bring an  _ entire  _ child into their family just because they felt bad. That isn’t realistic.”

“That’s why they waited so long! So they wouldn’t have to deal with my pathetic ass.” He whines, kicking a little bit. 

“Ash— _ Ash. _ They love you, they do. They drove all the way down here just to come get you.”

“All I do is bother them.”

“I don’t think you bother them  _ enough _ .”

“All I do is bother everyone.”

“I can speak for myself, actually. You don’t bother me.”

Ash stares up at the ceiling, blank. It’s fine. He knows exactly what he is, even if Shorter is too nice, too blind to see it.   
He has an idea of Ash that's clean, and whole. Which is why Ash is going to do what’s best for everyone. For Eiji, for his ‘parents.’ His best friend. For himself. 

Shorter looks like he’s about to say something, but Ash’s phone starts vibrating from the table. 

“Who is it?” Ash mumbles, arm thrown over his eyes.

“Your boyfriend.” Shorter hums, tapping the screen to answer the call.

“Now you’re answering  _ my  _ phone. Great.”

“Hello?” Shorter grins into the receiver. Ash watches his face drop a little. “Are you okay?”

Ash sits up, _what the hell is going on?_

They talk for a minute, before Shorter hangs up, walks to the door.

“He says he fell down the stairs and needs help up the last landing.” Shorter nods. Ash sighs in relief.

“He’s so fucking clumsy.”

Shorter laughs, hops out the door. Ash can hear him a bit from the outside hall, and rushes to follow him when his voice echoes back into the room.

“ _ Eiji—what the fuck?! _ ”

Ash makes it to the doorway, and Shorter is practically carrying Eiji inside. Eiji is smiling—but his face is completely fucked up—and his neck is bruised—there’s a hole in the collar of his shirt, a bit of blood on his jeans—and he’s crying—he’s crying—

“Ah—how embarrassing.” He giggles, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. And he’s shaking. A crazy amount.

Ash never fucking knows what’s going on inside of Eiji’s head.

“What happened?!” He mutters, helping Eiji to sit. Eiji just blinks, almost innocently.

“Shorter did not tell you? I fell.” His words are slurred. 

“Fell into someone’s fist.” Shorter murmurs, wiping Eiji’s face, his nose is still bleeding a little. 

“Not true.” Eiji retorts. But the comeback is slow, and he’s blinking funny.

“There’s a shoe print on your face.” Ash mumbles, eyebrows knit together. All he can think is  _ no no no no no no no no no _ .

“It is fine, Ash.” Eiji smiles, reassuring. But it’s not. Ash is shaking, he wants to die. He’d rather die than imagine what happened to Eiji, what happened when he wasn’t there. 

“It’s not fine, Eiji! What happened?!”

Eiji pokes his tongue out. There’s blood in his mouth. “Already told you.”

Shorter huffs, his hands in his hair, nods to his friends. 

“Shit—here.”

Ash grabs their little aid kit from Shorter’s hands (courtesy of Nadia Wong) and starts dabbing under Eiji’s eyes, sitting on the table in front of him. 

“Who did this?” Ash mumbles.

“Nobody.” Eiji huffs, nose tilted up. 

“Don’t be like that. Just tell me.”

“I started it.”

“What the fuck?!” Ash retorts, incredulously.

“It’s true. So do not worry about it.” Eiji whispers, looking down at his trembling hands. It’s piteous, painful.

“Eiji—“ Ash demands, voice wavering. “You have to tell me, _right. Now.”  
_  
He’s going to kill someone tonight. He is.

”Please do not worry.” Eiji replies, flushing. He bites his lip, cracked and bleeding a bit, so Ash rubs his thumb over it.   
  


“Eiji....” he murmurs, “just tell me—we can help—“

_ click. _

Ash pauses, his sentence interrupted by the soft sound of metal scraping metal.   
He whips his attention to Shorter, whose switchblade is flung out and open against his side.   


“Eiji.” Shorter starts, completely calm. “If you don’t tell me who did this right now, I’m going to beat the shit out of every single person within a mile radius of here.” 

Eiji’s eyes open comically wide, and he waves his hands in front of himself defensively. 

“Ah—please don’t! _ ” _ He yelps, face white as a sheet. Ash just blinks in shock.   


”C’mon then. Just tell me. Make this easier for everyone.”

”I—“ Eiji’s eyes well up with a fresh set of tears. “I—don’t want to—“

Shorter puts a hand on his hip, leaning forward, blade still drawn up. “Just give me a name, sweetheart.”

Eiji’s lip trembles, resolve breaking. He wraps his arms around himself. 

“Arthur….” 

“Cool.” Shorter grins, eerily calm. “I’m gonna cut him up and eat him.”

Eiji’s face melts into a look of pure terror, before he tilts his head back and starts full body sobbing. 

“I’m sorry!” He cries, and Ash lunges forward to take him into his arms. 

“Shhh….. it’s okay Eiji….. why are you apologizing?” He mumbles into his hair. Eiji hugs him back.

“Because—because—“ Eiji sniffs, whining. “I got hit—and now there is—so much trouble—“ 

“Eiji—“ Ash mumbles, incredulously. “How—how is getting beat up your fault?” He strokes a hand gently down Eiji’s spine, petting his shoulder. Their chests are flush, Eiji’s arms around Ash’s middle. He’s eating up the affection like he’s starving, nuzzling his bruised face into Ash’s chest. 

_ I’m going to protect you. _ Ash thinks, subconsciously kissing the side of Eiji’s head, fluffy patch of hair. 

“It’s my fault—because I started it—“ 

“Yeah well, he deserved it.” Ash deadpans. Eiji makes no fucking sense. 

“He will die—and Shorter will be in jail—and it will be all my fault!”

Shorter smiles from where he’s putting his jacket on. “Don’t cry Eiji, I won’t get caught.” 

Eiji just curls in on Ash and sobs harder. 

“You’re upsetting him, Shorter.” Ash rolls his eyes, squeezing Eiji protectively. “He doesn’t like that scary stuff. Don’t go anywhere.”

Shorter groans, but sits down next to Eiji. He looks like he’s itching to kill. So is Ash. But Eiji first. Eiji always comes first.

Ash gives a knowing look, tucks Eiji into his chest and leans towards Shorter’s ear. “ _ You’re not fucking him up without me.” _

Eiji trembles, wipes his eyes. “That was the first time—someone hit me…” he mumbles, his heart is still pounding. 

“And the last.” Ash adds, tucks Eiji right back where he was. Shorter rubs a hand up and down Eiji’s back, stopping between his shoulders. 

“That was scary, wasn’t it?”

Eiji shudders. “I thought I would die…..he was so horrible to me…..” his hands are freezing from the snow, and Shorter takes one, rubs his palm. 

“His pulse is crazy.” Ash mumbles, stroking Eiji’s wrist before intertwining their fingers. Shorter nods, bumps the ridges of Eiji’s spine with his hand.

“His little rabbit-heart.” Shorter hums, patting Eiji twice. 

“I am so scared now.” Eiji mumbles. Ash holds him tighter. 

“Do you want to use the shower?” He asks, rubbing Eiji’s back. “You’re covered in blood, honey.”

“Yeah.” Eiji sniffs, standing up. He’s still shaking, but hot water should help with that. 

—————

“He tried to throw me off the balcony too!” Eiji peeps, he’s sitting on the floor now, bowl of ice cream in his lap. He’s wearing Ash’s t-shirt, and a soft pair of shorts. “Oh! And—guess what?! When he stomped my back—I almost fell asleep! It was like a movie!”

Eiji finds the story a lot less sad, and a lot more cool now, spewing detail after detail while Ash and Shorter look on in pure horror. He takes another bite. “I can hardly believe I got beat up! I cannot wait to tell my sister!” 

His face looks better. One of his eyes is still a little swollen, and there’s a tissue up his nose, a soft bruise against his cheek where he was hit. But it’s not too bad. 

“That’s—so cool Eiji.” Shorter cringes. Eiji’s face suddenly pales.

“Ah! Class is going to be so awkward!” He groans, fisting his hair. “How will I ask for help with the answer now?” 

“Eiji….” Ash trails. “I thought you  _ hated  _ Arthur.”

“Of course! But we were still kind of friends. Can I have more please?” He explains, before holding out his bowl. Shorter takes it, walks it to the kitchen.   


“Eiji—how were you friends? Didn’t he bully you? You broke his window!” Ash yelps, brain fizzed. Jesus, Eiji is fucking weird. 

Eiji rubs his chin. “Hmm… he did. But I am forgiving. Ah! Thank you Shorter! Plus, it’s not a big deal. He was just angry.”

Shorter is suspiciously quiet, tapping on his phone in the corner, before he looks up, smiling, flashes the screen towards Eiji. 

“This your guy?”

Eiji’s entire face pales. “Yes—why?”

“Sick.” Shorter grins, before walking out onto the balcony.

Ash and Eiji sit in silence, painfully suspenseful. Shorter walks back inside, throws up a peace sign.

“Got myself a little date with him tomorrow.”

Eiji pouts, “don’t you dare! It will make everything worse!”

“How will killing him make things worse? It’s literally removing the issue.”

“You are lying! You will not kill him!” Eiji yelps, crossing his arms.

“I haven’t gotten to use this knife yet.” Shorter laughs, twirling it around his fingers expertly. “I might slip up.”

Ash zeros in on the blade, the way Shorter handles it like it’s an extension of his own hand. Is it bad that he finds this new image comforting? 

Shorter notices his gaze, shoots him a grin.

“Pretty cool, yeah Ash?”

“It’s alright.”  _ I’m so glad you keep that under the mattress _ .

———

“Oh my gosh! It’s so bright!”

“They look even better at night.” Ash smiles. Eiji squeezes his arm, wide eyed at the lights littering the streets. He looks ethereal, minus the soft bruise on his jaw. Life is good.

“What do you want for Christmas, Ash?”

“Don’t get me anything.” Ash deadpans.  _ Seriously. I won’t be here! _

“Hmmm…. Then I will choose myself.” Eiji grins, mischievous. Ash rolls his eyes. 

Shorter has work today, and then a very professionally scheduled fight. The whole situation is weird, but Ash wants to get a few hits in himself, so he’ll take it.

Eiji guides him further down the street, pulling him towards the coffee shop. “Want to share a chocolate again?” He murmurs, practically hopping in place. Ash would share a rotten apple with Eiji if given the chance. 

“Yeah.” He answers, grabbing his wallet. Ash doesn’t have much, and hasn't been going to work, but he can give Eiji this.

“You don’t have to pay Ash! It was my idea!”

“Too late, Eiji.”

“Ah!” Eiji looks down at his shoes, flushing. “But you already—already helped me yesterday…..”

This won’t do. Ash turns to him, the way he looks down, red faced and a little insecure. 

“That’s what’s best about us, Eiji.” He mumbles, almost shyly. “How we always take care of each other.”

Eiji brightens up, but still frowns. “I feel like it is you always caring for me.” 

Ash hands him the paper cup, and Eiji drinks, wrinkling his nose at the heat.

“Nah.” Ash sighs, throwing an arm around Eiji’s shoulders. “It’s definitely the other way around.”

———

Ash kicks the snow. Watches it puff up and fall. 

“How’s Eiji doing?” Shorter asks, looking down at the stairwell. It’s later in the afternoon, they have a murder to commit. 

“He was better. I think he still feels bad.”

“Yeah.” Shorter sighs. “Typical.” 

“Does Arthur even know why you’re doing this? I mean, he probably doesn’t even know that you and Eiji are friends.”

Shorter laughs.

“Yeah. I have never seen this man before in my life. He probably just thinks I’m crazy.”

“Is he bringing a knife too?” Ash quips. He’s not worried, both of them grew up rough. They can win any fight by themselves, let alone together.

“I don’t know, and I don’t care.” Shorter hums. “Worst comes to worst, I’ve got you.”

_ Yeah _ .  _ And you always will.  _ Ash thinks. Worst comes to worst huh? That phrase applies to his life in more ways than one. 

Crickets chirp. Ash rubs his nose. “Is he even coming?” 

“I fucking hope so.” Shorter murmurs. They’re at an older park, a long stairwell leading up to an unused faculty building.

“I set it up here so I can throw him off the side. Like he did with Eiji.”

“You’re scary….” Ash grins. It’s cool though. He’s scary too. 

There’s a soft crunching of snow, and Ash’s attention shifts to the distance. Shorter’s demeanor completely flips. Suddenly stiff. Arthur appears at the bottom of the stairwell, nothing but the streetlight shining on his face. He puts a hand on the railing, glancing between them, before landing his eyes on Shorter.

“You have an issue with me, motherfucker?” Arthur spits, staring up at them

“You know Eiji Okumura, yeah?” Shorter replies, whipping out his knife. Ash thanks the universe and the sky above that he will never be Shorter Wong’s enemy.

“That’s what this is about?” Arthur laughs, raises an eyebrow. “You’re mad that I don’t like the little fucker? Tell me your names. I wanna see if you’re the ones he was crying for while I—“

Shorter doesn’t even bother replying, interrupts by flicking out the blade. He practically throws himself down the stairs, grabs Arthur by his collar, and knocks his head, once, twice, into the railing. Ash is shaking, angry, his Eiji, tiny and scared, asking for him to come help. The clang of metal on bone is music to his ears. 

Arthur cries out, hands scrambling at Shorter’s shoulders. He stills, when Shorter brings the tip of his knife up to his jawline, tracing it. 

“Hmm.” He smiles. “I think I’m gonna pierce your ears.”

Ash scrambles down the steps, takes his place at Shorter’s side, and holds the blonde boy down.

It’s not the first time Ash has beat the shit out of another person, but it’s the first time he didn’t feel a single drop of guilt at the action. 

—————

When Ash was a kid, or rather a kid who still stood a chance, his brother would carry him in his arms while cooking for them, at the ripe age of sixteen. 

Ash thought about this a lot, while Griffin was gone. While waiting for him to come back. Back when he was tiny, he could fit right between Griffin’s arms, legs and all.

There were some good things about being little, even if he thanks the universe every day that he’s grown enough to protect himself. 

If his brother was alive today, he wouldn’t be able to look at Ash. The little body Griff fed and protected so desperately, wasted away. 

“Ash.” Eiji hums, pulling at the blanket. “It is time to wake up!”

“Mmm.” Ash whines, buries his face in the pillow. 

“You are going to class today. I promised Shorter I would make you.”

Ash doesn’t reply, just shuts his eyes to go back to sleep. Eiji grips the covers in his fists, and rips them off.

————

“Arthur was not in school this morning.” He mumbles as they slip out the door. He’s side eyeing Ash curiously, a little bit of trepidation behind his eyes.

“Good.” Ash replies, smiling. That is good. 

Eiji looks a little sick, nervous.

“Ah— _ is he dead?!” _

“No.” Ash shakes his head, clearly stifling a laugh. Eiji is so fucking dumb.

“It is hard to tell between a joke and the truth.” Eiji groans, embarrassed. “Do not make fun of me!”

They’re walking home, side by side, and Ash watches Eiji kick and chase a few heavy rocks between his feet. He’s shining brighter than the golden hour surrounding them. Ash squints, the air stings a bit from the salt water. The bridge by their complex is rusty, cold, and Ash stops walking to lean against the railing. 

“That was fucking boring.” He murmurs, watching Eiji stop and turn to stand next to him. 

“School is very fun.” Eiji disagrees, watching the water flow back and forth. It’s quiet. The sand on the shore is stained with the lapping of the waves. Ash squeezes his eyes shut. Pain is temporary. He has to remember that. He must have a bitter look on his face, because Eiji breaks the silence. 

“Are you okay?” 

It’s takes Ash a little off guard. 

“Where’s that coming from?”

“Can’t I just ask?” Eiji hums, like it’s the most casual thing in the world.

Ash pauses, looks up at the sky.

“I am.”

“You do not have to lie.” Eiji murmurs. Ash glares at him.

“Why are you even asking?” 

Eiji frowns softly.

“Because you’re my friend. And I am worried about you.”

“Oh.” There’s a reason for that, Ash thinks. Nobody wants to hang around a liability. He can handle himself just fine.

But when Eiji looks at him, head tilted, open,  _ honest— _

“If you ever want to talk about  _ anything _ , we always can.” Eiji hums, looking out at the water. It laps back and forth, steady and safe. His voice drops, a little quieter. 

“I just wanted to put that out there.”

“Okay.” Ash replies. 

“And that I love you.” 

Ash bites his lip, it’s like Eiji has reached between his ribs and yanked on his heartstrings. He white knuckles the railing, the air knocked out of his lungs. 

“Are you trying to ruin my cool image?” Ash jokes, but Eiji just looks out at the water.

“Aslan.” He murmurs, wind rustling his black mop of hair. “You have a beautiful name.”

“I love you too—“ Ash murmurs, hands shaking 

“and your name. Eiji.”

Ash turns and nods to his friend, a signal for them to continue walking. It’s quiet for a while, minus their footsteps. 

“ _ Eiji.  _ It means peace. And I hope I have grown into it properly.” The black haired boy explains, back broad against the afternoon sky. Something about his profile is enchanting, makes Aslan’s heart beat out of his chest. 

“Oh—oh you definitely have.” Ash blurts out. God—Eiji has no idea. 

Eiji smiles, soft and genuine, puts his hands in his pockets. 

“Thank you.” He replies, bumping his head on Ash’s shoulder. “You flatter me. You will make a good wife.”

There’s his Eiji.

“Did I ever tell you what Eiji means in English?” Ash asks, mischievously.

Eiji pauses.

“it does not mean anything. It is not an English word.” He replies.

“It means ‘jackass’, Eiji.”

“What?!” Eiji actually gasps. “It does not!”

“I’m being completely serious.” Ash puts on his best poker face.

“Ash…. You are joking—and that is not true.”

“I’m not joking. We’ve all been too shy to tell you.”

“Ah—stop this right now!” Eiji whines, pulling at his hair.

“You had to learn eventually.” Ash mutters, shaking his head. 

Eiji flushes, he’s looking more and more convinced by the second.

“You are teasing me. That is what this is. Eiji is not an English word. I would have learned by now.”

“Would you? Because they don’t teach swear words in school.”

Thats the ticket—Eiji looks actually distraught.

“Ah—“ Eiji mumbles, cupping his cheeks “call me Ei-Chan from now on. Okay!?”

Ash feigns his best shocked expression, hand clutching his heart.

“That’s even worse! Watch your mouth!”

“What?! What does it mean?!”

“I can’t even say it….”

Eiji flushes red, and then furrows his brow in anger when Ash bursts into laughter.

“It is not funny! I will take you to Japan, see how you like it!”

“Will you now?”

“Yes. I will take you to Izumo, and you can learn Japanese all on your own. I will laugh at every mistake!”

Eiji’s tone is mad, but he’s laughing too, his face tilted towards the sky.

“I’m looking forward to it.” Ash grins, throwing his arm around Eiji’s shoulder. Eiji turns his head to look at him, and they’re suddenly nose to nose—

Ash flushes, demeanor suddenly shy, and removes his arm, bounces three feet ahead of Eiji.

“Ash! What’s wrong?” Eiji whines, chasing after him.

“We should hurry back.” Ash mumbles, still gathering himself.

“I think you  _ do  _ have a crush on me.” Eiji teases, latching onto Ash’s arm again. “Is that what this is?”

“I don’t!” Ash practically yelps, goddamnit!

“You think I am handsome?”

“No.” Ash huffs, taking his arm away. Eiji whines, swats at him. 

“Besides.” Ash murmurs, finally pulling himself together. “I think it’s the other way around, since you’re always bringing it up.” 

Eiji doesn’t fluster, just stares at Ash thoughtfully, tapping his chin.

“Hmmm…. you  _ are  _ pretty cute.”

Ash can’t form a reply, and he’s red down to his neck. 

“What?” Eiji mumbles, tilting his head. “Was it something I said?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nadia hasn’t been alone with her fiancé in over a month. She works constantly, and being Shorter’s sister-mother is a full time job. Ash is not about to call her down to their apartments for something like this. He isn’t. 
> 
> Yet.
> 
> “Sing—can you get me the broom from the closet?”

“Ash—don’t lie—“

Ash flings the envelope down on the kitchen counter. 

“I failed.” He mumbles. “Surprise surprise.”

“Did you talk to your professor?”

“Yeah. He said if I didn’t want to fail I should’ve showed up to class. Oh well. I don’t care.”

“You should care.” Shorter sighs, flipping through the papers. “You failed— _ two out of four classes?!” _

“Damn? That bad? I didn’t even look at the others.”

“Ash—it’s okay, you can retake during the summer, so you’ll still graduate on time.” Shorter smiles, reassuring. “It happens. It’s no big deal.”

“I’m not worried about retaking anything.”

“Are you really dropping out? Tell me what’s going on, Ash.”

“Maybe I don’t want to scare you.” Ash hums casually. 

“I don’t mind being scared. I don’t.”

Ash sits up. Looks Shorter in the face. He’s pure evil, how easy the words roll off his tongue.

“You’re right. I just need to retake. I’ll feel better in the summer.” He explains, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie.

“Oh—okay. That’s good. Good.” 

Ash is once again, the worst person he knows. 

————

“It’s the last one of the season, and my face is horrible!” Eiji whines, ice pack pressed to his cheek. The bruise is a lot less swollen than it was. But it’s still there. He has the kitchen window open, blowing extra cold air against his face.

“It looks fine, Eiji.” Ash mutters. It doesn’t look fine, but honesty will not help their situation. 

The doorknob rattles a bit, and swings open. 

“You are off early!” Eiji grins, turning his head. “Oh! And Sing is here!”

Sing stands behind Shorter in the doorway silently, bag slung over his shoulder, a little flushed from the cold.

“Nadia’s with Charlie tonight, and he can’t stay on that side of town alone.” Shorter explains, ruffles Sing’s hair. “He gets to have a sleepover with the big boys.”

“I’m fourteen!” Sing cringes, swatting Shorter’s hand away.

“Shit—sorry, sorry.”

Sing sits on the couch, arms crossed, while Shorter kneels down to his ear.  _ “I didn’t mean to embarrass you again—“ _

Sing just makes a shushing motion with his finger, face  _ extra  _ flushed. 

“Ah!” Eiji smiles, claps his hands. “How exciting! That means all of our friends are here!”

It was clearly the right thing to say, because Sing softens, curls his hands on the cushion, peeping over the side. 

“Shorter said—we're going to a game…”

“Yes! I do pole vaulting. I promise it is fun to watch!”

Eiji grins, making Sing smile too. 

The walk to the school is pretty short, and Ash notes how Sing sticks to Eiji’s side like glue the entire time, looking up at him every time he turns away. It makes sense, he’s nervous around them, and Eiji is definitely the safest choice. 

Eiji hops onto the field to stretch, leaving the three boys to walk up and down on the grass until the bleachers open. They always get there early. Sing let’s out a soft puff of air, swinging his arms. 

“Are you tired? I can carry you.” Shorter quips, tilting his head.

“ _ Not where they can see!”  _ Sing flushes, eyes darting back and forth.

“ _ Sorry _ !” Shorter whisper-yells back. 

Ash looks to the sky. He doesn’t believe in the afterlife, but shoots out a message to Griff anyways.

_ I miss you so fucking much, you know that? _

Being the final meet of the semester, it lasts a good three hours. Halfway through, Sing winds up with his head on Shorter’s shoulder. Ash’s heart definitely doesn’t ache. He definitely doesn’t remember what Griffin’s hands felt like against his hair, arm around his back. He definitely doesn’t imagine how warm his brother would feel against the cold. 

_ When I die… _ he wonders,  _ is Michael going to feel like this? _

——

Eiji wipes sweat from his forehead, grinning, and hopping his way down to the bleachers. 

He hops up the steps, jumps into Shorter’s open arms, and squeals when he’s picked up, legs wrapping around the taller boy’s waist. 

“Ah—“ he mumbles to his friends. “I have to stay a teeny bit—talk to coach. Will you wait for me?” 

“I’d love to, but I’m gonna take Sing back—it’s late for him.” Shorter hums, bouncing Eiji a bit. “But Ash can walk you home, I’m sure.” He winks at his friend. 

Ash yawns. He’s exhausted himself. But of course he’ll stay—

“Or—or I can go with Ash… if you want to stay, Shorter.” Sing offers, blinking up at the boys. Ash groans inwardly, he wants to walk home with Eiji, but he’s not about to rip Sing to shreds in front of their friends.

“That’s cool with me.” Ash smiles, even if he’s burning on the inside.  _ I thought you hated me!! _

“Sure. We’ll see you guys there, then.” Shorter grins, throwing up a peace sign.

“Let’s go, yeah?” Ash nods to Sing. 

“Sure..”

The walk is pretty awkward, and Ash isn’t even bad with kids.

“Shorter’s pretty annoying huh?” Ash tries at conversation, grinning down at the younger boy. Sing actually pales, looks up at Ash.

“He is  _ not! _ ”

“Sorry—joking.” Ash cringes. 

“He’s the best.” Sing mutters, kicks a rock between his shoes. 

“He is.” Ash breathes. God. What do they talk about?!

“That was like my fourth sports event,” Ash tries again, tilting his head up. “Don’t tell anyone, but it would’ve been  _ super _ boring if Eiji wasn’t taking part.”

Sing lights up at that, “I have no idea how people can sit through games! They’re so boring!”

“I know right? Maybe it’s my attention span, but geez.” Ash laughs. “Good thing Shorter was there, I would’ve fallen asleep when the band started playing.”

“The introduction was way too long.” Sing nods, pulling his arms around himself, yawning. “It’s fucking cold outside too.” He growls to himself, face scrunched. 

Ash lived on the streets before, so he kind of failed to notice the chill. His older brother instinct flares up, he can hear Griffin chiding him from the afterlife. Shorter’s little cousin is trembling, how could he not notice?! 

“Here.” He mumbles, pulling his jacket up and over his head. Sing immediately looks bewildered, face red, scrambling away from Ash.

“Oh—I’m sorry! You don’t have to—I didn’t mean—“

“Sing. Just take it.” Ash deadpans. God, he’s so  _ weird _ sometimes. Guess growing up with Shorter Wong will do that to you. He practically forces it over his head, and it hangs off his body lightly. Sing must  _ really _ hate wearing it, because he looks like there’s a war going on behind his eyes. 

“Thanks..” 

“Course.”

Ash swings the door open, let’s Sing inside.

Sing takes three steps in, before yelping, stepping backwards into the blonde boy’s chest.

“Ash?!” He gasps, turning and gripping his middle like a lifeline. 

“What? What is it?!” Ash replies, hand on Sing’s head. 

He glances out into the room, it’s dark, but he squints, and it’s immediately obvious what he’s looking at.

“Eiji left the fucking window open.” He mutters, shaking his head. Sing peels himself halfway off of Ash, still gripping his shirt. Ash pats his head comfortingly. 

In the dark, there’s a soft shadow hunched over, a pair of darting eyes flashing back and forth.

“It’s just a raccoon.” Ash sighs. Don’t worry.”

Sing removes himself, but still grips Ash’s sleeve.

“It’s eyes were glowing.” He murmurs. “It—startled me.” He flushes.

“I know. They’re fucking freaky.” Ash says, flicking the lights on. The raccoon crawls back, bumps into the cabinet. 

“Eiji leaves the window open, in New York, while everyones gone, in the  _ middle of the winter—“ _ Ash crosses his arms, looking down at the animal. It’s in the middle of their kitchen, and Ash thanks the universe that they keep their trash can in a cabinet. He got into an open container of crackers though—leaving shit scattered everywhere. One of Eiji’s shoes is in the middle of the living room. There’s a pillow missing. Ash reaches down to touch it, and it scrambles backwards,  _ hissing _ .

“Careful!” Sing gasps, a few feet back. “They’re vicious.”

“What?!” Ash replies, incredulously. “Aren’t they like cats?!”

“But stray cats are vicious too… right?” Sing tries.

“Maybe? The ones I’ve met are friendly though?”

“We have raccoons behind the dumpster at the restaurant, and they try to follow you inside.” Sing shudders, arms wrapped around himself. “They hiss…. and growl. And they’re fast.”

Ash stifles a laugh. Sing is a soldier. 

“How do you guys catch them if they get inside?” Ash asks, head tilted. 

“Nadia has to do it.”

Nadia hasn’t been alone with her fiancé in over a month. She works constantly, and being Shorter’s sister-mother is a full time job. Ash is not about to call her down to their apartments for something like this. He isn’t. 

Yet.

“Sing—can you get me the broom from the closet?”

Sing scrambles to the other side of the room, tosses the handle to Ash.

“Stand back, okay?” Ash mumbles, takes the bristles of the broom, and points it at the animal.

Its hair prickles, and it hisses at him. It’s big, and has a soft fluffy tail. 

Ash creeps forward, tries to scoop it up a bit and toss it through the balcony door, but it doubles back on the broom, bounces off the fridge, and hops onto the countertop. 

“Eeek! Ash!!” 

“It’s fine—it’s fine— Go open the door!”

“What if more come inside?!” Sing gasps, blocking his face with his arms.

“Right—fuck—close the window!”

“Okay!” Sing whines, rushes to slide the window shut and darts back to the balcony, opens the door.

Ash stares at the animal curled on the counter, hissing, his own arms hovering over it, unsure. 

_ Fuck it! _

He lurches forward, picks up the raccoon like a cat.

“Ow! Fuck! Oh my god fuck!”

Ash squeezes the squirming animal in his hands, it’s all nails and claws and teeth, scratching up his arms like crazy. He feels tears prick at the corners of his eyes, out of pure frustration and a little bit of pain. He winces, carrying it with his arms outstretched through the kitchen, and tosses the animal out the door. 

“Are you okay?!” Sing yelps, sliding it shut. Ash is covered in soft scratches, all up his arms.

“Yeah. It’s nothing.” He smiles, weary. Sing takes the broom, sweeps up the mess on the floor while Ash collapses on the couch. Ash feels his chest heave up and down, watches Sing curl up next to him.

“You should go to the doctor….” Sing mumbles, looking down at Ash’s arms and hands. “What if it had rabies?!”

Ash rolls his eyes. “Sing—trust me. I’m not scared of rabies.”  _ It'll take a lot more than that to kill me. _

“Okay—“ Sing mumbles, still unsure. “But—maybe—“

They both turn towards the sound of the door unlocking, soft voices behind the wall.

“Hello!” Eiji calls, smiling from the entrance. Ash gives him the dirtiest look he can muster. 

“You will  _ not  _ believe the  _ ordeal  _ we just went through!” Ash huffs, voice raised. Eiji stretches, walks himself over to the kitchen.

“What happened Ash?” Shorter asks, curiously, following behind Eiji closely.

“Yes Ash.” Eiji smiles, “What happened?”

Ash furrows his brow, he can’t even  _ hide  _ his anger right now! “We walked through the door—“ he starts, pinching his nose. “And you know what we see? Do you want to guess?”

“A raccoon!” Eiji gasps, giddy from the sliding glass door. 

“Wait—“ Ash whips his head around. “How did you know—“

But Eiji isn’t listening, he’s unlatching the lock, and sliding it open. 

“You must be so cold out there! Come in and have some hot water!”

“No—no— _ Eiji—don’t let it in!” _

The animal darts through the opening, and flattens himself like a pancake to hide under the couch.

“Awww! He’s so warm under there.” Eiji coos, sliding the door back to click shut. 

“Anyways—continue Ash! What did you see?”

———

“I have to look like I haven’t failed half my classes, and like I still have a will to live.” Ash groans. It’s the first time he’s taken a shower in—in longer than he would like to admit. His hair is damp, and he’s standing in his bedroom with the only dress shirt he owns around his shoulders.

Shorter has his chin on Ash’s shoulder, tying his tie. 

“And—get the  _ hell  _ off of me!”

“I have to do it from my perspective!”

“It’s been ten mintues—just admit you don’t actually know how—“

“But that means i've  _ wasted  _ ten minutes!”

“I found some that might fit you!” Eiji grins, hopping through the door with two pairs of dress pants. One pair is pink with Eiji’s weird little bird character on the pocket, and the other one is black.

_ I already have an idea of which pair is going to end up fitting me. _ Ash thinks, giving Eiji a dry look. 

“Oh! And I have a clip on!” He smiles, pulling out a tie. Which is also a piece of Nori 2  merchandise. Ash feels his brain break a little.

“Cool. Thanks Eiji.” He sighs, pulling the tie off his shoulders.   
“And Shorter, thanks for wasting my time.” Shorter flops down on the bed with a whine. Idiot. 

“Here—try these ones first.” Eiji smiles, handing him the black pair. “They're longer, and you are taller than me.”

Ash nods, and flushes when he unties his drawstring, not meeting either of his friend’s eyes. He peeps his leg through the first leg, second, and stands back, buttoning them up. 

“Dude—“ Shorter laughs. “It looks like you rolled them up—“

“Shut up!”

Eiji’s waist is also wider than Ash’s, so he has about a hands worth of room on the waistband. 

“I’m not wearing the other ones.” Ash deadpans, flinging his closet open for a belt. So what if they’re a little high water? And a little big? So what? Right?

“It’s not a big deal…” Eiji reassures him. “Max doesn’t even care about that stuff.”

“Maybe Ash just wants to look cute for his daddy daughter date.” Shorter peeps from the bed. Ash rolls his eyes with a grin, while Eiji bursts into laughter.

“Is that what you’re calling it?” Ash huffs, hand in his hair.

“Yes.”

“That’s actually pretty funny. Remind me to text him that.” Ash mutters, buttoning up the rest of his shirt. 

Ash turns towards his mirror, takes the blanket off of it. Don’t ask. It’s perfectly normal to hate your reflection.

“How long will you be?” Eiji hums.

“Just a few hours for dinner. He’s driving back from a job and wants to stop by for a bit.” Ash explains, running a brush through his hair.

“Have you decided on a place yet?” Shorter quips, scrolling through his phone.

“No. I want cake though.” Ash mutters. 

“Well hopefully you can get dessert.” Eiji smiles, clapping his hands lightly. 

Ash turns from his mirror, throws his jacket on. 

“You look so hot!” Shorter whistles. Ash shoots him a dry look.

“Yes Ash! Beautiful!” Eiji cheers. Ash huffs, turns his back to them. 

“Shut up.”

———

Ash meets Max outside the building, hops into the car. 

“You look so handsome Ash! How was your semester?” Max smiles, leaning over to half hug him. 

“It was okay.” Ash mumbles. Why does everyone have something to say about his appearance?! Ash crosses his fingers at the mention of the semester…. Hopefully he can keep the whole— _ failing  _ thing under wraps.   
“It was busy. How are you?”

“Good! Jess and Michael are missing you like crazy, both of them threw a fit that they couldn’t come.”   
Ash smiles absentmindedly. “I miss them too.”

Max looks him up and down, tilting his head. “Are those pants new?”

“Yeah.” Ash mumbles. “My roommate put the other ones in the dryer.”

“How unfortunate.” Max laughs, taps the steering wheel. 

Ash really likes dinner with Max. Which says a lot, because going out to eat makes him a little paranoid. 

“You want shrimp salad?” Max asks, pointing to the menu. Ash nods, pushes his glasses up his nose.

“You want me to order for you?”

Ash nods again. Maybe Max isn’t so bad. 

Except this restaurant doesn’t have dessert. Evidence that the universe hates him.

“Ash…” Max starts, “is there anything you’d like to tell me—maybe about your classes?”

Ash swallows. No fucking way. “No….” He mutters, stares deeply into his water glass. 

“Did you actually fail half of them?” Max sighs, taps the table.

“Maybe.” Ash deadpans. Oh fuck this! If this is Max’s way of kicking him from the family—

“I’m not mad, Ash.” Max interrupts his thoughts. “Jess got your report in the mail and opened it.”

“Thats illegal.” Ash mutters, shaking his head.

“She said you’re welcome to press charges.”

Ash doesn’t reply, just stares down at his lap.

“God Ash—were just worried about you.”

“Can we talk about this later?” Ash mumbles. The possibility of other people hearing him talk about— _ vulnerable  _ stuff—is overwhelming. 

“Why not now?” Max urges. Pushing Ash’s ankle under the table. 

“I don’t want to get upset here. Can we wait—please.” Ash whispers, voice wavering. 

“Shit—of course. Sorry.” 

Max rambles on and on about work—home. Waits for Ash to gather himself a bit.

“How are things with Eiji?”

“Uh—good.” Ash blinks. Pokes at his salad. “Same as last time.”

“You aren’t going to like—ask him  _ out  _ or anything.”

Ash scowls, shoots Max a look. “Like I’d ask  _ you  _ for advice.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Max whines, offended. He leans over, pokes Ash in the cheek.

“Jessica loves me so much, she married me  _ twice! _ ”

“If  _ that’s  _ what makes you feel better.” Ash grins, mischievous.

———

The walk back to the car is quiet, and Ash bristles as the doors shut behind them. 

“So—your classes.” Max hums, pulling out of the parking lot. “What’s going on with that?”

“I failed.”

“I know, you little shit. I want you to tell me  _ why _ .”

“Because I’m fucking stupid.”

“Aslan. Watch it. We don’t talk about ourselves like that, remember?”

Ash doesn’t reply, stares out the window. 

“I don’t know. Why I failed. It’s my first real life class since like third grade. I’m not used to it.” 

Ash pats himself on the back for the incredible excuse. He just has to get the whole suicide thing out of Max’s mind, and he’s good to go.

“Oh—oh Ash.” Max hums, takes Ash’s hand from his lap, holds it. “I didn’t even think of that. I’m sorry. What do you need?”

Ash is going to burn in hell.

“I—I’m doing better, so I think I should be okay, for next time.” He mumbles. His heart all but breaks when Max brushes his thumb over his knuckle, because Ash figures it’ll be the last time. 

Max is warm as always, bright and enthusiastic. Naturally fatherly. It’s comforting, and makes Ash feel young. But not young in the way he’s familiar with.

(Before Max, feeling like a kid and feeling like dying were one and the same)

He loves Max, he really really does. But it’s time. 

He feels like crying—but he won’t. He’s been through worse. And this is a good thing! 

“Hey Max?” He breathes, tone soft.

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to bother with me anymore, okay?” Ash mumbles.   
  


Max snaps to attention right away. 

“What do you mean?”

Ash smiles softly, the expression not quite meeting his eyes. 

“We both know what you’re doing. And you don’t have to do it anymore. I get it.” 

“And what exactly am I doing?” Max mutters, squeezing Ash’s hand. Ash just lets it fall limp. 

“You don’t have to pretend anymore. I’m sure Griffin is thankful to you, and I’m an adult now.” Ash mutters, pulling his hand away.

“Ash—what are you talking about?” Max replies. He seems genuinely confused. 

God. This is harder than Ash thought. 

“I know you took me in because you felt bad for him, and I want you to know that your little thing is over, okay? You don’t have to keep it up anymore. You can focus on your real family now.”

“Aslan….”

“Ah, I wanted to tell you—“ _this is the last time._ Ash thinks. _Just say it._ _This is the last time—and you'll never see him again._

“You gave me—a taste. Of what it’s like to be someone’s son. You know? I thought I was going to die—and never know what it felt like to be someone’s baby. I know its stupid, but it meant a lot to me. I owe you big time for that.”

Ash can’t look at him. It’s painful, he knows this thing they have, playing father son is one sided. He knows it’s like a business transaction. Ash gets his pathetic little fill, and Max quells his guilt. Oh well. He’ll be gone, very very soon. It’ll be over. 

The quiet is eating at him though, kind of annoying. Can’t Max just reply?! Jesus.

Max parks outside the apartment building without saying anything, and Ash’s heartbreak at the silence is unbearable. 

He takes his hand away, unbuckles the seat belt. 

“Okay then. Goodnight, Max. And sorry about everything.” He smiles, eyes trained on his shoes. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay  _ it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay  _

He shakily goes to open the door. 

“Ash—stay in the car.”

“It’s okay—“ Ash shakes his head, goes to leave, standing up.

“Aslan. I’m serious.”  _ He sounds mad— _

Ash feels sick, tries to sit himself back down casually. He’s shaking.

“I don’t even know where to start.” Max begins, leaning forward. 

“But first of all, you are my son. Just as much as Michael is.”

“Don’t.” Ash murmurs. “Don’t say that. It’ll make this harder for me.”

“It’s true, Ash.”

Ash shakes his head. “Are you trying to hurt me?! Knock it off!” 

“I mean it—Oh Ash. God, poor baby. Why didn’t you ever come to me with this? How long have you been thinking that!?”

“Since—I moved in—Because It’s  _ true _ .” Ash shudders, he’s crying now. “I ruined your life—“

“How?! How did you  _ ever _ —“

“Jim was ashamed of me.” Ash laughs, oh god, he looks fucking crazy right now.   
“He wouldn’t even look at me. And you let me into your house—around your family. I know I’ve probably ruined so much—“

Max takes Ash by the shoulders, pulls him into a soft embrace. Ash starts laughing harder, tears streaming down his cheeks, and crumbles in Max’s arms. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts—

“I wish—“ Ash sobs, wriggling in Max’s grasp to hold him tighter. “I wish you were—were my dad—“ 

“I am!” Max interrupts, palm on the back of Ash’s neck. 

“ _ Max— _ “

“You don’t have to call me by my first name, sweetheart.”

“I wish you were my dad—so badly—“

“You have me Ash! I am!”

Ash just cries harder. Squeezes.

“In—in Cape Cod—Jim—my dad— said—he said he hated me—for what I did—“

“You didn’t do anything.” Max reassures him.

“You  _ know  _ I’m on your side. With  _ everything _ Ash.”

“I—I hate myself.” Ash whines. “More than anything. I wish they would’ve just killed me. I deserve it.” He spits out, gritting his teeth. 

He feels Max’s arms tighten around him. He doesn’t care anymore. Ash has nothing left to lose. No feelings left in his body. It doesn’t matter. 

That's what he thinks, numb against Max’s shoulder, until he feels a kiss to the top of his head, soft in his mussed hair. Something wells up inside of him at the action. 

“You know, Ash.” Max starts, hushed tone. “One thing that makes me so mad—is I’d kill to have had you since day one. And so many people just let you down, over and over again. Jim was the luckiest man alive, having you. I will never forgive him for taking that for granted.”

Ash collapses further, like he’s paralyzed. Max holds him up easily, seemingly unbothered by the raw body weight against his chest.

“The second we met, I knew you were my son. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel differently.”

Ash is not someone’s baby. He knows that much. There is not a universe in which Ash holds a spot in someone’s heart. He’s known this since before his eighth birthday. Maybe even before he was born. Maybe on the inside, Ash has always known. 

He’s being held though, and this conversation was nothing like he imagined.

“I’m so sorry, Ash.”

“You didn’t do anything.” He mumbles.

“I should’ve noticed.” Max shakes his head. 

“If you feel like this—you come to me Ash. Doesn’t matter when. I’d do anything for you.”

Ash sniffs, doesn’t reply. He lets Max rub his back. It’s warm, and he feels small. He sits for a few more minutes, eyes shut against his chest, before pulling away.

“I’m gonna—I’m gonna go.” Ash cringes, wipes his face. “Sorry—and thanks.”

“Of course. Text me when you’re going to bed, okay?” 

“Yeah.” Ash breathes, slipping out of the car for the second time that night. 

“I love you Ash. Have a good night, okay?”

A reply gets caught in Ash’s throat, he just nods, and shuts the door.

———

“Fuck!” Ash groans, slams his front door shut. Shorter and Eiji jolt from the kitchen.

“Did it go that badly?” Eiji asks, hands in the air.

Ash turns to his friends, teary.

“It went  _ really good! _ ” 

“How is that a problem?” Eiji mumbles, wringing his hands.

“Maybe he’s being sarcastic….” Shorter offers, nudging Eiji’s elbow.

Ash just throws himself down on the floor, back against carpet. 

“The—the plot of my life? Yeah. It doesn’t make sense anymore!” Ash cries, hands in his hair. He bumps his head against the floor. Once, twice—

“Ash.” Shorter mumbles, “don’t hurt yourself—“

“I’m— _ not! _ ” Ash yelps, kicking a bit. 

Why can’t things just be shitty?! Why does he have to have meaningful realizations when he’s on the brink of finally ending this bullshit?!

Ash kicks his shoes off, and curls on the floor, sniffing. 

“What’s wrong, Ash?” Eiji breathes, kneeling on the floor. 

“The  _ problem _ — is that my dad gives a shit about me—“

“How is that a problem?!”

“I don’t know!!!”

Ash turns on his stomach, face buried in the carpet. 

Pounds his fists like a toddler. 

“You’re gonna be  _ so  _ embarrassed about this later, Ash.” Shorter sighs, drying a bowl, before putting it away. “Maybe go punch a pillow or something.”

Ash groans, before laying flat again, perfectly still. He breathes a little heavy for a second, catching up on his air intake. 

“There there—“ Eiji smiles, petting Ash’s back. “Tell us what happened.”

Ash lifts his head up a bit, peeping out from where they’re buried in his arms, just as the oven beeps.

“What’s the timer for?” He winces at the noise, practically crawling on all fours in the living room. 

“Ah—“ Eiji starts, smiling. “We made you a cake—remember, this morning you said? Ah—don’t be upset Ash! We’re sorry!”

Ash stands up, wobbly, and backs Eiji into the kitchen. Him and Shorter seem to be bracing themselves, which they should, because he’s absolutely pissed. His eyes narrowed, he can look like a fucking demon when he feels like it. He steps forward, grabs each of them by their shirts, so close they’re almost nose to nose. Eiji is pale, and even Shorter is wincing a bit. 

“You—are the  _ only _ —the  _ only  _ good things that have  _ ever _ happened to me. In my  _ entire  _ life.  _ Okay _ ?” 

Ash huffs, white knuckling his friend’s collars. They don’t say anything back, just stare at him all blank. 

“Okay?” He repeats, shaking them a bit. 

“O-okay.” Eiji mumbles. 

“Kay.” Shorter winces.

Ash puts them down, grabs an oven mitt from the drawer by the stove. 

“Marble is so good. Thank you.” He mumbles, flinging the pan up and out of the heat. 

Ash knows it isn’t true. That despite everything, he does have an abundance of good things in his life. Good people. His family, people he’s lost, even.

But in the moment, he meant it more than anything.

“Have some with me.” He demands, pulling out a knife.

“I’m okay—“ Shorter mumbles, until Ash shoots him an icy look.

“Have. Some. With. Me.”

“S-sure.”

Eiji smiles, exasperated, grabs a stack of paper plates from the pantry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii:) hope you are all doing well and wonderful. Love you 5 ever


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let’s say—hypothetically—I have certain issues . That would complicate a romantic relationship.” Ash starts, side eyeing Shorter.
> 
> “Okay? And what are those issues?”
> 
> “I don’t actually have them, I’m perfect. This is purely hypothetical. But for the sake of conversation let’s say I didn’t have the best childhood.” 
> 
> “I’m listening.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEAVY TW FOR THIS CHAPTER!!!  
> Suicide note excerpt in 1st paragraph.
> 
> Graphic discussion of sexual abuse/discussion of consent and sex throughout.

_I was the one who couldn’t help myself, and if anything, the majority of people in my life right now kept me here longer._

_This is the worst thing I have ever done, and I’m not asking for forgiveness._

It’s not good. But it’ll work. Only a page long too. And everyone gets a nice little mention. It’s terrible, he knows. He knows.

—————

Ash is leaned over the kitchen counter, using the coffee pot to make tea, when there’s a knock on his door so loud the walls practically rattle. 

“ASH!” _Eiji?!_

Ash shuts off the pot, rushing to the door.

“Is everything okay?!” He yelps, bracing himself against the wall.

Eiji pounds harder, sounds like he’s going to break it down.

“I need your help! Now! Now!” Eiji huffs, when Ash swings it open, he looks upset. Black hair disheveled, and he’s wearing shorts and a pajama shirt despite the snow outside. 

“What happened?!” Ash gasps, going into panic mode, eyes darting around the landing. Eiji bursts into a pout, grabbing Ash’s hand. 

“I can’t believe my horrible luck Ash! My heart is pounding!”

“What are you talking about?!” Ash huffs, following Eiji out the door, and into his own room across the hall.   
His house is quiet, and Ash can spot buddy hiding behind the couch, whimpering. Eiji makes a shushing gesture with his finger, guiding Ash to his laundry room.

“What is it?!” Ash whispers, clutching Eiji’s hand. Eiji furrows his brow, fearfully, before creaking the door open.

“You see it, don’t you?” Eiji whines, palm pressed against the tile. Ash peeps his own head through the door, right on top of Eiji’s.

“You mean the rat?!”

“I need you to get it out.” Eiji explains.

“What? Eiji, why can’t you do it?!”

Eiji scoots back, flushing, hands clasped to his chest. 

“I-I tried! But—he’s creepy.”

“Can’t you wait for Ibe to get home?”

“What if he crawls into my room?!”

“Just call an exterminator. The campus will pay for it, or have your dog eat it or some shit.”

“Buddy is scared of it too! And I can’t! I don’t want it to die!”

Ash stands up, _fuming._

“I am _done_. Dealing with you, and your little animals.”

“Ash!” Eiji wails, helplessly.

“Go live in the forest, since you wanna turn this shithole into a zoo so badly.”

“I don’t do it on purpose Ash! The raccoon was a mistake!” Eiji whines, burying his face in his hands.

“Eiji—“

“I wish I never found him! Now my day is horrible because of this!” Eiji wails, nose poked up towards the ceiling. 

“Sometimes I think you create your own problems.” Ash mutters, shaking his head.

The rat is brown and fat. He has big, black eyes, and long whiskers. Ash scowls at it. 

“Please just get him out.” Eiji mumbles, shaking his head.

“Outside?”

“No. It’s freezing. Put him in the vent so he goes to my neighbors.”

“Eiji—this is crazy.”

“Let’s just set him free in the building. It’ll be our secret.” Eiji smiles, clapping his hands together. 

Ash just puts his head in his hands, pinches his nose. 

——

“Augh!! Ash—keep away!”

“This was your idea!”

“He’s freaky!”

Ash looks down into the little corner the rat came from.

“Didn’t we used to have mouse traps here?!”

Eiji flushes, scratches his cheek.

“Ah—I wonder what happened to them….”

“Eiji—if you single handedly cause an _infestation_ in our building—I’m actually going to cut you out of my life.”

“Ash! No!” Eiji wails, cupping his face. “Don’t make me put them back!”

The rat turns in Ash’s grasp, escaping from under his thumb, and hopping down onto the carpet below, right at Eiji’s feet. Eiji squeaks, hops over it, and into Aslan’s arms, knocking them both down and onto the floor.

“Ah!” Eiji whines, burying his face into Ash’s neck. “Don’t let it touch me!” 

“Eiji—“ Ash whines, but watches as the rat hobbles into the vent. Ash sits up a bit, slides it shut with his fingertips.

_That was easier than last time._

Eiji peeps his head up, resting it between his arms on Ash’s chest.

“Thanks!” He smiles, as if nothing happened.

“Yeah.” Ash huffs. “Any fucking time!”

Eiji bursts into laughter, face in Ash’s chest, and spreads out his arms.

“We should always be together.” He smiles, panting.

“Yeah?”

“You make everything fun.”

“Really?” _I definitely make everything miserable._

“Really.”

——-

They’re talking in the kitchen, bumping each other, when Eiji’s slightly-wet hand reaches up, and cups his face.

“Ash—remember how I said, that we should always be together.”

“Y-yeah?”

“Well, I am thinking that again. You make even washing dishes great!” Eiji grins, and their faces are close—and Ash’s heart is pounding—and did Eiji always have little freckles under his eyes? 

“Oh-yeah—you too.” Ash blurts out, quick and breathless, before rushing to put the bowl in his hand away. He’s trembling with nerves, Eiji is really cute. And his mouth was dangerously close—and— Ash shakes his head. How embarrassing. 

Shorter stares at him from where he’s sitting on the counter, and Ash flushes harder. 

——

“If this happens one more time and I’m quitting. Hold me to that.” Shorter sighs, pulling off his shirt in exchange for the hoodie on their living room floor.

“You finally reach your threshold for having shit thrown at you?” Ash laughs, leg swung over the armrest.

“Yes. Yes I have.” 

“You’re gonna leave Nadia all alone like that?”

“Don’t make this harder for me!” Shorter whines, face in his palms.

“Your poor sister—“ Ash grins, teasingly. Shorter smiles back.

“Well, it’s not like I’m much help around there anyways.”

“You make her laugh.”

“That I do.”

Ash smiles, taps the cushion, points at the hoodie. “Is that Eiji’s?”

“It is, actually.” Shorter grins mischievously, before hopping to sit next to Ash. 

“ _Speaking_ of our dear darling Eiji Okumura—“

“What?”

The couch shifts, as Shorter swings his legs onto Ash’s lap. “We are going to talk about earlier.”

“What about earlier?” Ash replies, face already blotching up. “Is something wrong?”

“You know Eiji clearly likes you, right?” Shorter grins, pokes his finger between Ash’s eyebrows. Ash swats his hand away, and crosses his arms. “He doesn’t.”

“He does.”

“He doesn’t.”

”He does.”

“He doesn’t!”

“He _literally_ tried to kiss you!”

Ash pales, his face flushing.

“He did?”

“He put his hand on your face—and said—“

“Don’t repeat it!” Ash squeals, swatting Shorter’s arm. 

“So are you going to—do anything about it?”

“What—what would I do?”

Shorter sighs. “Ask him out? Get the ball rolling? Book a wedding venue?”

“I—I don’t know.” Ash mumbles, scratching his cheek. He traces Shorter’s ankle lightly. 

“What? Are you scared of commitment or something?”

“No—it’s—it’s hard to explain.” Ash mutters, shakes his head. 

“Just try.”

Ash huffs, his head laid back against the cushion. 

Here we go.

“Let’s say—hypothetically—I have certain _issues_. That would complicate a romantic relationship.” Ash starts, side eyeing Shorter.

“Okay? And what are those issues?”

“I don’t actually have them, I’m perfect. This is purely hypothetical. But for the sake of conversation let’s say I didn’t have the best childhood.” 

“I’m listening.”

“Let’s say—that I am incredibly irreversibly damaged, and Eiji is not. Is it still okay for me to pursue this?” 

Ash asks, feels Shorter shift a little. 

“Well—Ash, you’re worthy of love no matter what happened to you as a kid.”

Ash bites his lip, glances around the living room.

“Am—am I really though?”

Shorter shifts again, getting off of Ash to sit straight. Ash wordlessly scoots over, and tucks himself against his friend’s side. Shorter curls his arm around the blonde’s waist comfortingly. Ash sighs against him, legs pulled underneath himself. 

“If someone said something to you as a kid—or hurt you, to make you feel that way, it’s on them, not you, Ash.”

Ash just pauses, shuts his eyes. Do normal friends talk about this? Shorter is kind of Ash’s… _first_ friend, so like—is this socially appropriate? Is this an okay topic?

“Shorter—I don’t know if this is like—way too personal or not—so if it is—literally pretend I never said it.”

“Ash—I can promise you—it’s not going to be too personal.”

Ash sighs.

“I’ve had sex. A lot. And I don’t think Eiji has, and something about that bothers me.”

Shorter actually turns to Ash, a little surprised.

“Really?”

“What?”

“ _You’ve had sex?”_

Ash flushes, crosses his arms.

“Yeah?”

Shorter blinks, but squeezes his side.

“No. Sorry.” He replies, shakes his head.

“I’m just surprised is all.”

“Surprised?”

“Well—you’re kind of shy about that stuff. And just—kind of shy in general. And how you said you never had friends before us? Or dated? There’s nothing wrong with you doing any of that—I just didn’t really expect it.”

He…. has a point. Ash _is_ shy. And he _is_ shy about ‘that stuff.’ Maybe not— _shy_. But he definitely avoids it. 

“Sorry.” Shorter continues, smiles at Ash. “I ignored the last part of that. You know your sex life doesn’t matter right?”

“I feel like—I can’t give him any of my firsts.”

“But it’s your first time with Eiji. That's pretty special.”

“He might think it’s gross—so many people—you know—here before him.”

Shorter pinches Ash’s side, huffing.

“Do you think it's gross that I’ve messed around?”

“No! Of course not—I mean—you do that stuff because you _want_ to.“ Ash mumbles, looking back down at his clenched hands. 

Shorter blinks, before sitting closer, their legs pressed. 

“So we’re talking about, if someone, _didn’t_ want to.”

“Yeah.” Ash breathes.

“So, rape then.”

“Not that—like—I don’t know how to put it. It’s where one person doesn’t want to but still does it—and—“

“So, rape.”

“No—like—“

“Nonconsensual sex.” Shorter deadpans. Ash furrows his brow.

“Ugh.” Ash sighs, buries his face in his hands. “Not that. It’s hard to explain.”

Shorter gives him a dry look.

“Well—that’s not sex, Ash. That's one of the worst things you can do to someone.”

“Maybe.” Ash mumbles. His head is tilted as far away from the other boy as possible. 

“Ash—we should look at each other—while we talk about this.” Shorter murmurs, lightly tapping Ash’s arm.

Ash doesn’t say anything, but he turns a bit, and his eyes flicker between Shorter’s gaze and his hands in his lap. He’s incredibly tense—stiff with a guarded expression. 

“Shorter—can I tell you—about something?”

“Anything.” 

Ash pauses. Where do you begin? Do you use clinical, legal terms? Or your own vocabulary? Is it okay if he goes into detail? Or is that gross? 

“It’s uh—hard to talk about. Isn’t it?” Shorter murmurs, putting a palm between Ash’s shoulder blades. 

“Kinda.”

“You can tell me if that happened to you. I already know that it’s not your fault.” Shorter offers, following the ridges of Ash’s spine.

“Would you be mad—if it _was_ my fault?” Ash asks, biting his lip. 

“How would it be your fault, sweetheart?”

Ash swallows. “Would you be mad?”

“Nothing you say is gonna make me mad right now.”

Oh.

“My dad—not Max—my other dad— he said it was my fault.” Ash explains. His voice is a little small and taught, but overall steady. 

“So this was before you started staying with them?” Shorter asks, tapping his pointer finger gently against Ash’s lower back. 

Ash nods. 

“So—you were what? Under fifteen? Am I right?”

“I was eight—the first time.”

Shorter shuts his eyes for a second, and takes Ash’s hand from his lap. It’s limp and clammy, but Shorter holds it anyways. 

“Wasn’t your fault, Ash.” Ash catches the waver in his voice.

“My dad— he found out. And he made me keep going back. Like, for money.” Ash mumbles, his voice is trembling a little. Shorter doesn’t answer, so he continues.

“What I’m saying is—is that maybe Eiji can do better than—something that’s been used—over and over.“

“You aren’t a _thing_ , Ash.” Shorter soothes, rests his head on Ash’s shoulder. “And it doesn’t reflect on you—someone _hurt_ you.”

“Is it bad that I wanted it?” Ash mumbles. Eyes empty. Emotionless.

“You didn’t want it. You had no clue what was happening to you.”

“I did. I would seduce them.”

“Ash, you did _not_ seduce them. You were a _baby_.” 

“I did— my dad— my dad and the police said—it was my idea—“

Shorter whips his head up, eyes wide.

“The police said that shit to you?!”

“Yeah— they also made me. Um—“ Ash pauses, the words getting caught in his throat. Shorter squeezes their hands together, and Ash leans into it. 

“Did they touch you too? You can tell me.” 

“No.” Ash replies, voice _tiny_. “They made me watch these videos I was in.” 

A few stray tears slip down his cheeks at the memory. 

He watches the horror on Shorter’s face as the implications dawn on him, and feels a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders.

“It was—horrible—“ he confesses, voice cracking. 

“Shhh…. I have you….”

“I remember when it happened, I—“ Ash's voice drops, as he hugs back. “I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted someone to just— _help_ and everyone _hated_ me so much. I’m scared—that Max is going to wake up one day and realize—what I am, that you won’t want to be friends— that— that Eiji will think I’m too fucked up and—I was scared you wouldn’t forgive me, and I’d be alone _again_. I’m sorry—“ Ash pushes out.

Shorter pulls him closer, hand in Ash’s hair.

“Forgive you?! Ash— _Ash_ , you have _nothing_ to be sorry for. Do you understand? You didn’t do anything!”

“When I— when I talked with them they would laugh at me— and in the videos they’re laughing at me—“ Ash whispers, numbly. When was the last time he talked about this? Max knew, but he didn’t hear it from Ash. His therapist talked to him with vague, nondescript expressions. Has he _ever_ just— _said_ what he went through back then? 

“Fuck, _oh_ Ash. Oh my god—I’m so sorry.” Ash tilts his head forward, face pressed against Shorter’s chest. He can hear his racing heartbeat. 

“I thought—uh—they'd help me—and make it stop—“ Ash chokes out, between quick, shallow breaths.

“They were _supposed_ to help you!”

“I thought—maybe they didn’t help—because it was my fault—“

“It wasn't. And your dad should’ve advocated for you. God Ash, he should’ve _killed_ anyone who even _looked_ at you like that.”

Ash whimpers, soaking in everything Shorter’s saying. His thoughts are frantic, words pouring out before his brain can approve them.

“You still like me—right _?_ ” 

“Of course baby, _of course_.”

“You don’t think I’m— I’m a bad person?”

“No, never!” Shorter is squeezing him—so much he feels breathless—but it’s not enough. He wants to be buried beneath this warmth now and forever.

Ash inhales sharply. 

“I was so _scared!_ I ran away—when I was older—before Max and—it just happened again and again and again—cause I got caught up in some bad stuff—and—and I _let_ it.”

There’s a pause. Ash knows this part of his—his _history_ —is a little harder to verbalize. It’s more painful, too. He feels Shorter’s chest rise and fall as he takes in a breath.

“You were barely a teenager. You still didn’t have a choice.” Shorter hums, rubbing his back—his hair.

“But—I knew—“

“Ash. Listen to me—no, no. Look at me-“

Ash lifts his head, Shorter cradling his jaw. 

“Even if you _literally_ asked for it. _Verbally_ asked for it, it’s still not your fault. You were a _kid._ You weren’t supposed to deal with any of that.”

Ash ducks his head down, curls under Shorter’s chin. He feels small.

“I wanted it to stop.” He whispers, voice small, high.

“I know, I know.”

“I wanted to die I hated it so much—“

“I believe you.”

“Eiji—he wouldn’t even look at me—if—he knew—”

“What makes you say that?”

Ash cringes, vulnerable. 

“I don’t know—I’m just so worried…”

“You don’t have to be.” Shorter murmurs, cradling Ash’s head in his hands. He smells like smoke, like the restaurant, and like Ash, since they’re always together. 

———  
  


“Maybe tell your dad about it?”

”See—I don’t know if that would help. It’s over and done with.” Ash explains, voice filling the kitchen.

”I think it’s less about that and more about having like—the support of your parent. Or like—sorting through your feelings towards it.”

Ash picks up the rubber spatula again, lifts and flips the eggs in the pan.

”I told Eiji a little bit—a while ago. When the lights went out? I wanted to tell him more but kind of pussied out.”

”If you’re comfortable talking about it with him—I think it would be a good idea.” Shorter hums, hand in his hair. “I mean—I know it has to be scary. Especially with how things went the last time you opened up about it—but you know he’d do anything for you.”

“Okay. Yeah.” Ash hums. The pan sizzles. It’s nice talking about his life so casually. Like he isn’t disgusting, or deeply shamed. Like it’s something he can maybe learn to live with.

Like it wasn’t his fault.

———

Ash starts the text—deletes it—starts it again. Starts over. Turns his phone off—turns it on. Opens Max’s conversation again. Starts.   
He reads it over, hands shaking. Is this too formal? Maybe. It’s just Max, right? Max said Ash was his son? And Max loves him?

Ash squeezes his eyes shut, hits send.

_ There are lots of things that happened to me before we met that I would like to talk about.  _

_ It takes me forever to say out loud. I thought this would be easier.  _

_ a friend told me I was taken advantage of, but I will always think what happened is my fault. It hurts me the most. I hope you can understand what I mean. I am trying really hard right now.  _

_ I could barely even write out the words. It’s so painful, Max.  _

_ My father was ashamed of me. I don’t want you to hate me too _ . 

Ash shuts his phone off, stares at the ceiling. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash laughs a bit. “Like—when I was thirteen? I dunno. Before shit went down for real.”
> 
> Eiji frowns. His own eyes red. The trials and tribulations of being a sympathetic crier. 
> 
> “I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory party scene! It’s a university au!  
> Tw for discussion of sexual abuse, mentions of death.

Max replies, but Ash can’t bring himself to look at it yet. It stays like a brick in his pocket. Something he can’t read. Yet. Something he can’t read for now. 

———

“I’m such a fucking whore!—oops. Not funny. Sorry.”

Shorter bumps his cheek against Ash’s shoulder.

“It’s not true, either.”

“Ah—promise?” Ash cringes, looking away.

“I promise.”

“Okay. Cool. Which lights should we put up?”

Life is significantly easier now that Shorter knows Ash’s history. Ash doesn’t really have to pay attention to the shit that comes out of his mouth, for better or worse. It’s kind of nice though, how he can acknowledge this… _ piece  _ of his past—and Shorter still looks him in the eye. Even if that means getting frustrated and referring to himself as a stupid slut in the kitchen—it’s nice to have someone casually retort it.

“Are you done with your shopping yet?” Shorter hums, tacking one of the strings onto the wall. It’s too cold to decorate outside.

“I finished most of it in November. Because I’m efficient.”  _ And I wanted to make wiggle room for my suicide attempt.  _

“Don't rub it in.” Shorter sighs, rubs his neck. “Who do you have left?”

“Eiji, Max.” Ash pauses. “Max is easy but I don’t know what to get Eiji.”

“Eiji is super easy to shop for.”

“What did you get him?”

“Some clothes with that ugly little bird on it. A stuffed animal.” Shorter pauses, grins mischievously.

“You know what we should do for him?”

Ash laughs. “Enlighten me.”

“Throw away that pink jacket.”

Ash throws his head back. “Don’t forget the matching sunglasses.”

There’s a soft click from the front door, speak of the devil.

“Hi guys!” Eiji smiles, toeing his shoes off at the entrance. “Are we finally decorating?!”

“We were just talking about you!” Shorter grins.

“Oh? What did you say?” Eiji tilts his head, curiously.

Ash laughs. “We were talking about that one outfit—the pink jacket with—“

Eiji immediately flushes, stomps his foot down. 

“Ah—that is embarrassing you know! I do not wear that anymore!”

“I liked it!” Shorter laughs. 

“No you didn’t! You make fun behind my back!” Eiji whines, crossing his arms. He pulls Ash’s scarf off the coat rack.

“We have to leave soon, let’s forget this conversation!”

“This is going to be the worst night of my life.” Ash deadpans, leaning down so Eiji can wind the fabric around his neck.

“It is because you have a horrible attitude!” Eiji smiles, hand on his hip. “It is my first American party! I am looking forward!”

“It’ll be disappointing, and a nightmare, and-“

“Eiji’s right, it’s all in the attitude!” Shorter replies, rounding the corner. “Now, let’s go yeah?”

“Yes!” Eiji squeals, pulling his sneakers back on, bouncing out the door.

“I hate how you take off your shoes just to walk three feet inside—“

——

Ash is here for two reasons, one, it’s his first (and probably) only college party, so he  _ has  _ to go for the sake of himself. (His deathbed is barreling towards him like a train, he deserves a few corny life experiences)

And the second reason being Eiji’s look of pure wonder at the prospect of being invited.

“Do you even know anyone here?” Ash asks, guiding Eiji down the hall of the apartment. Eiji turns and smiles.

“Ah—only Cain, and Alex? Kind of? But—I love to make friends—“ 

Ash already knows this is going to go down in flames.

——

They’re sitting in a circle in the living room, Shorter’s legs thrown over a high top chair, very clearly eyeing the bar. 

“You want some?” Alex grins, nudging his shoulder. 

“I have work in the morning. You have no idea how hard it is to say no.” He whines, head in his hands. Eiji plops down on the couch, between Cain and Ash. 

“Eiji—do you want some?” Alex quips, glancing over.

“Ah—no—I am not of age!” Eiji flushes, waving his hands in front of his face. 

“Yeah. None of us are.”

Eiji gasps, before glancing over at Ash, “Are you going to drink?”

“No. I hate being drunk.” Ash rolls his eyes. He also hates being drugged. And small. And numb, and pressed beneath—

Knock it off. 

There’s a sea of people weaving in and out of the house, up and down the halls. It’s crowded, but not too bad. There isn’t that much alcohol, just cups, juices, a gallon of vodka on the counter. Ash swings his legs a bit, Eiji’s head on his shoulder. This isn’t so bad.

“Well—look who it is.” 

Ash whips around at the voice, eyes widening.

“Arthur!” Eiji grins nervously, but waves. “Hello!”

Arthur gives a predatory smile, before walking up to Eiji. 

“This your girlfriend?” He mutters, eyes set on Ash.

“Ash is a boy!” Eiji smiles, a little confused. “He said you guys met!”

“Yeah. We  _ met. _ ” Arthur glares, rounding the couch. 

Eiji laughs nervously, as Arthur sits on the table directly in front of Ash, and stares at him, licks his lips.

“Booo!” Shorter calls from the counter. “Creepy!”

“What? Are you jealous? Think I’m gonna steal him from you?” Arthur retorts, eyes trained uncomfortably on the other blonde.

“No, I think Ash is gonna steal  _ you  _ from me. Come over here and look at me like that, baby.”

“Yeah?” Arthur smiles, eyes burning holes into Ash’s head. 

“You’re totally my type. I love how you look like you’re in your forties.” 

Eiji and Cain turn to each other, both stifling laughter.

“I’m just gonna say it.” Cain huffs, turning to Arthur.

“Why did you show up? Besides Eiji,  _ everyone _ has a problem with you.”

Eiji grabs Cain by the arm. “No! I have a problem with him too! He hit me, remember?!”

“Not even  _ Eiji _ likes you. Dude….”

Arthur grins,  _ still _ predatory, and stands, turning to leave.

“He’s gonna go cry in the bathroom.” Shorter sighs, shaking his head. Arthur just shoots him a look, one that should be worrying, before slipping into the kitchen. 

“You know him?” Cain asks, nodding at Shorter.

“Yeah.” Shorter grins. “Me and Ash beat the shit out of him.”

The girl sitting next to Shorter, someone Ash doesn’t know, laughs and claps. “Good!”

“Yeah? You like?”

Oh god. Not this.

Eiji is showing Cain something on his phone. Ash watches a couple kiss in the corner. The girls skirt lifts a bit, and Ash subconsciously closes his own legs. 

_ What is wrong with me? _

He can hear the girl laughing, which makes sense, because Shorter is really funny, and—god—this is overwhelming. Ash feels hot, and a little prickly. He doesn’t know ninety percent of the people here—curse his shyness and bad attendance. He feels a hand on his shoulder—but not one  _ he recognizes and turns and— _

“What? You don’t like being touched or something?”

Ash swallows, Arthur is digging his nails into his shoulder.

“Ah—let’s not do this—“ Eiji turns, gently pries Arthur’s grip from Ash’s shoulder. “It is not polite to grab people.”

Arthur ignores Eiji completely, kneels down to look at Ash.

“What? Does that bother you?”

Ash swallows, feels a little shaky. He doesn’t like where this is going at all.

Cain sighs. “Arthur—cut it out. I don’t see why you have to make shit weird for everyone.”

Arthur just grins. “I just call it like I see it. I mean, why does it bother you so much, Ash?”

“What is wrong with you?” Eiji scowls, hands on Ash’s shoulders, protectively. “You are such a  _ bitch!” _

“Woah! I didn’t know you could swear!”

“Well, I can, and you are a  _ motherfucker _ , and leave Ash alone!”

Ash almost laughs at Eiji’s outburst, but takes the chance to shoot Shorter a desperate look from across the room. Shorter stands from where he’s straddling the island chair, claps his hands together. 

“I’m done here.” He sighs. “Ash, walk me home?”

Ash nods gratefully, moving to get up, but Arthur pushes down on his shoulder, again. 

“Why bring Ash? You can handle yourself  _ just  _ fine.” Arthur laughs, as if to say  _ I would know. _

Shorter just shakes his head.

“Ash—Ash has to take me home!”

“Why?” Arthur presses.

“Because—because I’m drunk!” 

“You literally said you weren’t drinking tonight. You made a point of it.”

Shorter blinks, once, twice.

“You are on my last fucking nerve.” He deadpans, before grabbing the bottle of vodka from the marble countertop by the neck, twisting off the cap, and pointing the bottom straight at the ceiling _. _

“ _ Shorter?!?” _ Ash gasps, face going white as a sheet—

“What the  _ fuck _ is wrong with you?!” Arthur mutters, incredulous, as Shorter drinks and drinks and drinks and—slams it down on the counter, groaning, coughing, before lifting it, and pointing the bottom towards the ceiling,  _ again _ . 

“Something is _so_ wrong with you!” Alex yelps, rounding the couch to take the bottle.

“Go Shorter!” Eiji smiles, pumping his fist.  _ Read the fucking room! _

Shorter whines, puts it down again, before wobbling a bit. “Fuck that  _ burns _ .”

“It’s fifty percent!” Alex shakes his head, wide eyed. “You need to lay down—or go home— _ fuck _ Shorter—you can get  _ poisoning  _ from that!”

Shorter just grins, looks at Arthur. “Are you done now? Does my roommate finally have your permission to leave?”

Eiji rushes to his side, braces him. 

“There is poison in there?!” He gasps, glaring at Alex. “I thought we were friends!”

“No you fucking idiot!  _ Alcohol  _ poisoning!” Arthur replies. Ash’s hand is permanently glued to his mouth—

“How much did he drink?!” Alex starts, looking at the bottle. “ _ Shorter— _ you put a fucking  _ dent _ in this thing—“

“Shit. Sorry.” Shorter stirs, arms around Eiji’s shoulders. Arthur puts his head in his hands.

“Are you always embarrassing yourself?!”

Shorter buries his head in Eiji’s neck, but throws Arthur a peace sign.

“Of course I am. Consistency is the key to success.” 

Eiji rocks him a bit, nuzzling his cheek. “Ash, let’s leave now.” 

Ash goes to stand, but Arthur blocks his way,  _ again.  _

“Eiji has it handled.” 

Eiji shoots Arthur a glare— _ pissed.  _

“Can you just be nice?!”

“I just don’t see why he’s so desperate to leave.” Arthur laughs. 

“He  _ has  _ to leave Arthur!” Eiji retorts, scowling.

“And why is that?” Arthur hums, eyebrow raised.

“Because—because I’m drunk too!” Eiji cries, before grabbing the bottle off of the counter.

“ _ Eiji—“ _

———

“Come on—good job—we have to get you inside before it’s all up in your system—“ Ash breathes, Eiji is pressed tightly against his back, legs wrapped around his torso. 

“This is not in my system?” Eiji whines, almost pained.

“No—it takes like—twenty minutes. But it’s your first time drinking so—“

“Can you carry me too?” Shorter interrupts, practically  _ crawling  _ up the stairs.

“No—“ Ash deadpans, staring straight ahead. “I’m fucking mad at you.”

“Ashhh—“ Shorter groans, dragging himself up the landing. “I think I’m gonna throw up—“

“Don’t you  _ fucking  _ dare.”

“Ashhh—“

Ash maneuvers Eiji so he can reach into his pocket and dig out his keys. He swings the door open, half with his arm, half with Eiji’s body, and steps inside.

“Get. your. ass. in. here.” He demands, slamming his keys on the counter. Shorter groans,  _ again, _ and crawls into the house, before curling up under the shoe rack like a cat. 

Ash slips Eiji down, so he can sit on the couch, but Eiji just giggles and clings to his back. 

“Get. Off.”

“Eeep!—“

“Oh my fucking god.”

“<I caught you!>”

“English, Eiji.”

“No—or I will tell all my secrets...”

“Get  _ off  _ of me.”

Eiji laughs, before flinging himself backwards onto the couch, and Ash flops down next to him. Eiji looks up at him wide eyed—and scoots closer, until their sides are flush, and Ash comfortingly takes his hand.

“Ash—ah! We are holding hands—Shorter—Ash is holding my hand!”

Shorter whistles from across the room. “Lemme see—“ 

Eiji holds up their hands, “Look! Look!”

Shorter gasps, “Put your—put your fingers together—like this—“ he explains, twining his own hands together. “Like—like waffle style.”

Eiji furrows his brow, and nods. “Ah—like this?” 

“Yeah—like that!” 

“I wish Ash was my boyfriend!” 

Ash feels his face  _ flame _ . No fucking way.

“Ah—look! We are holding hands all the way now! Do you think Ash likes me?!” 

Shorter rolls around on the ground, and  _ squeals _ .

“Don’t ask me that!”

“It’s okay!” Eiji smiles, “I keep secrets so good!”

Ash’s face heats up, panic setting in. “Ah—talk about something else! You fucking weirdos!”

It’s quiet for a beat, before Shorter peeps from his spot on the floor.

“Eiji—do you wanna hear—a funny story?”

“Yes! Tell me!”

Shorter giggles behind his hand, flushes. 

“It’s dirty…..”

Eiji gasps, eyes widening. “No  _ way! _ Tell me!”

Shorter opens his mouth, shuts it, then laughs. 

“When I first met Ash—I had this— _ this Christmas card— _ and— _ ahhhhh!”  _ He yelps, kicking his legs.

“I can’t say it with him looking at me!”

“Nooo!” Eiji whines, hopping on Ash’s lap to cover his eyes. “Tell me—he isn’t looking anymore—tell me!”

“You weren’t afraid of saying that shit  _ sober!” _ Ash huffs, crossing his arms. 

“I—Eiji—c’mere, I’ll whisper it—“

“I  _ literally _ already know— you fucking idiot!” Ash retorts as Eiji clambers off his lap, and stumbles to the floor next to Shorter. He leans in against Eiji’s cheek, and whispers into his ear. Eiji’s face  _ flames,  _ and he  _ bursts _ into laughter. 

“Wait—Shorter—I have—I have a good story—like that!” Eiji gasps, face still flushed.

“No fucking way—tell me!”

Ash actually leans in to listen, this  _ has  _ to be good.

“I—I—“ Eiji covers his face with his hands, grinning, but eyes darting around shyly.

“I watched— _ something— _ on the computer—and —and—noooo! I can’t even say!” Eiji laughs, flinging himself into Shorter’s arms. Shorter catches him, and they roll around laughing. Ash groans, rubs his temples. 

“Can we  _ please  _ go to bed.  _ Please?” _

“Eep!” Eiji yelps, Shorter’s hands slipped against his back. “Cold!” He sits up, straddling Shorter’s lap, before pouncing on him like a cat, knocking him to the ground. 

“Oh my god—“ Ash cries, palms pressed to his eyelids. “Both of you—please—it’s one in the goddamn morning—“

“Ashhh—“ Eiji whines, pinning Shorter to the ground. “Can you make me a water?”

Ash gets up, fucking exhausted, and walks to the kitchen. He gets Eiji tap, no ice, because Eiji is being a little shit right now, and rounds back into the living room. Through the doorway of the kitchen, Ash can hear Eiji  _ sobbing _ .

“What?! What happened?!”

“Ash— _ Ash!” _ Eiji whines, rubbing his eyes. Shorter is curled on the floor next to him, laughing.

“What did you do to him?!” Ash yelps, grabbing Shorter’s face in his hands. Shorter is lost in his hysterics, it’s apparently too funny for him to care.

“Ash—Shorter—he said—he said he called the police on me—for having a drink before twenty-one—and—“ Eiji gasps for air, hiccups, “and—I can’t go to jail in—in  _ America— _ “ 

Ash kneels down, pulls Eiji to his chest. 

“Shorter’s too stupid to remember the emergency number, honey. He’s just messing with you.”

“He—he is?”

“Of course he is. Now  _ you _ are going to bed.” Ash huffs, helping Eiji hold the glass of water. It sloshes a bit, and Eiji laughs.

“You think that’s funny?” Ash smiles.

“Yes.” Eiji grins, goes to take a sip, but snorts

“Just drink it Eiji!”

“I  _ can’t!” _ Eiji laughs, rolling onto his back.

Ash smiles—fondly despite everything, 

“Eiji, drink this so you can go to bed—“

“Okay—“ Eiji giggles, eyes sparkling. Shorter wraps his arms around Ash’s shoulders.

“Nope. Not you. This is all your fault.”

“Ash—be nice to me!”

“This is your fault. You’re an alcoholic and a shitshow and you’re corrupting Eiji.”

Shorter whines, knocks his head against Ash’s back. 

“You’re supposed to love me.”

“I hate you.”

Ash feels Eiji slump against him, listens to Shorter’s quiet laughter against the carpet.

_ I couldn’t hate you if I tried. _

————

“I feel fine?” Eiji quips, rubbing his temples. “Maybe a little tired, but I do not have to be sick.”

“You had a lot less than he did.” Ash explains, brushing Shorter’s hair back. “And he  _ refused  _ to drink water last night.”

“Sorry, Ash.” Shorter whines, curled on the bathroom floor. “What did I do?”

“You aren’t allowed at Alex’s for a while.” Ash mumbles, rubbing his back. “And you called Nadia.”

“Of course I did.”

“She says you have to go to work.”

“Of course I do.”

“She told you that you have holes in your brain, and talk too much.”

“I know.”

—————

  
Ash is laying on his bed reading, when he gets the call. The number is unknown, and it’s not from a New York area code, so he’s about to decline—but he takes it.

For some strange, unknown reason, he takes it.

“Hello?”

“Ah—is this Aslan?”

“Yeah? And this is—?”

“It’s Jennifer, honey. How are you?”

Ash feels his stomach drop, feels deeply, deeply sick.

“I’m—I’m fine? Um—why? Are you calling, I mean?”  _ How did you get my number?! _

There’s a pause on the line.

“Aslan, your father passed a few days ago. I’d like it if you could come down to the house, get anything you’d like to keep.”

“What?”

“I’m really sorry, Ash.”

Ash breathes, pulls his knees to his chest.

“What happened?”

“He had a heart attack, at the house.” Jennifer explains, tone soft.

Ash doesn’t reply, so she continues.

“You should come down, I know there are some pictures of you and Griff you might want.”

“Kay.”

“Ash—“

“I have to go now. Thank you for letting me know.”

Ash ends the call before she can reply.

  
Ash feels his head swimming, overwhelmed, he shuts his eyes, but there’s a memory of himself, Cape Cod, pushed on his back on a dirty mattress. The focus is on his hair, splayed out, arms held up above his head, face scrunched, juncture between his neck and shoulder blurring in Ash’s vision. He feels a little dizzy, white noise replacing his soft cries for help. The memory isn’t real anymore, but his body is, and there’s a knee between his legs, and Ash subconsciously crosses his in real time. The point of view switches, heavy breathing, stuck between the pillow and bedside table like a narrow alleyway. He must feel so little, and his gaze must be shifting desperately to the corner of the room—

Ash snaps his eyes open, frozen. Nobody’s here. 

His heart is pounding. It’s been maybe an hour, maybe a couple days, when Ash sits up, slowly, and takes his phone from next to him. 

He trembles the entire walk to the bathroom, and the door clicks shut behind him. 

Back pressed against the wall in the dark, Ash taps the screen, presses the call button. 

His reflection is unrecognizable, and it frightens him. Where is the light switch again? Ash is scared to touch it. Ash is really scared of the bathroom, all of a sudden. He wants to put a big sticker over the mirror—stop it.

Imagine that—not being able to even look at  _ yourself _ . His heavy breathing echoes in the small space. Isn’t it funny? How he’s the one who loses his mind over what happened? How Jim died easily, and lived painlessly with the knowledge of what he  _ didn’t  _ do? How for the long list of nameless faces—Ash was just another late night, and to Ash, their bodies are burned into the backs of his eyes? 

That's so funny. Ash is laughing. Really hard. He’s sliding down the wall to curl up on the bathroom floor. Losing his shit. The ring reverberates throughout the small space, while anxiety burns in his stomach. Once, twice—

“Hi Ash!” Eiji sings, a smile clear in his voice. 

“Eiji?” Ash gasps, clutching his chest.  _ It hurts _ —

“Are you okay?!” Eiji replies, voice soft. Comforting. Hold me. 

“Can you come over? Please?” Ash mumbles, It’s horrible.  _ How did I get here again? _

“Yes. Always. Ah—I’m walking over now. Did something happen?”

“ _ Yeah—yeah— _ “

The front door clicks open, and Ash drops his phone. The bathroom is black with the door shut, and he waits a few minutes, before there’s a soft tapping at the door. “Ash?”

“Eiji—“

“I’m going to come in, okay?” Eiji almost whispers, pulls at the doorknob. Ash tenses up, fearfully. 

A sliver of light peeks through the gap as Eiji slips through the entrance. 

Don’t—don’t turn the light on—“ Ash whines, reaching out to his friend in the dark. 

“Why not?”

Ash feels his thoughts getting less and less coherent—it’s like his own brain is slipping away from him.

“I don’t want—I don’t want anyone to see me.”

“It’s just me, Ash.”

“But I’m in here too.” Ash replies. 

Eiji shakes his head. “Oh—Aslan…” 

“I can’t do this—“ 

Eiji kneels down, shutting the door behind him, but just slightly, so Ash can make out his shape. “You  _ are  _ doing it. You’re doing good, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know—I don’t—“ 

Eiji shakes his head, puts his hands on Ash’s shoulders.  _ Touching me touching me touching me _

“You are okay—hey Ash, I need you to breathe. Can you breathe?”

“Help me—help me do it—make me do it—“

“I’ll help you—here—copy me, in, and out. See? There you are.” Eiji smiles, hand pressed to Ash’s chest. Ash scrubs his eyes, let’s out a sob.

“I’m sorry! I’m—I’m just confused—and—I—“

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Eiji soothes, rubbing his back. There’s a beat of silence, Ash’s labored panting steadying. 

“Let’s get up—okay?”

“Yeah—yeah—“ Ash nods, wincing. 

Eiji leans down, hooks an arm under Ash’s knees, and another behind his back. Ash flings his arms around his shoulders, burying his face in his neck. 

He feels them moving, walking through the house. Eiji turns, and Ash stiffens.

“Are you mad?” Ash whispers.

“What?! Ash, no. No. Never.” Eiji replies, squeezes him tightly. Ash sighs in relief. 

Eiji puts him down on the bed, and gently wraps a blanket around his shoulders. Ash curls up, hides underneath it. 

“Would if help if I called your mom or dad?” Eiji smiles, but he looks upset—and he’s shaking a little.

“When I was little—my mom died.” Ash tries to explain. His head feels like honey—sloshed up.

Eiji sits next to him, speaking slowly.

“I’m talking about Jessica.”

Ash shakes his head, reaches for Eiji—Eiji’s hands, his shoulders, his sides—anything anything anything—

“Here—we can hug.” Eiji whispers, sits next to him. Ash crawls into his lap, like a wounded animal, Eiji’s the only thing keeping him from slipping through the floor. 

“ _ Don’t leave me—“ _

“Shhh….. sweetheart. I have you. Your heart is pounding, Ash. Do not be afraid, I am not going anywhere.”

Eiji rocks him, thumbing his shoulder, soft, tender. Taking all of Ash’s weight like it’s easy. Like he can. Like Ash isn’t too heavy. 

Eiji kisses the top of his head, once, twice. 

“Can you speak?” 

“Maybe.” Ash croaks, sniffing. 

“Take as much time as you need.”

Ash sniffs again, arms around Eiji like a baby. 

“What happened, Ash?” Eiji mumbles, cheek against his hair.

“I told you—how someone—hurt me—“

Eiji stills, before squeezing Ash against his chest. Ash feels his heart pounding. Please don’t go.

“I think—why didn’t someone make it stop? Did I do something?” Ash continues, sick to his core.

Eiji strokes his back, his hair, his shoulders.

“ _ Oh—Ash _ , you didn’t do anything. You did not do anything to warrant that pain.”

Ash sobs, again and again and again, shaking in his arms. 

“It happened—a lot—I don’t even know how many times—“ he hiccups, gasping out for air. He looks up with trepidation. Eiji has his brow furrowed, gazing out into the room. A few tears slip past his dark eyelashes, patting down onto Ash’s collar.

“I’m so sorry. That was frightening for you, yes?” Eiji trembles, teary eyed. He’s gripping Ash’s arm in a vice. 

“Yeah—I—I still feel scared.” Ash sobs, his face is blotchy, and he buries it close into Eiji’s shirt. 

“Shhh….. sweetheart. I love you so much, you know that?” Eiji rocks him, kisses the top of his head. Ash can hear the waver in his voice, the way his teeth are beginning to chatter. 

“I—I was really little, Eiji—I was younger—than Michael—“

“You were a child. Someone should have helped you.”

“I—I—my dad—he made me go back—and—when I needed money—I just—had sex with them.”

“Oh, you did not have sex with anyone, those men violated your body. You did not do anything.” Eiji corrects him, squeezes him tight. “My Ash.”

Ash sniffs, curls closer. 

“My baseball coach raped me—that was who.”

Eiji tenses, impossibly so, let’s out a teary squeak, hiccup. 

“You must have trusted him so much. I’m so—so sorry.”

“My dad said I did it on purpose, and the police said I did it too—and everyone there hates me. Because of what I did.” Ash murmurs, feels cold sweat down his back.

“I do not understand why, because you did not  _ do  _ anything. Your dad, his job is to keep you safe. He should have made it stop the moment you came to him. I am so sorry.”

“I was a prostitute.”

“You were not in charge of what happened to you. It was not a job.”

Eiji is hugging him properly, Ash piled completely onto his lap. Eiji’s eyes are squeezed shut, and he’s biting his trembling lip. 

Ash shudders, sits up, putting a bit of space between them. He wipes his eyes, gathers himself. 

“My stepmom called me—and my dad died.”

“What?!” 

“My stepmom called to tell me today—I—“

“Shhh….. it’s okay. It’s okay.” Eiji soothes, kisses his head. How many times has he done that?

Ash doesn’t say anything, so Eiji squeezes his arm. “I’m very sorry, for your loss.”

Ash sighs, flings himself backwards to stare at the ceiling.

“He didn’t like me, Eiji. I thought one day he would like me.”

Eiji seems speechless, sniffs, and lays on his back, so that their shoulders are pressing.

“Someone like that—a monster Ash. I know it is painful, because he is your father, but anyone who would treat a child that way—I do not think it matters—his opinion on you.”

“I don’t know.” Ash groans. His head hurts. At least this meltdown was somewhat warranted. 

“But I do.” Eiji hums, hands on his stomach. “When did you last see him? Your dad?”

Ash laughs a bit. “Like—when I was thirteen? I dunno. Before shit went down for real.”

Eiji frowns. His own eyes red. The trials and tribulations of being a sympathetic crier. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Why? Did you kill my dad?” Ash grins, but Eiji just swats him. 

“Do not joke. We are being serious.” 

Ash furrows his brow, squeezes his eyes shut.

“ _ God fucking— damnnit!”  _ His arms pressed tight against his forehead.

Eiji slips their fingers together. It is what it is.

————

Shorter and Eiji are locked away in the kitchen, making Ash dinner, which is actually code for discussing him behind his back.

Ash is about to call Max, break the news, when he accidentally opens their last conversation, reading his message.

_ I will always see you as my son, no matter what you tell me. Don’t be afraid to say anything, Ash. _

_ (You type the way you speak. I read your messages in your voice :))❤️ _

“Hey, dad.” Ash breathes, sitting up straight against the headboard. 

“Hey Ash! How are you?” 

_ Just be blunt about it _

“Good, except Jim died. Can I borrow some money? I need a plane ticket. I have shit there.”

There’s a beat, and a gasp.

“Ash?! Are you okay?”

“I said I’m good. I just need to get some stuff.” Ash pauses. “Jen called. That’s how I know.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling fine.” Ash rolls his eyes, how many times does he have to say it?! “I’m going to try and catch a flight down there before Christmas. It’s less expensive before the holidays, and she texted me that she’s gonna end up losing the house—so I wanna hurry.”

“I’ll come with you. When are you leaving?”

Ash pauses.

“You don’t have to do that. I was wondering if you could just loan me for this weekend. That’s all I need.”

“I’ll take you. You shouldn’t go back there by yourself.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Actually I do. Since I’m like, your father and all.”

Ash sighs, scratches his cheek. “Fine. Just let me know.”

“I’ll figure it out, okay? Can you send me Jen’s number?” 

Ash shares the new contact, before sliding out of bed, walking to the kitchen.

————

“There’s our boy!” Shorter grins, a little too enthusiastic. Ash’s face is red, blotchy. He rubs his eyes.

“I brought home dumplings, all for you Ash!”

Ash slides down to sit, tucks his legs underneath himself.

“Damn. My dad should die everyday. This is great.”

“Ah-“ Eiji interrupts, placing a bowl in front of Ash.

“We made you shrimp, as well! Now you can have both! Eat, eat!”

“Thank you.” Ash sniffs, taking a sip of water. He looks up at his friends.

“Why are you staring at me?”

“Just thinking about how happy I am that you’re here.” Shorter smiles, but it looks painful. 

“I’m glad someone’s happy about it. Because I’m not.” Ash deadpans, pokes at the bowl. 

Shorter slides to sit next to him, takes off his glasses to hook them on his shirt.

“Ash—me and Eiji were talking—“

“About me? About how I’m a crazy stupid slut with—“

“Ash!” Shorter and Eiji both interrupt in unison, expression soft despite the tone.

“Oops. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Eiji huffs, pets Ash’s hair back. “Shorter was saying, we talked, and if you decide to go back to California, we will like to come along.”

Oh. He wasn’t expecting that.

“Really?”

“Of course, Ash.” Shorter murmurs, head tilted. 

“I can’t afford that many tickets. But thank you.” Ash smiles, scratches his cheek.

“We can pay for our own.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You never asked.” 

“I seriously can’t ask you to do that.”

“Are you really gonna rob Eiji of his chance to see Cali?” Shorter jokes, swings his legs onto Ash’s lap from under the table.

“Yes!” Eiji laughs. “I am living like a true American!”

Ash leans back, looks up at the ceiling. 

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

Eiji softens, open, honest.

”You are not the one asking. It’s us, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!!   
> Here are some changes I have made!!  
> I realized that I put the wrong start date in the first chapter, because this is a really long work, and now that I’m actually editing it, posting it, and reading it back, I realize that the time is super weird and squishy, so I switched the start date from December 14th to December 1st :) it doesn’t matter too much, because I write like the days blend together, but it was starting to bother me hehe... oops! I know I said I was gonna get all of this out super fast but editing the later chapters takes longer since they’re wayyyyy lesss coherent than when I started. If you saw the Google doc I am pulling this stuff from you would scream. It is nothing short of a nightmare.  
> On this chapter: my favorite arc to read/write about is the roadtrip arc! This is not a roadtrip, but going to Ash’s childhood home with people he loves is so cathartic to me. The next upcoming chapter was my favorite to write. It’s where things start getting a lot happier.  
> Also! I had to include an obligatory party scene! This is a university au..... I hope you laughed!
> 
> ! I love you!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He has a well.” Shorter whispers. “And there’s a gallon of antifreeze under your sink.”
> 
> “That means a lot to me—that really does. Like I’ll never forget that. But we really shouldn’t add murder to the list of crimes were commiting tonight.”
> 
> “Just wanted you to have the option.”
> 
> “And I appreciate that.”

“On my way to America—the plane takes off, and I got scared of—of the—turbulence? So I reach to grab my arm rest—but—ah—the stranger next to me—I grabbed their thigh instead—super hard—and I had to—sit with him for the rest of the ride—“

Eiji flushes, staring out the window, Ash  _ bursts  _ into laughter.

“ _ I’m sorry?!” _

Eiji grins, red faced.

“That’s so embarrassing, yes?”

“What? Are you gonna grope me when we take off?”

Eiji smiles, mischievous. “Just giving you a warning.”

Ash, for better or worse, is seated three rows down from Max and Shorter. He normally wouldn’t let the two of them within a mile of each other, but Shorter could use a positive male role model in his life. If anything this is for Nadia. And also Shorter’s face when Max ruffled his hair on the way to the airport made Ash want to die a little. 

There seems to be a drought for father figures these days.

Ash is pulled from his thoughts by a grip on his arm. He flushes at Eiji’s soft touch, the sparkle in his gaze. 

“Hey Ash—I spy with my little eye, something—“

Yeah, Ash should’ve made them stay home. 

————

“Aww. You had a restaurant too?” Shorter smiles, trailing behind Ash. The diner is empty, and clearly rundown. 

“Kinda.” Ash murmurs, the bell chiming softly as he opens the front door. 

“That’s so cool. What are the chances, right?”

The inside is dusty, and the floor creaks beneath Ash’s light step. 

“Right.”

Stepping foot into the diner, Ash feels a little dizzy. He puts his arm out, blocking Max by his chest.

“Hey—stay out here. Okay?” 

“You sure?” 

Ash nods, shoots Eiji and Shorter a look. Let’s the door close behind him.

He heads straight to the back, knocks on the wall by the employee door. Walking through it like he owns the place feels like a surrender. This isn’t home to him.

“Coming!” Jennifer’s voice rings out, soft, a little pitchy. “I need the keys.”

“Oh—okay.” She murmurs, a little taken aback. She looks like she wants to reach out—touch him maybe—talk to him. It makes Ash want to laugh.

_ It’s a little late for that, isn’t it? _

She slips around the counter, and rifles through the first drawer. The key ring is a rusty silver, unused. It’s been a while. 

“Ash—“ she starts, dropping them into his open palm.

“How have you been? What have you been up to?”

“My dad died. But other than that I’m alright.” Ash laughs, closes his fist around the metal. 

“Thanks, have a good one.” He mumbles, turning on his heel. Jen reaches out, taps his shoulder, and he visibly stiffens.

“Ash _ —wait— _ “

“Yeah?” He startles, brushing her hand off.

Jennifer flushes, hooks a tuft of hair behind her ear. 

“I’m really, really sorry.” She blurts out, hands in front of her, defensively.

“About what?” 

“Everything that happened—I, I know I didn’t—I know I didn’t do enough. Sometimes I wonder—if I failed you. And I’m sorry.”

Ash blinks, speechless.

“Ah—I—I wish I could’ve done more—at least—at least  _ held _ you, but—but I was so scared, you know?”

Ash stares, blankly.

“Hmm. You poor thing, you must’ve been  _ terrified.” _

“Ash—“ 

“I hope you aren’t traumatized. After going through all that.” Ash sighs, tosses the keys up and down, catching them rhythmically.

Jennifer shakes her head, hand clutched to her chest. 

“Can I hug you?”

Ash smiles, a little crumpled.

“Why don’t you ask one of my friends outside? I hate being touched.”

“Ash—“

“I’m kinda in a hurry. Being here fucks with my head, you know? Thanks for calling me down.”

The steps creak underneath him, and a soft puff of dust shoots from the doorway when Ash shuts it, hopping down to the grass below. 

“You okay?” Max mumbles, puts a hand on his back. Ash subconsciously dodges it, avoids eye contact with the three of them at all costs. Guilt, anger, pure fucking sadness slosh around in his head. He knows it wasn’t Jennifer’s fault. And maybe it wasn’t her responsibility to help him—but it was? It’s confusing. Ash doesn’t know the answer. All he knows is if he saw an eight year old look the way he did—he'd take him and run. No matter what.

The trail down to the house is pretty long, and they end up cutting through a smaller neighborhood. Big plots of farmland. Houses acres away from each other, sparse woods between. It reminds Ash of Halloween.

Shorter nudges him. “Do you know anyone who lives here?” 

Ash just laughs, juts his thumb backwards to gesture at a house a few treks back.

“That’s the cop who called me a movie star. Think we should drop by? Ask if he recognizes me?”

Shorter doesn’t reply, and Ash feels a little sick.

——

“This is where me and Griff lived. He took care of me.” Ash explains, unlocking the door. He expects it to be more dramatic, his first step inside, he expects to have a visceral reaction, to panic, to cry, to feel his brain split into pieces. 

But he walks through the doorway, comes out the other side (unfortunately) alive and well.

“Everything we don’t take is getting thrown out. The only thing I’m looking to keep is any pictures or letters.” Ash directs, gesturing to the inside of the house. Shorter kneels down, starts rifling through a pile of boxes. Ash turns to Max. 

“You can go through whatever. I don’t care. If you see something of mine ask before you touch it.”

Max nods, and Ash hops down the hallway to his old bedroom.

  
His childhood bed looks so tiny. That’s all he can think. Of how small it is. Eiji comes up behind him, hand on his elbow.

“You okay?”

Ash just stares. Not sad, just empty.

“Feels like a crime scene, doesn’t it?”

A look of horror falls over Eiji’s face. “In—in  _ here?! _ ”

Ash laughs, shakes his head. “No. Nothing happened in  _ here. _ You wanna know where it happened?”

Eiji furrows his brow, tilts his head curiously.

“Right. Here.” Ash grins, pointing to himself. “All of it.”

“Ash, you are not a crime scene!”

Eiji always knows what to say.

“God.” Ash sighs, hand brushing over his baby-sized desk. “This is just fucking sad.” 

He reaches into one of the drawers, glances at the sheet of paper inside. It’s an old assignment, a shitty portrait of Ash and Griff on the cover. A little get to know you book, captioned in crayon. Ash grins, flips it open, turns to Eiji.

“Hey—get this.” Ash starts, looking down to read the page, squinting to translate his kid handwriting. 

“Three things I’m afraid of are: pumpkins, baseball, and Griffin not coming home.” He recites. Eiji looks down, eyes trained on his shoes.

“Uh oh.” Ash laughs, shuts the packet. “Who’s gonna tell him?”

Eiji looks like he’s on the verge of tears, frowning, hands clasped. 

“I know you are laughing because it is hard—“

“I’m laughing because it’s really really funny.”

“Ash—“

“Holy shit!” Ash gasps, smile widening. He looks down at the back page of the paper, flips it to Eiji. 

“ _ Dude— _ I think I drew someone raping me—“

“Ash—this is terrible.” Eiji whispers, shaking his head at the picture.

“Damn! My teacher didn’t give a  _ fuck!” _

“I don’t think it’s good for you—to look at those.”

Ash laughs again, shoves the paper back in his desk. 

“Here—“ he hums, turning towards his closet, reaching to the back. He emerges with a little yellow packet, opens it. 

“These are all the letters I kept.” Ash explains, rifling through the folder. He smiles gently, Griffin’s little poems on torn paper, old pen. Good things. He tosses it to Eiji. 

“Don’t lose it.”

Eiji gives him a solid look, nods.

“I promise.”

“Cool.” Ash smiles, nods to the door. “Let’s go.”

Eiji pauses, touches his elbow.

“You do not have any toys you would like to take? Maybe a baby blanket?”

Ash clears his throat. “I stopped playing after—you know. And—I don’t have a blanket like that.”

“Do you want one? A baby blanket?” Eiji hums, tilting his head. 

“Not particularly?”

Eiji scrunches his nose. “Nevermind. That is not important. We can just share mine.” He explains, leading Ash out the door. “You can just forget about this forever.”

“Okay. Weirdo.”

They round their way back to the living room, small and cramped. Max is sitting on the ground by a box, slicing it open with his house keys.

“Ash—can I take some of these for Michael?” He grins, gesturing to the pile of clothes peeking out behind cardboard. Ash softens, and nods. 

“I’ll pick.” He mumbles, knocking Max’s hands out of the way. He pulls out a little plaid longsleeve, tosses it to the side. 

“Not this one. Or this one. This one is fine. He can have this—Don’t—don’t touch this one—“

Evening falls pretty quickly, basks the house in a soft blue, right when golden hour ends. 

“Eiji—come look!” Shorter laughs, rifling through a stack of frames from the bottom of a desk drawer. 

“What is it?! Oh my gosh!”

Ash cringes. Not sure how he feels about them looking at those. 

Eiji squeezes one of the frames. “He looks just like his big brother.”

Ash swallows the lump in his throat. “We have different moms.”

“Still.” Shorter argues. “You look a lot alike. I bet you have the same mannerisms and shit that he did.”

“They’re exactly the same.” Max interrupts, squeezes Ash’s shoulder. “Griff was really shy, and corny as hell. Ash just hides it better.”

“Really?” Eiji laughs, head tilted back.

“Give it a few years and Ash is gonna start writing poetry too.”

Ash doesn’t reply, just flushes and thinks back to the organized little stanzas in the back of his English notebook. Reminds himself to  _ never _ let Max see that shit.

Griffin’s room is pretty empty, but Ash grabs a few shirts from his drawers. They smell like dust, like old wood, and Ash is almost a little embarrassed for trying. Wouldn’t hurt to wear them, though. Or maybe it would. 

“It feels weird being here.” Max smiles from the doorway. “I feel like I know your brother so much better now.”

“He was a really, really good person.” Ash breathes, squeezes the folded pile of clothing to his chest.

“I figured. Since he raised you.”

“Don’t.” 

“He'd be really proud of you, Ash. You were all he talked about.”

“Nah.” Ash grins, shakes his head. “He’d be ashamed.”

“Ash—“

“Cmon Max. Let’s get out of this shithole.” He interrupts, slipping through the doorway. Ash stuffs his things into his bag, slings it over his shoulder. 

“Eiji—Shorter. We’re leaving.”

“To hotel?” Eiji quips, tilting his head.

“Not yet.” Ash smiles, soft. “I wanna show you something.”

————

“There are sharks at night!” Shorter calls, and Eiji comically  _ freezes _ feet away from the ocean.

“Seriously?!” He yelps, backing up from the shore.

Ash laughs, shakes his head. “It’s safe to put your feet in, Eiji. They won’t grow legs.”

Eiji hesitates, jeans rolled up to his ankles. Max gently presses between his shoulder blades, guides him to the water. 

“You’re from Izumo, yeah? You grow up by the ocean?”

Eiji lights up, nods fervently. “Yes! I would swim all the time. Me and my sister. Ah—it’s so cold!” Eiji yelps, gripping Max’s hands.

“Is the water warm over there?”

“Sometimes. Not cold like this. And there are sea creatures on the sand.”

“There’s too many tourists around here for that. Sometimes you can find crabs, though.”

Shorter pats Ash’s shoulder, grinning.

“Quick question.”

Ash tilts his head. “Yeah?”

“Do you wanna disappear for an hour?”

Ash turns to Max and Eiji, talking, soft laughter traveling over the water in the dark. 

Ash raises an eyebrow. “You want a tour or something?”

Shorter looks at him, smile holding steady. 

“Something like that.”

—————

“This our guy?”

Ash feels his breath get caught in his throat. “Why—why are we—?“

“Good.” Shorter grins, before drop kicking the trash can to spill out onto the street. Ash grabs his hand.

“What are we doing here?”

“I stole a bottle of bleach from your house. I’m putting it in his gas tank.”

“He’s gonna know it’s me—“

“Ash. He’s a cop. Random acts of violence could mean  _ anything _ .” Shorter pauses, slides his glasses down his nose. “This fucker has a  _ really  _ nice car.”

“I know.” Ash breathes, still squeezing Shorter’s hand. He’s guided up the driveway, heart pounding. It’s super steep because of the land it’s built on, the car parked on a steady incline. Ash watches Shorter twist off the gas cap.

“This shit is gonna be crazy expensive to fix.” He explains over the soft splashing. “If he drives with it in here long enough—it’ll catch on fire.”

“Really?” Ash mumbles, gaze wide. 

“Really.” Shorter grins, but wavers. “I’m sorry. I wish I could do more. But I’m pretty sure this guy has a gun.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’m tempted to burn his house down. Too bad TSA took my lighter.”

“You’d start a wildfire. We’re in California.”

“He has a well.” Shorter whispers. “And there’s a gallon of antifreeze under your sink.”

“That means a lot to me—that really does. Like I’ll never forget that. But we really shouldn’t add murder to the list of crimes were commiting tonight.”

“Just wanted you to have the option.”

“And I appreciate that.”

“And I appreciate you.”

Ash doesn’t reply, just watches Shorter put the empty container away in his backpack. Shut the lid on the tank.

He turns away, but pauses, looking down towards the window. 

“Fucking idiot left it unlocked.” He grins, swinging the door open.

“What are you doing?” Ash starts, curiously. Shorter turns his head, pulling his hoodie sleeve over his hands. 

“What did he call you again?”

Ash looks down at his shoes, reaches up to the back of his neck.

“A movie star.”

“Right.” Shorter guns. “Stand back.” 

Ash blinks, before taking a few steps away. Shorter keeps his heel planted on the dirt, and releases the parking brake.

“Shit—“ Ash gasps, watching it roll steadily down, down, down—

Shorter grabs his hand, again, and drags him across the lot, cutting through the trees and slipping into the sparse woods. 

“We have to go before he hears—“ Shorter explains, but is interrupted by the telltale sound of a car alarm going off. Ash grins, ecstatic, and holds back laughter as he tilts his head towards the sky. The air feels cold and fluffy through his hair, and something deep in his heart shifts. Fuck Cape Cod.

“You feel good baby boy?” Shorter laughs, squeezing his knuckles. Ash nods, adrenaline coursing through his veins.

“Good. That’s all that matters.”

—————

“Where did you guys go?” Max smiles, Eiji following behind him like a puppy. 

Ash pulls open the passenger door to the rental car from where it’s parked on the beach’s lot.

“Just talked.” He replies, sliding in. Eiji leans forward.

“I am happy you talked. Are you feeling good?”

Ash turns to the backseat, Eiji wrapped up in Shorter’s hoodie despite already having one on. 

“I’m feeling good.” He breathes, and it’s true.

“Good.” Eiji gleams, sparkle in his eye. “I saw a worm.”

“Did you eat it?”

Eiji scrunches his nose. “Of course not!”

“But you’re a bird!” 

“I am not!”

“It’s why your brain is so little.”  _ And why you’re so pretty to look at. _

Eiji crosses his arms, pouting. Max starts the car, starts pulling out. 

“Be nice to Eiji. He’s a sweetheart.”

“See Ash? Listen to your dad.” Eiji hums, smug. 

Ash sighs, leans back in his seat. 

“And sit up right goddamnit!” Max huffs, swatting the back of his head.

“This is why I wanted to come here alone!”

“Whatever you say, Ash.”

————

“You can share with Eiji.” Shorter grins, raises his eyebrows. 

“Yeah? And you’ll just casually sleep with my father?”

Shorter winks. “Hey—all I’m sayin is—“

“Nope. We’re stopping that bit right here. Because it starts out as one of your little jokes, and then next thing I know you’re flirting with my dad.”

“Ugh. Tough crowd.” Shorter whines, leaning on Ash’s shoulder. He takes his backpack into the other motel room, separated by a door. Eiji and Max come in from the hallway, following behind. 

“Be quiet.” Ash chides, leaning on the doorway. “It’s late, and I want to go to bed  _ now.” _

“You got it boss.” Shorter sighs. “Can I have my goodnight kiss?” 

Max and Eiji laugh, while Ash slams the door shut.

“I was kidding!”

“Go. To. Sleep.”

Ash crosses the room and locks the deadbolt. He glances to the desk in the corner, and back at the door.

“You can put the chair under the handle. I’m not looking.”

Ash huffs, glares at Max from the corner of his eye, and drags the chair to the doorway.

“You doing okay?”

“Why do you keep asking me that?!” Ash huffs, almost angry. 

“Because I’m waiting for you to tell me the truth.” Ash groans. He  _ is _ telling the truth. 

“I'm doing fine.”

“I thought you’d start crying.” Max states, and Ash turns away from him.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I just thought you would.” Max replies, as if it’s the simplest statement in the world. 

“Would  _ you _ start crying?” Ash retorts, his tone accusatory. 

“Yeah.” Max deadpans. 

Ash rolls his eyes, before curling under the covers. 

“Do you want the light on or off?” Max asks from the middle of the room. 

“Off. Why the fuck would I want it on?” Ash hisses, brow furrowed. 

“Geez. Someone’s feeling sensitive.” Max replies, and it pisses Ash off even more.

“Shut up and drop it.”

  
————

Memories of Cape Cod suddenly fresh, Ash jolts awake, cold sweat, breathing heavy.

“Shhh Aslan.”

“Max?!” Ash whines, swatting around in the dark. 

“Right here-“ Max murmurs, hands on his shoulders. Ash’s eyes widen, teary, as Max guides him back down. 

“Sorry.” He murmurs, covers his face with his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” 

He’s stroking Ash’s hair back, tender. “What are you thinking, Ash?”

“I hate being here.” Ash blurts out. “I can’t even—I can’t even remember the good things—with Griff—and it makes me so sad—like—the good times don’t even matter, and my whole childhood is just—shadowed by—all this—all this—“

“Oh, oh Ash, but you  _ do  _ remember the good things. That’s why you came here—so you could get Griff’s stuff.” 

“It hurts—sometimes I miss—I miss my dad—“ Ash sobs, a little shameful. Because Max does  _ everything  _ for him, and loves him like Jim never could, and here Ash is, crying to him about missing the man who sat back and watched Ash’s life burst into flames. 

But Max just gives him a soft look. 

“Of course you do. No matter how he’s hurt you—it’s  _ so  _ normal to miss him. And grieve him.”

Ash feels his teeth chatter, breath hitching again. 

“I don’t know what’s—what’s wrong with me—I—I cut him out, completely—and then lose my shit when he dies—I  _ asked  _ for this—I wanted him to—“

Max squeezes his hand, kisses his knuckle.

“Kids are  _ programmed _ to love their parents. Even if they shouldn't. It’s why Jim should’ve been extra gentle with you. And Ash—it sounds fucked up, but  _ everyone _ wishes death upon people sometimes— _ especially  _ when you’re a kid, and when you’re hurt.” Max pauses, swipes a thumb under Ash’s eye. “You aren’t crazy for missing him.”

Ash sniffs, rubs his face.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Max soothes, leans down next to him.

Ash can physically feel his heart rate calming, the proximity makes him feel safe. Max is safe.

He feels like he’s sixteen again, screaming, crying, night terrors. Jess shaking him awake. Michael waking up, asking if everything was okay. Max still holds Ash the same way he did back then. A hand on the back of his head, the other between his shoulders in an embrace. 

“Go to sleep, okay? You’re alright.”

Ash sighs, shutting down. Between the two of them, Max is usually right. 

(Even if Ash will never say it out loud.)

————

Ash opens the door to the next room, Shorter and Eiji tangled together on the mattress, Eiji clinging to him like a baby, nuzzling his chest.

“Get your asses out of bed. We’re not paying for another fucking day here.”

“Ash—“ Eiji peeps, rubbing his eyes. “Good morning.”

Shorter blinks, sitting up with Eiji on his chest. 

“I thought you were my sleep paralysis demon.”

“I’m your real life demon.” Ash deadpans, pinches Shorter’s cheek. “And we’re leaving. So hurry up, or I’ll leave you here.”

———— 

It’s on the car ride back to the airport, Eiji and Shorter leaning over his childhood photo in the backseat, when he hears it.

“Okay—Shorter, if you woke up one day, and Ash turned into little Ash, what would you do?”

“Does he have like, regular Ash’s brain? Like does he know me?”

“No, like back in time. He does not know you, he is just little Ash for a day.” 

“I’d take him to the zoo.”

“Why?”

“I mean—Ash likes the zoo  _ now _ . Imagine how much he’d love it as a kid. He’d probably freak the fuck out.”

“I would take him to get ice cream—and then push him on a swing or something.”

“That’s cute.” Shorter grins.

“I would tell him we are going to a pumpkin patch, and see him get scared in the car!”

“Cruel!”

Ash likes to believe that his eight year old self is floating out in the ocean somewhere. Probably got washed away down his shower drain and out the pipes. Now, Ash is alone, but never completely alone. It’s just Ash, and everyone who’s ever had their way with him. 

But Eiji puts his hand on his shoulder, asks him what his favorite flavor of ice cream is, and Ash thinks  _ maybe you’re with me too. _

—————

Ash wasn’t going to go to Cape Cod at first, because his life is coming to an end here soon, anyways. But the picture of Griff’s little paper scraps in a landfill makes him feel fucking evil. Almost as evil as Ash keeping them for himself.

“Max—can we talk before you go home? Alone?”

It’s out on the balcony, Ash pulls the soft envelope out from under his jacket.

“I want you to have this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Love and kisses! If you comment you are subscribing to get monthly affirmations of love from me. 
> 
> (Eiji accidentally gripping someone’s—eh—upper thigh on the plane may or may not be a personal anecdote. I may or may not have apologized to the point of awkward silence. Yes, this does keep me up at night)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash didn’t think he’d ever learn much from school, but was proven wrong the first semester of his freshman year, all with a soft knock on his apartment door.
> 
> Ash comes to learn that Eiji Okumura dresses himself in the dark, thinks Shorter Wong is the epitome of a cool American, speaks with a soft, gentle accent, and Ash thinks he also might be the most important person to ever exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for internalized homophobia

—————

_ Three years ago _

Ash slings his bag over his shoulder. He’s never had much, he’s good at traveling light. Just a few changes of clothes.

_ He spends most of his time without anything on, anyways. _

“Jess is inside, you can meet Michael in a few hours, when he gets home from school.” Max smiles. He has an air about him that Ash has to admit he kind of likes. Fucking Max won’t be too bad. Plus, he has a girl at home, so Ash will have time off. So far, so good. This can be easy. 

Ash waves to the blonde woman at the kitchen table, and they talk lightly about the weather. Good. 

“Why don’t you show Ash to his room?” She smiles, hair tucked back into a ponytail. Max leads Ash up the stairs, and Ash’s heart doesn’t pound, because this is what his life has always looked like. Nothing in ‘his’ room can take him by surprise.

After Dino, he’s seen it all. 

The door swings open, and it’s surprisingly empty. There’s a bed in the corner, and it doesn’t even have a headboard with bars. Ash furrows his brow, glances under the bed. 

“Ah—don't worry. Well get you more stuff—clothes and—you know. Furniture.” Max grins, flushing. Ash tilts his head, a little confused. 

“Sure?”

“Put your stuff wherever you want, and then you can come down to talk to us. Or stay up here. Whatever you’d like.” Max offers from the doorway. Ash waves at him as he heads back down the stairs, but he knows better than to put his stuff away.

He knows, by now.

He manages to go the first few nights without anything happening to him. Max squeezed his shoulder yesterday, but nothing came out of it. It’s filling Ash with dread. He likes predictable. He likes getting things over with. 

It’s his third week, that something happens, that Ash doesn’t think he could forget it if he tried. 

“Ash.” Max sighs, leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed. “I’d really appreciate it if you tried to pitch in around the house a little more. Or if you could talk to me—or Jess, if you’re having a hard time finding motivation.”

Ash feels his gut drop. This is on him—Max has been a good guy. Ash should’ve taken some sort of responsibility a while ago.

“You’re right.” He purrs, eyes flicking up towards Max. “I’m so sorry, can I please make it up to you?” Licks his lips for good measure.

Max—to Ash’s surprise, actually  _ gasps _ .

“That is  _ very  _ inappropriate Aslan. You are  _ not  _ making jokes like that here.” 

This is a game Ash hasn’t played before. He’s an expert at improvising though. 

“Oh? But I’m not joking.” He pouts, bites at his mouth a bit. Swings his legs around the chair, straddling it expertly. He may not have much going for him, but he’s good at this. This is what he was born to do. 

This is all he has.

Max—doesn’t look mad anymore. He just looks a little incredulous, if anything. 

“Why are you doing that, Ash?”

Ash feels almost insecure in his actions for a second. Is this—not what Max wants? 

“I’m just trying to help….” he tries, tone babyish, whiny. “I can make you feel good….” glances up through thick lashes. That’s the ticket, he’s been called irresistible with this expression. 

Well, fuck. It’s clearly not ‘irresistible’ because Max looks thoroughly disturbed. Has he lost his charm or something? Goddamnit!

“Ash, hey. Hey. Stop doing that. I’m serious—let’s just, let’s just talk normally okay?” Max murmurs, moves to pull out a chair next to him. Ash stiffens. What’s going on?

“Sorry…” Ash breathes, scratches the back of his neck. “That’s what most of em’ like. Can you—kinda give me a rundown—of how you want me to act?” 

Max will understand. He knows it’s been a while, so he’ll be nice about it. He won’t hit hard—right? Ash probably shouldn’t think about that. Ash can deal with that later. 

He hears the chair next to him scoot across the floor. Max is probably facing him now. 

“Ash—do you think I’m going to touch you?”

Obviously? What kind of game is this?

“Well—yeah?” Ash tries, furrows his brow. Now he’s just getting frustrated. Max can beat the shit out of him if he wants. This is annoying.

“Max—cut it out and just tell me what you want. You’re being too vague.” 

Max actually pales, shaking his head.

“Ash—Ash. I am  _ never  _ going to touch you like that. You know that’s wrong, right? You know that it’s not okay for someone to do that to you?  _ Especially  _ adults?”

Ash blinks. What is this guy going  _ on  _ about?

“What?”

“Here—can you look at me?” 

Ash turns, and for once in his life, he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, or his body. 

“Ash—I—I know the smallest bit. About what you went through. Because I spoke with your caseworker, and I need you to understand that nobody in this house is going to hurt you.”

“Then why am I here?” Ash blurts out, arms crossed. This doesn’t make sense to him. When he looks up, meets Max’s eyes, he looks almost crestfallen. Shit. 

“Well—you’re here because you’re part of our family now, Ash.”

“Stop messing around.” Ash sighs, arm slung around the back of his chair. This is so fucking dumb! He’s been here for three weeks, and most guys would be all over him within  _ minutes _ . 

Wait.

Ash looks up at Max with trepidation.

“Am I uh—not your type? Or—not what you were looking for?”

Max shakes his head,  _ again. _ Giving Ash the softest look he’s ever seen. “I promise Ash—I’m not lying to you—that’s not why you’re here.” He pauses, leans forward. “What did they  _ do _ to you?”

Why does that question make Ash’s heart hurt? Why does Ash feel small? He hasn’t felt small in years. Well—he has, but this is in a way that he doesn’t understand.

Ash doesn’t answer, wondering what to say when Max finally breaks the silence.

“Ash—can I give you a hug? You can say no. Nobody is allowed to touch you without your permission.”

Ash blinks, he kind of wants to say no—just to test Max. See if he’d do anything. But he also wants to say yes. Pure curiosity, he wants to see what Max has planned for him. 

“Yeah. You can.” Ash murmurs, but doesn’t move from where he’s sitting. Max leans forward, and wraps his arms around Ash, his shoulders, and a hand in his hair. Ash stiffens, mind racing. Because his hands aren’t wandering, and his arms are a little warm, and—

And this hurts, worse than anything Ash has ever felt before, but feels too good to pull away.

He stays frozen for about twenty seconds, before dropping his head on Max’s shoulder, and squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Shhh…. you’re so strong, Aslan. Has anyone ever told you that before?” 

Ash feels his heart clench and fists his hands into the front of Max’s shirt. “N-no.”

“Nobody ever said that to you? I’m sorry.” Max murmurs, and he’s rubbing Ash’s head, and it feels really good, and warm, and Ash doesn’t think he’s been hugged since Griffin died. 

Ash doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, but he can feel hot tears welling up behind his eyes. He tries so so hard to will them away, but Max squeezes him so they’re even closer, and Ash feels the dam burst—and he—

“You can cry, Ash. It’s okay. That was so painful, wasn’t it?” 

It was. It was. It was. And Max is so nice. 

“Y-yeah—I—it hurts—“ Ash gasps, reaching his arms around to wrap around Max’s neck. It hurt so bad—in so many ways. And Ash doesn’t think he could forget the feeling if he tried. If he beat his head into the ground, if he cut it open and sliced out pieces of his brain—he could never forget. 

“I’m so sorry. It’s over now, okay? Nobody is going to hurt you anymore.”

Ash inhales shakily, before letting out a sob. He didn’t think people like Max were real. He thought they were just little fantasizes he made up to comfort himself in strangers beds. Falling asleep, pretending that the arms around him were protective ones, that they told him he was a person, that he was loved, and that he was wanted for more than— _ you know. _

He shut his eyes, and imagined someone telling him that it wasn’t his fault, that he didn’t deserve what he got.

Max pets his hair, his back. Presses Ash’s head to his shoulder, as to secure him there. Ash melts, he’s been touched so many times, so why is his skin starving?

Max doesn’t pull away first, and Ash thinks it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for him. 

Max lets him cry for what must be more than five minutes, quiet, pitiful sobs. Ash is really good at being a silent crier, so why is he making so many sharp, piteous noises now? 

A part of Ash wants to stay in Max’s arms until the sun goes down, but he knows better than to overstay. 

He pulls back, and Max reaches over and takes a napkin from the table. Hands it to him, so he can rub the dried tear tracks off of his face. Max stands, and Ash watches him grab a glass from the cabinet and fill it up at the fridge. 

“Here—“ Max smiles, putting the cup on the table. “Are you hungry?”

Ash stares at him, in awe almost. “No.” He replies, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Are you mad?”

“No. Why would I be mad?”

Ash doesn’t answer. Just stares at the glass on the table. 

“You can trust me not to hurt you, Ash. I know it’ll take time.”

“Why am I here?” Ash asks, voice tiny. He buries his head in his arms, face hidden against the tabletop. 

“Because this is your house, silly.” Max answers, ruffling Ash’s hair. 

It feels too good to be true, even now.

———

_ Present _

“Ash—I can’t take your brothers stuff.” Max mutters, shaking his head.

“Please?” Ash breathes, painfully.   
Please just take it. I owe you, so so much.

Max looks at the envelope, then back up at Ash. Before sighing.

“I’ll hold onto it, son. But listen—this isn’t mine. And any time you want it back—just ask. Okay?”

Good enough.

“Okay.” Ash replies. 

I love you, he thinks. Wishing he could say it out loud. Wishing he could at least say it once, for the last time.   
———

Inside, Eiji is asleep on their couch, curled in a ball, Shorter tucking a blanket around his body. 

“You doing okay?” Shorter murmurs, Eiji’s head on his lap. 

“Yeah.” Ash breathes, clicking the door shut. Eiji stirs a bit, but curls back up, sinking into his own deep, rhythmic breathing. Ash loves him. Loves him so much he can barely take it.

“You gonna just stare at him?” Shorter grins, smug. Ash sighs. 

“Ash—“ Shorter starts. “Eiji’s dying. He’s in love with you and you’re killing him. I need to know why you haven’t just fessed up already.”

“I don’t know.” Ash breathes, moving to sit on the living room floor. “What if I have a really good reason?”

“If the reason is like—you just don’t want to date, that’s fine. But if it’s because of something like—your self esteem—“

“I want to.” Ash blurts out. “Be with him—I mean.”

Shorter gives him a pointed look. “I know. You’ve told me.”

Ash flings himself backwards, shoulder blades meeting carpet. “I think I’m falling apart.”

“How so?”

Ash, for a split second, wants to tell Shorter about the note in his spiral, the belt hook in his closet. 

“Nothing.” Ash mumbles, turns to look at his friend. “Just a lot going on, I guess.”

————

Ash didn’t think he’d ever learn much from school, but was proven wrong the first semester of his freshman year, all with a soft knock on his apartment door.

Ash comes to learn that Eiji Okumura dresses himself in the dark, thinks Shorter Wong is the epitome of a cool American, speaks with a soft, gentle accent, and Ash thinks he also might be the most important person to ever exist. 

Eiji comes over to make friends with all his neighbors, and toes his shoes off in the front hall. 

“I like your apartment.” He smiles, and Ash flushes, because this really beautiful boy is standing in his house, cartoon bird socks patting softly on the tile. “May I see your room,  _ Ashu _ ?” 

Eiji is needlessly curious, and thinks that Ash is worth a damn. 

———

It’s Eiji’s first time sleeping over, and he’s crashed out on the couch early while Shorter and Ash are curled on the carpet below.

“You like Eiji?”

“Yes.” Ash breathes, staring at the ceiling. It’s painful to admit, because he knows this desire all too well. Except, he’s usually on the receiving end.

“Do you think—it’s okay? That I like Eiji?” 

Shorter turns to him in the dark, and Ash can feel a palm over his hand. It hits him—he kind of just came out. 

“Of course it’s okay. Do your parents have a problem with it?”

“No.” Ash whispers. “But I think I might.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU ENJOYed!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Griffin wrote a poem that said something about being born sentimental, and how it was the cruelest fate known to man.
> 
> Or rather, Eiji finishes a letter, and so does Ash.  
> Shorter reads both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating today specifically because I love you. Yes you. Also HEAVY tw for suicide in this chapter.

“Before I came here—“ Eiji starts, hands tucked deep in his pink jacket pockets. “I could not even get out of bed, I was so lost.”

“I know.” Shorter murmurs, leaning back on the railing. 

“I am happy in his life—even if he does not feel the same as me.”

“I know.”

“But Ash—he does not make it easy. I feel like—like me and him—I think it is special.”

“I know.”

Eiji squints, staring thoughtfully into the horizon. They don’t have much of a view, on the balcony.

“I do not think—I am what he is looking for.” 

“Shit, Eiji.” Shorter sighs. “You know that’s not true.”

Eiji doesn’t reply. Just walks forward, and wraps his arms around Shorter’s middle. 

“Sometimes” Eiji mumbles against his chest. “I think I am a liability.”

Shorter curls a hand in his hair.

“You have— _ so _ much to offer, Eiji.”

“I pole vault. And speak two languages. That is it.”

“ _ Eiji _ .”

“Just try not to leave me.” Eiji breathes, pulling away. He stands facing the door, shock of black hair against the snow on the overhang. 

“Eiji—“

Eiji turns around, smiling. 

“What a downer, right? Let’s just forget about that.” He hums, and slides the handle open, walking inside the apartment.

———

“You should put it in a box—“ Shorter explains, pulling a piece of tape from Eiji’s fingers. 

“I think it is a bad idea, actually.” Eiji flushes, eyes darting shyly around the room. “I am being too forward again.”

“It’s. Not. Too. Forward. Now put it in a box so that dumbass doesn’t rip it.”

“Ah—he is smart! High IQ!”

“He  _ lies _ about his IQ. Two hundred is like genius level.” 

“He is not lying! I saw the paperwork!”

“Yesterday he forgot to unwrap the cheese in his sandwich and swallowed the plastic.”

“But he has the paper!”

“He probably made it himself!” Shorter argues, before plucking the envelope out of Eiji’s hands. “Now let me proofread your love letter.”

“No—it is not a love letter!” Eiji whines, scrambling to reach for the paper in Shorter’s hands. 

“ _ My soul is—“ _

“Stop it! Don’t read out loud!”

“Eiji—this is  _ intense _ .”

“I told you! It is too forward!”

Shorter grins, shaking his head. “He’s gonna love it. Are you putting the ticket in the same envelope?”

“Yeah.” Eiji flushes, wringing his hands together. “Underneath, so he reads the letter first.”

“Awww.”

“What if he doesn’t want to go? I made—made a joke about taking him—but—what if he forgot? This is really weird, Shorter.”

“It’s not weird. It’s sweet. And Ash is gonna lose his mind.”

Eiji slumps forward, head rested on Shorter’s shoulder. 

“I don’t want to see him open it. It’s so embarrassing.”

“If it goes bad just tell him it was my idea.” Shorter grins, pets the back of Eiji’s neck. 

“I actually might.”

——————

Aslan Jade Callenreese is going to be dead on December 23rd. 

Today is the 21st.

He swings the apartment door open, walking through the house. Eiji’s shoes are on the rack.

“Eiji? Shorter?”

“Ah-“ he hears Eiji mumble from behind Shorter’s door. “Don’t come in yet!”

Ugh.

“I told you not to get me anything.” He sighs, leaning against the shut door. 

“Who says we got you anything?” Shorter replies, and Ash can hear the telltale sound of paper rustling. 

“Then why can’t I come in?”

There’s a pause, before Shorter laughs to himself. Never a good sign.

“Cause we were having sex.”

Ash rolls his eyes, but smiles at Eiji’s soft giggle from the other side. “Do not say that!” 

Eiji swings the door open, face a little flushed. “Ash! It is good to see you!” 

“You too, Eiji.” 

“Are you staying?” Shorter smiles, patting Eiji’s back to guide him to the living room.

“I should probably go…” Eiji mumbles, almost nervously, glancing from his socks, back up to Ash.

“I’ll see you—ah—soon… haha.” He smiles, sitting down to put his shoes on.

“Okay?” Ash quips, eyebrow raised. Why is Eiji acting so spazzy?

Eiji fumbles his way out the door, practically sprinting to his own room. Ash turns to Shorter. 

“What’s going on?” 

“Nothin.” 

“Liar.” 

Shorter grins. “You’ll find out eventually.”

———

They accidentally fall asleep on the couch, and Ash is rudely woken up at two in the goddamn morning—by his phone buzzing in his waistband. 

He reaches down, carefully, because Shorter is sprawled on his chest, and lifts it up to his face. The brightness makes him squint and—

And why the hell is Eiji leaving him voicemails right now?

Three New Voice Messages

Message One

Eiji💞:

_ Ah—hey Ash! Oh—shoot. Sorry. Your voicemail thing—it sounds like you are answering the phone! Oh—I wanted to say that oh—I am running out of time—one second! I am going to call back so I can send another one— _

What the hell? Why is he awake?

Message Two

Eiji💞:

_ Okay! Here I go! I wanted to say I am very worried about you. I think we should spend more time together—like—tomorrow for example—there’s this—thing. I want to ask you to see the sunset with me for the semester ending. A lot of couples go—but friends go too! Haha. You say those things are stupid, but I think it’s very cool. I would also like a picture of you there—it would be very pretty— _

Eiji💞:

_ Anyways—sorry again. We can bring blankets and everything—I have an extra thermos, so I can make us soup. I know you do not want to be cold, but I promise we can have fun. You have been so quiet lately, and it is so much harder to make you laugh. Like—the other day when—shit. I mean shoot. I am going to fill your inbox. Please do not keep these. Okay. Last one. Bye. Love Eiji. _

Ash rubs his temple and opens his messages. Eiji _has_ to be on something.

  
  
  


Eiji💞

Why did you send me that

at two in the morning 

  
  


WHY ARE YOU AWAKE?!?

I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION?

I don’t know｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡

Because I did not want a reply right away...

  
😐

You’re so fucking weird

I’ll go with you tho

Really?!?

Yeah? If you let me sleep

Ash sighs, and drops his phone down to his side. 

“What time is your date tomorrow?”

If Ash wasn’t laying down, he would’ve flung himself backwards.

“Fuck! You scared me. And it’s not a date.” He gasps, looking down at Shorter.

_ Now that I think of it—it’s the perfect chance to say goodbye. _

“You’re not gonna give me the details?” Shorter mumbles, his voice is scratchy, and he looks painfully soft without his glasses on, squinting up at Ash like a cat.

Ash groans. “It’s the sunset you fucking idiot. What time do you think it’s gonna be at?”

Shorter blinks, “uhh…. right. Sunset. Afternoon.” He sighs, “Can we go back to sleep now?”

“ _ You  _ can. I probably can’t, since you’re crushing my legs.”

Shorter pauses. 

“I had a dream we went to middle school together.”

“I don’t care.”

“I would’ve been your friend.”

“I would’ve avoided you like the plague.”

Shorter laughs, and it vibrates against his chest. “Why’s that?” 

“You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Ash deadpans, but he has his arms around Shorter in a death grip, and holds his head safely against his neck.

Ash shuts his eyes, expression a little pinched. 

Griffin wrote a poem that said something about being born sentimental, and how it was the cruelest fate known to man.

_ You have to hold onto something, even if you can’t stick around.  _ Ash remembers, the second stanza saying. So he saves the voice messages in his phone when Eiji tells him not to, and reaches down to take his best friend’s hand.

He’s his brother’s child, so he has to. 

———

Shorter always gets up first, and gets dressed with the lights off, so Ash can sleep in. Why did Ash never notice that before? Is it because it’s his last full day alive? He should kiss Eiji today, and tell his best friend he loves him. 

Today is the happiest Ash has been in years.

He makes himself a cup of coffee, and it’s really good. Is it because he’s using Eiji’s mug? Probably. For a split second—Ash wonders  _ why _ he wants to kill himself in the first place—

But the thought itself is a painful reminder. 

He’s leaned back against the counter, when his phone starts buzzing from the table. 

“Hey Eiji.” He grins into the receiver. “What’s up?”

Eiji is silent for a moment.

“Ah—are you still free this afternoon?”

“Yeah.” Ash smiles, tilts his head back a bit. “What time should I come get you?”

“Oh—do not worry. I will come to yours. Is around four okay?”

“Sure.” Ash pauses. He’s feeling a little flirtatious this morning. “You have a romantic evening ready for me?”

Eiji actually  _ squeaks  _ on the line.

“Do not be like this!” He whines, and Ash smiles at the reaction. “I will come get you later. Do not talk to me until then if you are just going to tease.”

Ash laughs at the dial tone, and heads to his bedroom, opening his desk drawer. He looks over the unfolded piece of spiral notebook paper. 

_ I want to say that I’m sorry, above all else.  _ It reads, his old, shaky handwriting.  _ But I am not asking for forgiveness.  _

He figures Shorter will be the one to find it. Poor thing. But it’s for the better, for the greater good, that Ash leaves his life at this point in time. 

————

Eiji is standing at the door, his hands behind his back. He’s wearing a button down with a gray sweater vest, and has a bag slung over his shoulder. 

“Hi, Ash.” He smiles, nodding for Ash to follow him.

“Hey, Eiji.”

They’re walking down the sidewalk, halfway to the university, when Eiji brushes Ash’s hand for the  _ tenth fucking time _ . Ash side eyes him, and Eiji is bright red—almost painfully so, looking down at the concrete almost  _ desperately.  _

Ash has some idea why, when Eiji slowly reaches up, and shyly takes Ash’s hand in his.

They’ve held hands before! Eiji never hesitates to grab Ash’s arm—and fuck! They’ve shared a  _ bed _ . Why is Eiji suddenly having an entire character arc over fucking handholding?!

Their fingers are intertwined, and Eiji is trembling with nerves. It makes Ash want to cry, almost. 

_ I’m going to hurt you, so so badly, Eiji. _

Ash thinks, but he can’t quite hold himself back, there’s a hot red love shooting through his veins, ricocheting off his capillaries and down through his hands. He’s stopped walking, and they’re caught between the apartment complex and their school’s old campus, a little dark from the afternoon sun going down. He angles his body just so, so that Eiji is between him and the chain link fence guarding their makeshift backyard. 

Like a bird in a cage, except it feels like both of them are birds, and Ash’s clipped feathers are growing back with every inch he subtracts between them. He’s dropped Eiji’s hand, and his heart aches at how Eiji’s eyes widen, flickers of nerves, of shyness, warmth, and a little bit of hope passing over his expression as Ash cups his cheek, and lightly smooths over the patch of hair covering his ear.

Eiji gasps when Ash runs his hands down his shoulders, white knuckles the fence he’s pressed against. Eiji squeezes his eyes shut and puckers his lips to make a kissy-face. Ash tilts his head back, and  _ laughs _ . 

Eiji’s eyes fly open, face paling. “W-what?!”

“That’s too cute, Eiji.” 

“What?!”

“Here—“ Ash smiles, cups the back of Eiji’s head, making him stiffen adorably. “You can’t get all frozen like that. Keep your face normal.”

Eiji flushes, and grips the fence tighter. 

“You—you’re going to—kiss me, right?”

Ash laughs again. “I don’t know—I mean, at  _ this  _ rate—“

“Ah—I’ll relax! Here—do it! Do it now!” Eiji yelps, trying his best to pull a calm expression. It’s still painfully tense, and he peeps one eye open when Ash doesn’t move.

“You look like you’re gonna pass out.” Ash grins, and presses a peck to Eiji’s nose.

“Ah—“ Eiji gasps, blossoming at the proximity. “You should—on my mouth…” he mumbles, eyes darting side to side. Ash whistles. 

“Wow, Eiji. You’re so forward!”

“Shut—shut up!”

Eiji’s lips are really, really soft.

———

“Try it.” Eiji smiles, shyly. They’re curled up on his blanket in the icy grass, knees touching.

Ash takes the thermos, it’s warm against the cold, and unscrews the cap.

“It’s—my first time making it….” Eiji mumbles, a little defensively. “Be honest, if it is bad.”

The soup is kind of gross, because Ash is _ super _ picky, and hasn’t enjoyed  _ any  _ of Eiji’s cooking thus far, but he drinks a little more, and rests his head on Eiji’s shoulder.

“It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

“You are lying.” Eiji mumbles, but he has a little bit of blush on his cheeks.

“I’m not lying. You’re amazing, Eiji.”

“O-oh…” Eiji smiles, softly to himself. “I—I’ll make it again sometime.”

_ I hope whoever you make it for—I hope they’re grateful.  _ Ash thinks, curls against Eiji a little closer.

The sky is beautiful, right now. It’s pale pink and red like Eiji’s face, soft and dark like Eiji’s eyes. Ash would do anything for Eiji, but it’s a shame he’s not strong enough to live for him. 

“I will never understand.” Eiji breathes, head on Ash’s shoulder. “How people could do wrong by you.”

“I understand.” Ash swallows, keeping his eyes trained on the dark skyline in front of them. An image of the note tucked away in his drawer flashes in his mind.  _ I’m going to hurt you so badly. _

“You are so kind, and so smart, and  _ strong.”  _ Eiji breathes, looking up at Ash, smiling so painfully soft. “How did I get so lucky?” 

_ I’m the lucky one.  _ Ash thinks, twining their fingers. 

“Nah, Eiji. You can do  _ wayy  _ better than this.”

Eiji makes a face at that, but Ash just smiles. 

“I was your first kiss, yeah?”

Eiji nods, lips pursed, shyly.

“Good.” Ash grins.  _ I’m so sorry. _

Eiji shifts, and rustles through his bag, pulling out his camera.

“Smile, Ash.” Eiji peeps, wrapping the strap around his neck. Ash just laughs.

“Are you gonna post it on Instagram? Show off your American lover?”

Eiji swats the back of his head. “Maybe I might!”

He’s straddling Ash a bit, expression all melty and honest.

The camera clicks, and Ash grins. “Gonna save that for later?”

Eiji just smiles, and nods. 

“You are like a model.” 

Ash just shakes his head, opens his arms for Eiji to fall back into. Eiji takes a few pictures of the sky, of another couple curled on the grass, of a bird eating a bug.

_ You are going to be so loved.  _ Ash thinks like a mantra, kissing Eiji’s temple. It emits a soft hitch of breath, and he squeezes Eiji a little bit tighter.  _ You are going to find someone so, so special. Thank you for letting me be your first.  _

Eiji is so happy he’s glowing, and Ash can feel his heartbeat right through the back of his long sleeve.

————

Ash leads Eiji back up the staircase, hand in hand. 

“Did you have fun?” Eiji puffs, even though Ash is carrying his bag.

“Hmm. Kinda.” Ash jokes. “Except some pervert kept taking pictures of me.”

Eiji squawks and digs his nails in. “You are horrible!”

Ash guides Eiji to his apartment, just a few paces across the hall.

“W-wait.” Eiji mumbles, latching onto Ash’s arm. 

“Yeah?” Ash turns, winks at him for good measure. 

“We could—we could kiss again. Maybe. Like—to say bye.”

Ash grins, and locks his arms around Eiji’s sides, picking him up by the waist. Eiji squeals, wrapping his arms and legs around Ash, kicking a bit when Ash peppers the juncture of his neck with kisses, pressing him against the door.

“A-Ash!”

Ash holds him there for a moment, taking in his warmth. The juncture between his neck and jaw is warm. 

“Hey, Eiji.” Ash breathes, pressing his lips against him, making Eiji squeal  _ again _ .

“Yes, Ash?” He giggles, voice breathy.

“How do you say goodbye in Japanese?” 

“You say it—sayonara.” Eiji smiles, expression bright. Ash gently puts him down, squeezes the back of his neck. 

“Alright, then. _Sayonar-a_ _ “  _

Eiji interrupts him with a laugh. “Your accent is so funny!”

“Well now you know how I feel!” Ash grins, backing up. 

“That was great, Eiji. Goodbye.”

“See you tomorrow, Ash.” Eiji breathes, grinning. 

_ No you won’t.  _ Ash thinks, and watches Eiji shut the door. 

This is love, and light, and Ash is the luckiest man alive, that he simply got a taste. 

—————

Ash walks inside, stretches his arms over his head. The house is warm, but quiet. He takes his shoes off in the walkway, padding to the living room.

“Shorter?” He calls, hand pressed against the wall by the couch. 

Ash turns when he hears soft footsteps coming from down the hall.

“Hey—Ash?” Shorter starts, eyebrows drawn together. 

“What’s this?”

Ash’s gaze drops, curiously, and there’s—

There’s a piece of notebook paper in Shorter’s hands.

“What—what’s this for?” He mumbles, again, looking up at Ash a little wide-eyed. 

Growing up with nobody but his sister, Ash noticed Shorter’s never been particularly concerned with privacy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the sweet comments! Please never hesitate to share your thoughts with me!!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I do not want to spoil anything.” Eiji whispers, petting Ash’s bangs off of his forehead. “But do you want to know what happens?”
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “I stay.”
> 
> Or rather:
> 
> “Not being able to put butter on my toast is going to make me more suicidal, believe it or not.”
> 
> “Too soon.” Eiji and Shorter sigh, in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m posting this because so many kind people are excited 2 read it. LITERALLY thank you for all the kind words :) it warms my heart.   
> Warning for brief kind-of-attempt in the beginning.

Eiji is leaning over his balcony, and it’s nice and dark, and pretty, and it’s snowing, and someone kissed him for real today. He smiles to himself, hands on his cheeks for a moment, when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

_ It’s too late at night to be talking on the phone!  _ Eiji thinks to himself, pulling it out. It’s not Ash, or Shorter, or even his sister. Weird.

“Alex?”

“Hey Eiji, sorry to bother you. But can you tell Ash and Shorter to  _ shut the fuck up? _ ”

“Huh?”

“It sounds like they’re having a fistfight in there. My ceiling is shaking.”

“Ah-what?!”

“Someone’s gonna end up calling the cops if they don’t knock it off.”

Eiji shakes his head, and stumbles back inside.

————

Shorter is holding the letter up, reading it too thoroughly for Ash’s liking. 

“Where’d you get that?” Ash breathes.

Shorter looks down at the paper again, flipping it around. 

“Stop looking at it!” 

“Why—why do you have this?” Shorter tries,  _ again _ , and Ash can feel heat—heat  _ rising _ up his body.

“Why are you going through my shit?!” He bites, fists clenched to his sides.

“I—I’m sorry—“ Shorter murmurs, and Ash notices that his hands are shaking. Shorter comes closer, brushes his palms against Ash’s shoulders. 

“Can we sit?—Ash—I’m sorry—I’m freaking out a little—“

“How  _ dare  _ you?!”

“Ash—it's okay—you can talk to me—you can tell me anything—“

“What I do from now on—is none of your fucking buisness.” Ash seethes, knocking off his grasp. Shorter furrows his brow, looks down at the letter in his hand. 

“You said you  _ ruined  _ my life, Ash!” he mutters right back, voice an octave higher than usual. “ _ Shorter—I want you to know that—“ _

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ reference that to me—I know what I fucking said!” Ash shakes his head.

“Ash—I can count the good things in my life on  _ one fucking hand—“ _ Shorter explains, voice wavering, “and you are  _ half  _ of them—“

“I’m not doing this—“ Ash breathes, backing up. “I’m not doing this, Shorter.”

“Doing what?”

Ash just shakes his head, he can feel it coming on—the buzz—the visceral realization of what’s happening right now—

Shorter leans down, drops the paper on the coffee table. “Hey—I’m sorry—let’s not get upset, okay? We can handle this—“

“I need to go.” Ash interrupts, backing towards the door, “I’m going out for a while. _ “  _ he mutters, kicking his shoes on, absentmindedly. 

“Where are you going? _!” _ Shorter pales, pacing after him. Ash feels a hand on his, curled tightly over his fingers. 

Ash yanks his hand away, and shoves his clenched fist into the pocket of his jeans.

“I’m going out. I can’t be here right now.”

“Can I come with you?!” Shorter breathes, hands hovering above Ash in trepidation. 

“No.” Ash deadpans.

“Then—then I can’t just let you leave!” Shorter gasps, tries blocking the front passage with his arm, but Ash ducks under it, wraps his hand around the coatrack. 

“Stay out of my fucking buisness.” Ash murmurs, throwing his jacket on. 

“Wait—Aslan—I’m so sorry—we don’t have to talk about it—“ Shorter gasps, following behind him. Ash shakes his head. This is bullshit and life is a sick fucking joke. He unlocks the latch above their door.

“Bye.” 

“ _ Wait! _ “

Ash just swings the door open, and Shorter seems to have a visceral reaction to seeing their landing. 

_ We are on the eighth floor, after all. _

_ “ _ Don't go!”

Ash grunts when pair of arms wrap around his waist from behind, holding him in place, and Shorter kicks around him to slam the door shut.

“Wait— _ please  _ —“ 

“I said—I’m not  _ doing  _ this—“ Ash huffs, reaching for the handle again, but Shorter just hops onto Ash’s back, squeezes him painfully with his arms and legs.

“Don’t go!”

“Get  _ off  _ of me—“ Ash cries, twisting in his grasp. Shorter is shaky—so wrestling him off is easier than usual. He slides off his back, but curls around his chest immediately. 

Ash just wiggles away and grabs the handle again, ready to swing the door open, when his friend slides down to the ground, and wraps himself around Ash’s legs.

“Please don’t leave me—please—please just stay here—I’ll do  _ anything _ Ash—“

“I’m fucking  _ done _ , okay?!” Ash repeats, trying to kick him off. “I’m done, and I can’t deal with this.”

_ I get sexually assaulted for the majority of my fucking childhood—I have no fucking family left—and I can’t even end my life on my own terms. I can’t even have this. _

“I’m—I can help you—I don’t want you to die! _ —I’ll do anything—“  _ Shorter gasps, and this is getting bad, because he’s holding Ash in place so tight it’s definitely going to bruise.

“Get  _ off  _ of me! Have you lost your fucking mind?!” Ash  _ yells _ , prying his hands off his waist, and  _ almost  _ gets the door open again, but Shorter kicks it shut.

“I should’ve fucking killed myself yesterday—“ Ash groans in frustration—

He regrets it the second the words leave his mouth, and he regrets the letter, and the belt in his closet and the hook on his door—because Shorter starts full body sobbing, clinging to Ash’s legs like a fucking child. 

Oh—

Ash has never seen Shorter genuinely cry. He’s seen tears of laughter, whining, frustration maybe—but—but  _ this _ —

“I didn’t mean that.” Ash breathes. “I’m hurting you, and I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“ _ It’s not safe—if you leave—“  _ Shorter gasps, clutching Ash like a lifeline. He’s hyperventilating, voice loud and pitchy. His heart is pounding against Ash’s leg.   
  
“I’m so sorry—please don’t cry—“ Ash whispers, reaching down a bit. Shorter flings his arms around his neck like a little kid, clawing at him, almost.

”shhh.... I won’t leave.” Ash sniffs, voice trembling. Shorter falls back, presses his palms to his eyes, and starts bawling.   
  


It’s probably the worst thing Ash has ever caused, in his entire life.

The doorknob rattles just as Ash scoots down to hold him, and he turns to watch it swing open, numbly.

“What the  _ hell _ are you fighting about?!”

Ash opens his mouth to reply—but Eiji makes a shushing motion.

“Keep it  _ quiet _ . You are going to get the  _ police  _ called!”

His gaze flickers down, and he immediately kneels, clicking the door shut behind him.

“Oh—Shorter—Ash, I  _ know _ you did not hit each other.” 

“We didn’t.” Ash breathes, and he’s suddenly aware of the tear tracks on his  _ own _ face. His  _ own _ racing heart. 

“Ash—go sit down.” Eiji orders, taking Shorter’s hands in his own. He shoots Ash a scolding look. 

“You have your jacket—and shoes— were you just going to  _ leave  _ him like this?”

Shorter perks up at the mention of Ash leaving, and grabs Eiji by the face. 

“Don't—you can’t let him go—or—“

Eiji shakes his head, presses Shorter against his chest. 

“Ash is not going  _ anywhere. _ ” Looks right back at Ash as if to say  _ how dare you?!   
_ “You need to breathe.” Eiji whispers, all soft, all comfort. Ash trembles, numbly walks behind them to sit on the carpet.

Eiji holds Shorter still in his arms, tries to guide him through his hyperventilating.   
“Relax—good, good. What is the matter?” He coos, and Ash feels sick. _You did that._ He thinks, his best friend genuinely believing Ash was going to—and—and the worst part is—is that Ash _was_ —  


“Ash—I found—I found a note—“

Ash lays down, eyes away from the conversation. He can barely stand to listen to it.

”What did the note say?”

”That—he was going to kill himself—“

”Yeah? And then he tried to leave?” Eiji mumbles, far off, and Ash feels his brain floating up and out of his head. It’s too much. Too much. Too much.

———

The day Ash meets Eiji, the sun is shining, and it makes sense, really. Because it was pouring the night before. 

Eiji is deeply interested in Ash, shamelessly digging for answers about the blonde, about America. He’s comfortable around Ash, despite his demeanor. It’s an unspoken vow of immediate trust, that Ash for some reason, unknown to himself, wants to return. 

Eiji tells him that living in a new country is frightening, and that he’s even nervous to buy groceries, as the cashiers eyes burn into him when he takes minutes to convert yen to dollars and then back to yen and then count the cash in his wallet—

Ash wants to say that living in general is frightening, because anyone can hurt you at any time, and it’s rare that they’ll hold back. 

They stay up late one night, talking, and Ash flops down in exhaustion, head on Eiji’s lap. He thinks he might’ve said something about Eiji staying with him, but he can’t really remember. 

Whatever he said that night, he knows it was vulnerable, if anything.

And he knows that he woke up without any fresh wounds.

————

“Why don’t you start annotating it?” Ash drawls, hand on his forehead. He’s still crying, laying on the couch. Alive, somehow. 

Eiji just shakes his head. He’s perched on the table in front of Ash, so they’re across from each other.

“Ash—this is not okay. None of this is true—“ 

“It  _ is _ , Eiji.” Ash croaks, squeezing his eyes shut. He hears the shower turn off, and the steam from under the bathroom is extra thick, so Ash guesses Shorter was smoking in there. 

“It is not. None of  _ this— _ “ Eiji gestures to the note. “Nobody agrees with this.”

“I feel like they do.” Ash whispers.

“Oh.” Eiji pales, scratches his cheek. “God.” 

He laces their fingers together, kisses his knuckles. 

“Okay… well… let’s calm down, yes?” Eiji breathes, presses Ash’s hand to his forehead. 

Ash nods, biting back tears. 

There’s a beat of quiet, before Eiji lifts his head, looks Ash in the eyes. 

“You have been through a lot, in your life, and recently.” Eiji starts, punctuating his words carefully. “And I do not think you are crazy, or even wrong, for feeling this way. As you have your reasons.” Ash nods along, puts his freehand over his eyes.

“But Aslan, this is not okay. You  _ need  _ to ask for help. You are not alone. You simply aren’t.” Eiji explains, determined.   
“You  _ have  _ a support system, that I know it is difficult for you to use, but this is  _ not  _ the answer. You have your  _ entire  _ life ahead of you.”

Ash shudders, shakes his head. Eiji leans forward, and tucks Ash into his shoulder. 

“If I have to change my major, and become a psychologist, and study for four years, and become a licensed therapist—I will. If that is what it takes to help you. I will gladly do  _ anything  _ for you, Ash.” Eiji holds Ash’s face in his hands, forcing eye contact. 

“So we are going to get rid of your note, and anything else you have, and figure this out, the  _ right _ way.”

Ash goes limp, dropping into Eiji’s arms.

“I can’t do this.”

“But you  _ are  _ doing it. Ash, you have survived every day up until now. You have been strong enough, this  _ entire  _ time!”

“I can’t—it’s too—it’s too  _ hard—“ _

“Ash. Believe me.” Eiji breathes, curling a hand in his hair. “Things are looking up.”

Ash sniffs, before hugging Eiji back. It’s the safest he’s ever felt in his entire life. 

“I do not want to spoil anything.” Eiji whispers, petting Ash’s bangs off of his forehead. “But do you want to know what happens?”

“What?”

“I stay.”

———

“Are you hotboxing in there?” Ash scolds, rapping his fist on the door. 

“I’m talking to Nadia.” Shorter mumbles, and Ash can hear a string of hushed Cantonese. Which Shorter only speaks on purpose, when he doesn’t want Ash to know what’s going on. It also smells like cigarettes. Liar alert.

Ash waits, and he hears the telltale sound of a dial tone, meaning Shorter hung up.

There’s a few minutes of silence.

“Come out. We need to talk.” Ash exhales, Shorter is being fucking weird.

There’s a pause, and a soft click. The door creaks open.

“Hey.” Ash breathes, and he opens his arms immediately.

Shorter doesn’t move, just keeps his hand on the doorway, looks at the ground. 

“Take your glasses off and look at me, pretty boy.” Ash tries, nudging his arm. 

“Can’t. I’ll destroy what’s left of my image.” Shorter grins, but it’s a little too forced. 

“It’s fine. Your image sucks.”

“Now it does. I lost my cool.”

“You were never cool. God—are you  _ actually _ embarrassed—?“

“Yes.” Shorter interrupts, pinching Ash’s nose. “So don’t say anything.”

“I've cried in your arms before. Literally. So stop being weird.”

Shorter laughs a little, but it’s more of a grimace, and pulls Ash to his chest, so tightly it hurts.

“Sorry.” He mutters, cheek pressed against his hair. Ash can hardly breathe, but in a good way. It’s warm, and it’s safe.   
“I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“I’m the one who should apologize.” Ash whispers, nose in Shorter’s neck.

“No you’re not.”

“I’m pretty sure I traumatized you earlier.”

“Not your fault.”

“Yeah it is.”

“Ah yes, because you  _ asked  _ to be suicidal.” Shorter murmurs, pinches his side. 

Ash exhales into Shorter’s shoulder, and pulls away. 

“Love you.”

There’s a pause.

“You have to say ‘I’ first.” Shorter replies.

“What?”

“Don't just say  _ ‘love you. _ ’ Say  _ ‘I love you.’” _

Ash slaps his arm. 

“What the hell is your problem?”

“It’s all about the phrasing, Ash.”

“Well it doesn’t even matter because I take it back.”

“You can’t. You can’t un-say that. You put it out there, and now I’ll remember it forever.”

Ash flushes, and furrows his brow. 

“Say it back, then!”

“I’ll say it back if you say the ‘ _ I’  _ first.”

Ash glares at Shorter, which is funny, considering he has his arms around the back of his neck, and huffs.

“I love you.”

“Cool.” Shorter grins, squeezes his waist, and promptly slips away into the living room.

“Shorter!” 

————

Ash groans. “What the  _ fuck  _ am I going to do with a butterknife?!”

“You’re the one with the big ass IQ! Why don’t you tell me?” Shorter whips around, hand on his hip.

“Do not argue.” Eiji stomps his foot, and if the circumstances weren’t so shitty, it would be one of the cutest things Ash has ever seen. 

“Not being able to put butter on my toast is going to make me more suicidal, believe it or not.”

“Too soon.” Eiji and Shorter sigh, in unison. They’re clearing out the damn apartment, because apparently Ash is going to somehow overdose on half a bottle of children’s ibuprofen. 

Ash rolls his eyes when Eiji throws a bottle of bleach in his bag. 

“I didn’t even think of that.” 

“Stop joking around, Ash!” Eiji yelps, clutching the satchel to his chest. 

“Sorry. It’s three in the morning. I’m delirious.” 

“Here—we can go to bed.” Eiji mumbles, taking Ash by the elbow. “I’ll take this to my apartment, and come back.”

Ash sighs, and pads to his room. The books on his shelf are rearranged, one of his desk drawers opened a bit. 

“Wow. Great job covering your tracks, Shorter.” Ash breathes, flopping down on his back on the mattress. Shorter shakes his head, a bit guilty. 

“Sorry about that.”

“S’fine.”

“You can be mad.”

“I’m always in your room. We’re kind of even.”

Ash sighs, turning on his side when he feels Shorter move next to him. He lifts his arm a bit, a silent request to be held from behind.

He feels an arm drape around his chest, a squeeze. Blinks a little bit, all exhausted.

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

Ash stiffens, there’s a lump in his throat. 

“ _ Why?” _

“We’re like—so in tune with each other. You’re an extension of me.”

That’s probably the best compliment Ash has ever received, being an  _ extension _ of someone like Shorter. Being considered Shorter’s best friend.

“That makes me feel like shit.” Ash deadpans. “I’m nothing like you.”

Shorter laughs, and squeezes him, and Ash can hear the door creak open, Eiji’s soft footsteps on the carpet. 

“Get under blanket.” Eiji whispers, climbing over them gently, like a cat.

He curls up next to Ash, their foreheads touching, wraps an arm around his waist. Eiji’s soft, angelic voice, soft accent playing in his head like a mantra.

_ I stay, I stay, I stay, I stay, I stay. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! If you enjoyed! I love you! And I wrote this for you!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My dad is calling.” Ash deadpans, standing in the kitchen. “Does anyone here want to tell me why my dad is calling?”
> 
> Crickets, Shorter and Eiji sharing a flushed look. 
> 
> “I just think it’s a funny coincidence, that he’s calling me after last night happened. Shorter, you’re a comedian, care to tell me how funny it is?”
> 
> Or rather: 
> 
> Sing squirms, shakes his head. “I don’t care if they come!”
> 
> Nadia reaches over, squeezes him by the face. “I am finished with this habit of yours. Now invite your friends!”
> 
> Gift exchanges, plane tickets, acts of commitment, and the long list of families who see Ash as their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING! We made it to the last chapter! It’s been so very lovely, and everyone has been so very kind!  
> This chapter is probably the longest one yet, and I hope it touches you!

_ 2 years earlier _

“Ash, honey, I know you’re in a bad mood—“ Jess starts, tapping her foot on the tile. 

Ash interrupts her with a whine, plops his head on the kitchen table.

“Why can’t you just figure it out for me! Aren’t you my mom?”

“Yes.” Jessica drawls. “And I’m not  _ raising  _ a lazy little bitch.”

Ash pops his gaze up, and glares. Usually him and Jess are on the same side with things, but when they aren’t, they make it  _ everyone's  _ problem.

Max always says it’s wonderful, that Ash is a carbon copy of her. But he always says it with a grimace.

“I’m so proud of you for getting in, Ash. But you have to fill all of this out. And we  _ have _ to figure out your housing—“

“I want to live with you.” Ash huffs. 

Jessica taps the keyboard.

“I know, baby. But you can make friends. I met Max in college.” Jess explains.

“But we  _ hate _ Max!” Ash whines,  _ again _ .

“I know, bad example. But I met a lot of other nice people too. So please come over here and pick a roommate listing.”

Ash doesn’t say anything, picks at his nails.

“Ash. Come pick a roommate listing.”

“No.”

“Do you want me to pick for you? Because I will.”

“Do whatever you want,  _ grandma _ . I mean mom.”

The air drops twenty degrees

“Yeah. I’m going to stick you with the most annoying looking fucker on this whole page. Just because you said that.”

“Try me.” Ash grins, faking sweetness. The look on Jessica’s face makes him coil with regret.

But only for a moment. 

Ash never repents.

———

Ash is repenting. He is repenting so hard. His roommate is an actual nightmare. 

Shorter is loud as fuck, and doesn’t mind his buisness, or his personal space—and Ash  _ hates  _ how Shorter always tries to make him laugh.

He hates the spam texting—and the clothes stealing, and how Shorter barges into his room just to show him pictures or videos.

“Ash—Ash look at this.” He laughs, shaking his shoulder. 

“I’m trying to sleep! Don’t come in here—“ Ash  _ yells _ , swatting his hand away.

“You're napping?! You’re like my little house cat—“

“Eww! Don’t touch my hair you fucking freak!”

Ash hates how when he tells Shorter about his day, he leans forward on his palms and listens. Or how he spends an entire evening just asking Ash to explain what he’s been reading. 

“There are some funny parts too—“ Ash grins, flipping through the pages of his novel. “Like right here—it says—“

He catches himself and pauses, face flushing. 

“Sorry.” He mumbles, red. God, what the hell is wrong with him?

“Why’d you stop?” Shorter hums, nudging Ash with his leg. Ash doesn’t reply, just flushes harder, and squeezes his hands in his lap. He feels the couch dip, and Shorter puts his head on his shoulder, tapping the book in his hands. 

“Show me the part you were talking about.”

“It’s okay.” Ash breathes, he feels all uncomfortable now, and it’s his own fault.

“Don’t hide.” Shorter coos, and Ash thinks hiding is really difficult, these days. 

Ash  _ loathes _ how Shorter sneaks up behind him, and pokes at his sides to make him stifle laughter, and jumps on him to play wrestle like cats, and makes Ash feel warm, and makes Ash feel safe, and makes Ash’s heart flutter when he calls him his best friend——

“You and Ash both—you’re too precious.” Shorter grins, with his arms around Eiji’s shoulders one night. The two of them are slow dancing in the kitchen, and the compliment is casual, and offhanded, but Ash thinks about it a lot. Precious. Precious. Precious. It’s not a compliment he’s gotten before. 

Wait, what was Ash talking about?

Oh right, his roommate. Shorter is really funny, and Ash loves him a lot. 

————

Eiji lives across the hall, and is a completely different story. His English is a little funny, but it has less to do with it being Eiji’s second language, and more to do with Eiji being a fucking weirdo in general. 

“Ash—you will like Nori Nori. He is the funniest!” Eiji explains to him one day, pulling at his sleeve. 

“What? The ugly ass bird?”

Eiji pales, and swats Ash on the arm. 

“You are just a bully! He cannot control his look!”

Eiji has compassion for a cartoon animal, and Ash thinks it all makes sense. 

They’re so different, not just in looks, but in nature. Eiji prays before he eats, and Ash asks him if he’s religious, and Eiji says “Even if god is not real, it is good to say thank you to  _ someone,  _ right?”

He makes Ash want to change. On the inside, Ash wants to be better. 

Ash wants to learn to love the way Eiji inherently knows how. 

The moment he realizes how he feels— they’re at the kitchen table in the apartment, and Eiji is eating from a bag of animal crackers. He pulls out two blindly, and flashes them to Ash. They’re both cats, both pink with soft sprinkles on top of the frosting.

“Look—it is me and  _ Ashu _ . Purr-fect friends.” He grins, before turning their faces towards each other, and going—“ _ muah!” _

“Don’t make them kiss!” Ash yelps, and don’t ask him why he cares about the whereabouts of his alleged animal cracker self, because Eiji has the power to make him fuss over the dumbest shit ever—and something about the idea of him and Eiji doing anything intimate makes Ash’s heart do things that he thinks might kill him—and—and—

Eiji seems to eat up Ash’s reaction, per usual, and pushes the cats together more.

“Look—they are loving.”

“They are  _ not  _ loving! You didn’t even say it right you fucking pervert—“

Eiji is so kind, and so warm. He guides Ash by the elbow when they walk, and tells Ash he loves him like it’s easy to say.

When Eiji isn’t being a menace to society, he’s holding Ash together. 

—————

_ Present  _

“My dad is calling.” Ash deadpans, standing in the kitchen. “Does anyone here want to tell me why my dad is calling?”

Crickets, Shorter and Eiji sharing a flushed look. 

“I just think it’s a funny coincidence, that he’s calling me after last night happened. Shorter, you’re a comedian, care to tell me how funny it is?”

Shorter clears his throat, glances around the room. 

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Shorter tries, laughing nervously.

“You told my dad.”

“It might’ve come out.”

“Great.” Ash grimaces, before lifting his phone. It’s Max’s third attempt at calling. Fuck.

“I’ll be in my room.” Ash mumbles, tapping  _ answer _ and heading down the hall.

  
“Hey Ash! How are you sweetheart?” Max’s voice chimes through the speaker. It’s too fucking early for this. 

“I’m—I’m okay.” How much does Max even know? Maybe he’s lucky and Shorter kept it vague.

“Are you?” Max replies, not even attempting to hide his disbelief.

“Yeah.”

“See, Ash, I got a call from a friend of yours, and I’m really worried about you.” 

“Bad night. I’m okay.” Ash tries, silently begging for Max to believe him, just this once.

“I hope you can prove that, because I’m actually walking up to your place right now.”

Oh

“What?!”

“Yeah—I’ll see you in less than a minute. Bye! Love you!”

The dial tone might as well be Ash flatlining, and he slams his bedroom door shut, before turning to the kitchen, but Eiji and Shorter have slipped down to the living room, near the exit.

“What is  _ wrong  _ with you guys?!”

Shorter and Eiji laugh nervously from the front door, both with their jackets on, Eiji has his foot on Shorter’s knee, tying his shoe. 

“Sorry, Ash.” Eiji smiles. “But I am not sorry. We will be back in a few hour.”

Shorter just nods, turning to open the door. 

“Hey Max!” He grins, as if he’s surprised. What a fucking jackass.

Max nods, looks up at Ash—and oh god—this is a joke. This is  _ literally  _ a joke. Eiji and Shorter wave goodbye, and hop outside, arm in arm, as if Ash isn’t about to lose his goddamn  _ mind— _

“Hey, Ash.” Max grins, before placing a sturdy hand on Ash’s back. Ash stumbles a bit, but Max is kind of holding him up, using the back of his neck to push him to the kitchen table. It’s a bit unlike him, the rough handling. 

_ He said he’d never hit me. _ Ash reminds himself, inhaling all sharp.  _ It’s okay.  _

“Why’d you give me all of Griff’s stuff, kiddo?” Max asks, and Ash is actually a little scared now. He bites his lip, trembling.

“Alright, Ash.” Max continues, and oh—he sounds serious— “I hate to pry, and I respect your boundaries, but you are going to tell me  _ everything.  _ Right now. Understand?” He says, guiding Ash to sit via a firm hand on his shoulder. Ash trembles. Max  _ knows _ the dad voice makes him weak. He’s used it maybe twice, getting Ash to tear up and confess to everything he’s ever done with just a sentence. 

“I understand.” Ash mumbles, gingerly crossing his arms. Max stares at him dryly, before nodding.

“So start.” He deadpans. Ash kind of sort of flinches.

“With what?”

“You’re smart. Come up with something.” Max replies, pulling out a chair to sit next to Ash.

Ash swallows, before hitting his head on the table.

“I’m fucking stupid.”

“Aslan—we don’t say those things about ourselves.”

Ash just rolls his eyes, turns to face Max.

“I’m a bad person, and I can’t change, and I’m a whore, and my mom walked out for a reason, and I couldn’t make my own father love me when it was  _ literally _ his job—and I’m good for one thing and one thing only—“

Max leans forward and pulls Ash to his chest. 

“None of that is true, Aslan.” He breathes, hand curled in Ash’s hair. Ash slumps against him, heart pounding. 

Max taps his spine, scratching his head a bit.

“Tell me something true.”

“What?” Ash mumbles, a little dazed.

“Name something you like about yourself.” Max rephrases, running his hand up and down Ash’s back.

Ash swallows. 

“My friends. And my family.” 

Max takes his hand from his lap, kisses his knuckles.

“That’s good, but I want something about  _ you.” _

Ash wracks his brain, and feels sicker and sicker with each passing minute. God, there’s really nothing he has going for him.

“Well, this is embarrassing.” He grins, but there’s a steady trickle of tears slipping down his chin—and—Max is holding him—and has a hand in his hair, and is squeezing his back—and—and—

“ _ Oh, Aslan.” _

“What did he tell you?” Ash gasps, wiping his face on his sleeve. 

“You wrote a note, and we’re planning on using it. And you probably have been for a while now.”

“Are you mad?”

“Not at you.” Max breathes, brushing his hair back. “ _Never_ at you.”

There’s a beat of silence, before Max looks down at Ash. 

“You’re shaking. Are you scared?”

Ash nods.

“What’s scaring you?” Max tries, kissing the crown of his head. Ash rubs his eyes.

“I’m scared—of—like, if you start hating me—or—or if everyone is pretending—and they’ll just—start hurting me out of nowhere because they want—“

“You’re getting paranoid again.” Max notes, and Ash  _ prays _ that his tone isn’t a disappointed one.

“ _ I’m sorry.” _

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m so worthless—that—I—“

“You are  _ not  _ worthless, Aslan.” Max interrupts, holding him impossibly tighter. “Let it out—you can cry—“

And Ash does, he cries, and cries, and cries, and thinks about everything he’s lost, and how it’s been enough to kill him, but he’s still here.

He’s cuddled tightly into Max’s shoulder, and slowly feels himself calm down. 

“You are going to go to therapy again, and I’m going to be making sure that you’re going. And you’re going to call me every single day, and you aren’t going to lie about how you’re doing.” Max explains, pulling himself back a bit so he can hold Ash’s face in his hands. All Ash can do is nod, breath hitching. Max cradles his face yet again, forcing eye contact.

“I cannot lose you, Ash. I seriously can’t. You have no idea—you are  _ everything _ to me.” 

Ash doesn’t reply, just shakes his head, gazing down at his lap.

“How would you feel if Michael did something like this, Ash?”

Ash feels something sharp in his throat, a pang of guilt. Not this. 

“Michael wouldn’t—-“

Max shakes his head. “You’d be  _ heartbroken _ , Ash.”

Ash shudders, grimacing. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don't be.” Max smiles, rubbing his shoulders. “Let’s figure this out, yeah?”

———————

“I’m going to take a shower.” Ash murmurs, the moment Max leaves. He’s all sweaty from crying today, and also from crying last night, and also from being super depressed or whatever and not really properly taking care of himself—

“Leave the door unlocked.” Shorter hums, scrolling on his phone on the couch.

“Why?!” Ash whines, arms crossed.

“Why the hell do you think?!” Shorter whines right back, head on Eiji’s lap. Eiji smiles softly, looking up at Ash. 

“Did you know— it is common for friends to take baths together in Japan?” He grins.

Shorter perks up. “Oh my god—can we?!”

“You’re fucking shameless!” Ash yelps, swatting the back of his head. 

Eiji gives a mischievous look, smirking.

“Ash—since we are boyfriends now we should—“

“You guys are  _ dating _ now?! Oh my god!” Shorter gasps, sitting up, smiling. Dear god, this can’t be good.

“Now I can show you all the texts Ash sent about you.” Shorter murmurs, pulling out his phone. He goes quiet for a couple seconds, before flashing the screen in Eiji’s face. “Look—this one says,  _ ‘I want Eiji to bench press me in that outfit.” _

“Wait! Lemme see!” Eiji squeals, delighted, and grabs Shorter’s cell from his hands. Ash’s face  _ flames. _

Nope. He cannot take this. He bolts back down the hall, and hesitates, before leaving the door unlocked.

———

After he changes, Ash slips back into the living room. It’s Christmas Eve, so Eiji is most likely going to be spending the night. 

“So—Eiji tells me you guys are  _ kissing _ now.” Shorter grins, cheek still pressed to Eiji’s thigh. “Are his lips as soft as you told me you imagined, Ash?”

Eiji looks elated, smiling ear to ear, swinging his legs. Ash flushes, oh god, not this.

“Shorter is telling me all the nice things you said to him! You are too kind, Ash!”

“ _ Shorter!”  _ Ash yelps, hands in his hair. Can he have one easy day? 

“What?” 

“You’re doing this on purpose!” Ash whines, crossing his arms.

Shorter smiles. “You make it too easy!”

“What else did he say?!” Eiji beams, soft. Ash will let it slide this once. Ignores Shorter’s hushed rambling. Ignores Eiji’s soft blush. He can take this one.

————

Eiji pulls a few gifts from his backpack, putting them on the coffee table, which is better than a tree, in Ash’s opinion, because they won’t have to take it down.

But it would be nice to have one, someday. 

“Now we do not open until morning.” Eiji instructs, flicking the lights off. He crawls towards Ash, camped out on the ground, and curls into his chest. Ash kisses his temple, his mouth a little bit. 

“Can I sleep in middle?” Eiji whispers, sitting up to switch sides.

“Sure.” Ash breathes, moving to make room for Eiji. Eiji wiggles backwards, and settles into Shorter’s arms a bit, one draped languidly around his waist. Ash loves him, so much. So much it’s visceral. So much that he doesn’t really care that he could’ve been dead by now.

It’s only for a split second. But it’s still more than ever. 

“I love you.” Eiji breathes, wide eyed gaze. Sweet on the inside and out. 

“I love you too.” Ash murmurs, but he’s a little starstruck.

And it’s a little hard to sleep.

—————

“I worked a lot and didn’t have time to really shop so sorry that everything I got you guys is super shitty.” Shorter murmurs, tossing Eiji a red bag. He catches it, brow furrowed. 

“I will love anything you get me!” Eiji whines, before reaching inside. “Oh! Thank you!” 

Criss cross on the carpet, Eiji unfolds the shirt in his hands, it’s pink, with Nori Nori—god, why does Eiji like him so much?

“There’s one more thing.” Shorter sighs, and Eiji pulls out a stuffed cat with a laugh. “Oh!”

It’s orange, and scowling. Shorter pokes Eiji’s shoulder.

“It looks like Ash, doesn’t it?”

“Yes!” Eiji squeals. He pets the cat’s head, and kisses its cheek, making Ash flush. 

“That’s enough.” Ash murmurs, tossing Eiji a package. He was  _ not  _ supposed to be alive for Eiji opening it. So now he’s in a bad mood. Because this is embarrassing. Eiji squeals and rips open the striped paper, stopping when he sees the little black box.

“Woah—“ Shorter mumbles. “Ash— _ dude—“ _

“I can’t—I can’t accept this—“ Eiji flushes, because when he pops open the soft felt, there’s a precious little ring inside—and it’s a soft wrap around style—and—and—there’s a little blue jewel inside—

“I wasn’t sure if you’d like it.” Ash mumbles, face turned away. “I can’t return it. Sorry.”

“No—do not be sorry! I love it—it’s just—Ah—I feel shy now—“ Eiji flusters, the box shaking in his hands. “It’s just—I feel bad—because it is so nice—“ Eiji mumbles, hands clasped in his lap. It’s…..awkward, Ash and Eiji unable to even look at each other. Their heartbeats are practically  _ bouncing  _ off the walls. Ash fidgets uncomfortably at the silence. God—he just had to be too forward—

Shorter gets up from where he’s sat leaning against Ash, and curls next to Eiji. 

“Put it on, I wanna see!” He grins, opening the box for him. He pulls out the ring, and takes Eiji’s hand to slip it on his finger. 

Eiji is flushing, still, but lets Shorter work it up his ring finger. “Promise rings are really popular in America, Eiji. Now everyone will know you’re taken.” Shorter winks, rubbing Eiji’s knuckles. Eiji smiles, looking down at the band.

“Thank you, Ash.” He finally sighs, “It is perfect.”

Ash exhales. God. “You’re welcome.”

Shorter ruffles his hair, before getting back up to sit next to Ash again. Eiji admires his hand, soft look on his face. “I love it. So beautiful.” He mumbles, blinking a bit. His brow is furrowed, and he’s a bit teary. 

“Thank you.” Ash swallows, nudging Shorter, voice dropped below a whisper. 

“I’ve got you.” Shorter mumbles back. 

_ I know you do. _

“Now open Eiji’s!”

Eiji shyly pushes a little white box towards Ash, and when he opens it, there’s a little white envelope inside, cursive with his name on the front. 

“Aww, Eiji.” He breathes, a  _ love  _ letter, of all things. It’s a dream.

“Open it.” Eiji hums, twiddling his fingers. And Ash does, and two slips of paper fall into his lap.

“What’s this?” He murmurs, hand shooting straight for the printed one, because it looks—it looks like a ticket—

His heart drops. “Eiji—“

“Do you want to go—to my country? Only—if you want—“ Eiji mumbles, eyes darting around shyly.

“Eiji—oh my god.” Ash gasps, clutching the envelope. He unfolds the letter, scanning over it desperately. 

“Sorry! Too weird! Ah!” Eiji interrupts, hands in his hair. It’s soft, and sweet—and Eiji wrote  _ multiple _ lines about their souls being connected—and—

“Eiji—this is—everything to me—“ Ash breathes, airy. God— _ god— _

Eiji fumbles with his hands, eyeing Ash gently, watching him flip over the plane ticket, as if expecting it to disappear.

“I’m glad you like it.” Eiji mumbles, almost in relief. 

Their gift exchange ends, Eiji kissing Ash on the mouth, Shorter on the cheek. 

“Are you gonna wear the shades Eiji got you?” Ash teases, and Shorter groans.

“I promised I would. But they’re so fucking ugly. He  _ has _ to be messing with me.”

They’re pink, and heart shaped, and Eiji genuinely thinks they’re cool. Poor thing. 

Ash looks at his reflection in his bedroom mirror, sticking in the earrings Shorter got him. He turns to his friend, suddenly working up a nerve he didn’t have before.

“Hey—I was thinking—if you want—there’s something I’d like for us to do.”

—————

“You sure? This is kind of impulsive.” 

“I’ve actually had the idea for a while.” Ash murmurs, swinging the door open. “Don’t let it get to your head.”

He pulls the christmas card out from his jacket, and Shorter grins.

“I’m gonna get it on my thigh so I can look at it while I jerk off.”

Ash swats Shorter’s arm, but can’t stifle his laughter. 

“I’m gonna get it on my shoulder.” He breathes, fingers tapping the front desk. “So Max can’t see it.”

“Max won’t give a shit.” Shorter rolls his eyes. “Didn’t he go to prison? I know he has tattoos.”

“That’s a stereotype.” Ash pouts. “At least I  _ think  _ he doesn’t.”

A smaller woman approaches the desk, waves at them. 

“Shorter!” She grins. “Getting another piercing?”

“No mam.” Shorter winks. “Even though I’d  _ love _ to have you stick it through me again, baby.”

Dear fucking god. 

“Am I gonna come at you with another type of needle this time?” She flirts back, leaning forward.

“Only if I’m lucky.”

“I won’t go easy on you.”

“Are you gonna make me cry? I’m  _ really  _ sensitive.”

Ash stomps on Shorter’s foot, making him yelp out a laugh. 

“We’re getting this.” Ash flushes, pulling out the Christmas card. It has a pretty little angel sketch on the front, small, but surrounded with flowers. 

The woman grins, taps the counter twice. 

“I’m gonna need your ID.”

———

“Eiji should get his belly button pierced. He’d look hot.” Shorter smiles, limping a bit. His jeans crinkle from the plastic bandage underneath. 

Ash is about to roll his eyes, but he swallows instead. 

“Yeah. He would, actually.”

Shorter laughs, nudges him. “Now you can’t die. Or my angel will be all lonely.”

“Oh, ha. ha.” Ash huffs, but squeezes the spot under his jacket. His upper arm. It’s weird, he has a tattoo now. On his body. That he decided to get. 

His body, huh?

————

“They are taboo in Japan! We will keep it a secret when you meet my parents!” Eiji yelps, fussing over Ash’s arm. It’s sweet, his concern. His immediate—“ _ did it hurt?! _ ” Made Ash’s heart melt.

“Do you like it?” Ash smiles, relishing in Eiji’s curious, gentle touches.

“I do.” Eiji swallows. “You are handsome with it.”

With  _ that  _ reaction—Ash might just have to get a sleeve.

“You should get one too, Eiji.”

Eiji hums, taps his chin.

“Maybe. I can be like my American boyfriend. Yellow hair and tattoo.”

Eiji has his heart.

————

“What did Santa bring you?” Ash hums into his cell. 

“I can show you when you come visit! He brought you a lot of stuff too.” Michael giggles, and Ash can hear the huff in his voice, breathless after running to get the phone. “I made a new game for us to play in the snow.”

“You did?” Ash grins. “I can’t wait.”

“Yeah.” Michael rambles, tells Ash about school, his friends, his teachers. The dog that got loose in their neighborhood. The mouse mommy found in the backyard. Ash listens, relishes in his voice. Asks questions. Michael is his baby.

“Ash, I want to say I really miss you.” Michael whines.

“I miss you too.” 

“I can’t sleep without you in my room.” Michael whispers, probably because he’s outside, and he doesn’t want his friends to know he still sleeps with his big brother.

_ It’s the other way around.  _ Ash thinks,  _ I was the one who would crawl in with you. _

“I’ll be home for a little bit, soon enough.” Ash replies, before listening in on the incoherent mumbling on the line.

“Daddy wants to talk to you.” Michael whispers, “did you get in trouble at school?”

“No. But I’ll tell you later.” Ash groans, before Max picks up.

“Hey, Ash.”

“I want to talk to  _ Michael _ .” Ash interrupts. 

“Well I want to talk to  _ you _ .”

“Then why don’t you drive down here and barge in?”

“Ohhh—someone’s feeling sensitive today.” Max replies, amused.

Ash hates it—when he gives Max attitude and Max laughs at him.

“Shut up!” He whines, face flushing, but Max just laughs. 

“How are you doing, Ash?”

“I’m good.”

“Hmm… how long do you want this phone call to be?”

“I don’t even want to talk to you, Max.” Ash exhales.

Max clicks his teeth, still amused. “So much attitude today! S’like I’m talking to Jess!”

“I’m doing fine, so let me go.”

“Okay son.” Max replies. “Your appointment is at four today, don’t forget.”

“I won’t.” Ash mumbles. Plans on forgetting it immediately.

“And bring back a business card from the office so I know you went.”

Fuck.

“Max—“ Ash whines.

“Caught you, didn’t I?”

Ash groans, before hanging up.

—————

Therapy is miserable, as always. But Eiji gives him a kiss afterwards, so maybe he’ll go again. 

Eiji seems to have a way with situations, an ability to make them bearable.

💝Eiji Okumura fanclub💝

Eiji

you change the name(๑>◡<๑)?!?!?!

Ash

Eiji this, Eiji that, where’s my fanclub?😐

Shorter

who’s gonna tell him he has no fans😳

Eiji

I am Ash's fan! ψ(｀∇´)ψ

Shorter

you can keep him ☺️

Ash

Ok melon head 😍

Shorter

My brain is bigger than yours. N e ways…. What are we doing tonight

Eiji

I told Ibe I am at your house please? I want to spend the last day of the year with the boys （╹◡╹）♡

Shorter

The boys 🥺🥺🥺🥺

🥺🥺🥺

🥺🥺🥺

Ash

😭😭🔫

Fuck!😭💞

Eiji

I don’t understand (〃—〃)

I said something embarrassing I think(´･_･`)

Let’s forget and move on

…...

Someone reply to me!!

Ash grins at his phone, before shutting it off. There’s a soft knock at the door, and it’s not Eiji’s knock—or Shorter’s—

_ If Max shows up again, I’m taking the Glenreed out of my name.  _ Ash thinks, turning the knob—and—

“Oh, hey sis!” He grins, Nadia opening her arms for a hug. She’s smaller than him, built a little boyish. Sing peeps out from behind her, waves gently. 

“Hey, Ash.” She smiles, and he melts at her cheek-kiss. “Is Shorter home?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Get his ass out here.”

Ash guides Nadia and Sing inside, before peeping down the hall.

“Shorter! Your sisters here!”

His bedroom door practically  _ flies  _ open—

“Nadia?!” He  _ squeals,  _ hopping to the doorway, where he hugs her painfully tight. 

“I missed you  _ so bad!” _

She just gives him a dry look, before pulling away and slapping the back of his head.

“I saw you at work  _ days ago. _ Are there holes in your brain?!”

“Work doesn’t count! We can’t talk at work!”

“Really? Because all you ever do at work is talk!” She scolds, before pulling him further into the house. 

——-

Nadia stares ahead, a little blank. She’s stoic as always—and Ash never fails to wonder how Shorter turned out the way he did. Speaking of Shorter, he’s practically sitting on her lap now, their faces squished together, sharing a chair despite the array of empty ones along the table.

Nadia takes the mug from Eiji’s hand. 

“Thank you.” She clips, before taking a sip. It’s almost as if her brother isn’t even there, as she sets it down easily. Years of practice, Ash assumes.

“We wanted to go to the New Years parade tonight.” She explains. “I’m taking Sing. It’s right by your campus, and he wanted to invite you.”

Sing flushes, shakes his head. “I don’t care if they come!”

Nadia reaches over, squeezes him by the face. “I am  _ finished  _ with this habit of yours. Now invite your friends!”

Sing flushes even deeper, eyes darting back and forth. He settles his gaze on Eiji.

“I’d like—if you could come….”

Eiji grins, reassuring. “Of course! We would love to! Right Ash? Shorter?”

Ash smiles. He can’t tell if spending a night with Shorter’s family sounds like fun, or like his own personal hell.

“Sure.” Might as well see.

Shorter just grins, hitches himself impossibly closer to his sister. 

“Nadia used to carry me during the ball drop.” Shorter explains, taking the mug of tea out of her hands to drink from himself. 

“Yeah. And then you got fat.” Nadia bites, making Ash and Eiji stifle laughter.

“Don't talk about Shorter like that!” Sing argues, swatting her arm. 

“I made him this way. I’m allowed to complain.” Nadia hisses back, squeezing Sing’s nose. “Now let’s get going.  _ All  _ of you.” 

Shorter leans down to Ash’s ear in the living room, voice hushed. 

They’re walking down to the door, Eiji winding Ash’s scarf around his neck, when Ash throws on his hoodie.

“You better put a real coat on over that.” Nadia scolds, pulling him by the hair. 

“I’ll be fine.” Ash whines, but she gives him a look, and he stumbles back over to the rack. 

The street is crowded, so Ash tangles his hand with Eiji’s, and tucks it in his pocket. Nadia is holding Shorter’s arm, flush against his side. She side eyes Sing.

“Hold someone’s hand.”

“What?!” He whines, crossing his arms.

“Look at all the people. You’ll get stolen.” She deadpans, nodding to the crowd.

“But you let Shorter go off by himself!” Sing argues. Ash is about to mention that Shorter has an entire knife, and is  _ years  _ older than Sing, but Nadia beats him to it.

“That’s because I  _ want  _ Shorter to get kidnapped. I’d be sad if I lost you.” She explains. 

Eiji stretches out his free hand to Sing, a soft smile on his face. “I do not know the city very well. Will you keep me safe?”

Sing blinks and flushes, before nodding fervently, and taking Eiji’s hand. 

“I know everything around here, Eiji. Don’t worry about all the people.” He breathes, squeezing their palms together. Eiji just sighs.

“I feel better now. Thank you, Sing.”

“It’s nothing.” Sing murmurs, offhandedly. Despite the snow, Ash feels warm.

———

“This is where they have the countdown, Eiji.” Sing explains, pointing to the crowd. The air is smoky, from the fireworks popping off, and the noise is a little much, but Eiji swipes his thumb over Ash’s knuckles, and it’s no big deal. He locks their fingers together, and winces when his pointer brushes past a cool ring of metal. Of course Eiji would wear it. How did he not notice?

“We have firework display in Japan, too.” Eiji breathes, looking up at the sky. “I will have to take you to one.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a hot ghost of breath, a warm flash of heat, the crowd chanting backwards—

3,  _ 2, 1– _

Eiji kisses Ash behind the ear.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading—I do hope the ending wasn’t disappointing, I’ve rewritten it a lot, and added a lot, and yeah! I hope you liked it, and found it good!  
> Thank you for all the love, you are all angels!

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on Tumblr!  
> @hearteiji


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